


the sea is a good place (to think of the future)

by animmortalist



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Healing from trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Military, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, tw mentions of drug addiction, tw mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, tw panic attacks, tw ptsd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:01:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 82,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24395452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animmortalist/pseuds/animmortalist
Summary: Private Clarke Griffin was presumed dead in the act of saving her squad during their deployment in war-torn Azgeda. For six years and seven days, Bellamy believed he’d lost her, never saying how he truly felt about her. But then, a miracle. Bellamy discovers that Clarke’s alive, and coming home, and she’s not alone. But six years in captivity is a long time, and there’s so much for the both of them to confront. It will take everything they have to do it, but there’s hope. There’s the possibility for them to heal. And hopefully not only that, but to heal together.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 89
Kudos: 240





	1. The Ghost in My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is an emotional ride, and a bit dark at times. however, I really wanted to focus on all of the parts of healing from trauma, and give the characters the space to do that. that's my ultimate goal with this story, and I hope you enjoy it. I've tagged (hopefully) everything right and will be sure to give some warnings at the start of each chapter, but please let me know if I missed something. 
> 
> I knew I wanted to repost this story soon and here we are (at the start, at least). unlike Rock Bottom, this one is not going to have major edits. there will still be some cleaning up of things here and there, but for the most part, this story's staying pretty much the same. I think I'll be able to post it pretty quickly as a result, so you can expect some frequent updates. 
> 
> just to be a bit more clear: this is a reposted work. I initially posted the story from around the fall of 2019 to the winter/spring of 2020. it was finished and then taken down, but is now being reposted. 
> 
> thank you all for the support you've given me (enough that I felt I wanted to come back when I thought I never would). it really means so much to me how amazing you all are. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'I Dreamt We Spoke Again' by Death Cab for Cutie*
> 
> *tw for suicidal thoughts in the second half of the chapter*

Bellamy just started his shift at the bar when he got a call from Marcus Kane, his old Staff Sergeant. He figured it could've been about a number of things: his pension, new recruits, a request to give a speech to a bunch of politicians that really didn't give a shit about him or the people in the countries they had sent him to. Or, Kane's favorite, asking him to reenlist for another tour.

That would never happen though. He'd done two already. While he'd deny it to anyone except his therapist, the second one had nearly broken him. He'd been proud to serve his country, and do work he felt was necessary at the time, but he was a private citizen now. He had no interest in going back to another war-torn country. 

There was also another reason. One that was embedded so deep in his heart he didn't think it would ever stop hurting. Towards the very end of his second tour, this time in a vast country called Azgeda, they'd lost Clarke. Lost wasn't the right word for it though, but that's what it said in the report. That she was lost, and then confirmed deceased. Really, she'd sacrificed herself so that the rest of them could get to safety. She was awarded a medal of honor posthumously for her bravery and dedication to her squad. Though it'd be a miracle if Abby still had the thing. 

He hit ignore on the call, figuring he could call Kane back and deal with whatever he wanted once he was on break. The other was used to him avoiding him anyways, especially after he'd been roped into that last charity event that appeared suspiciously like a front to smuggle weapons into a country on the other side of the ocean that was conveniently rich in oil. But as soon as he did, Kane called him back. And when he let the call ring and go to voicemail, he called again.

"Hey, man, who's hounding you? Piss off another real estate agent named something absurd like Wendy?" Miller asked, grinning a little. They'd opened Sanctum two years after they'd both finished their second tour. They liked to joke that war was actually easier to handle than a bar full of drunk college kids. He glanced at the phone in Bellamy's hand. "Take it. I can cover for you. It's better to just hear whatever bullshit he has to say and get it over with."

He nodded and clapped the other on the shoulder as he went around back. There was a small alleyway that was mostly used by the waitstaff to smoke cigarettes on their break or unload crates of beer and liquor into the storeroom. Taking a breath, he answered on the fifth ring. 

"Staff Sergeant Kane, look, I'm sure whatever opportunity you have for me is just great, but I'm really not interested in—" he started right away, but was cut off. 

"I'm not calling about any of that, Blake." His voice was firm, but there was something underneath it.

"Then what?"

"This is about Private Griffin." Just the sound of her last name made his throat catch. His heart seemed to hammer in his chest to the beat of a name: Clarke, Clarke, Clarke and his left hand started to shake. 

Army Private First Class Clarke Griffin had been the medic assigned to his squad. When they'd first met, he'd said something cocky and stupid and she'd gotten right in his face and told him that he'd better be more serious when they were actually deployed. 

"This isn't a game to me," she'd told him. "We're going to do important work. Build schools and water systems. Not to mention that we need to focus on surviving at the same time. So, pardon my language, but you better cut that kind of bullshit before we're actually in a warzone." Before he'd met her, he didn't realize there were people out there that really said 'pardon my language'. 

He'd had a massive ego back then. Before the years of service had wiped any notion of that away. He was young to have as high of a ranking as he did without some kind of connections. She may have outranked him, but that didn't stop him from getting in her way, doing little things just to piss her off or undermine what authority she had. Unlike him, she'd grown up in a military family. Her father was decorated and was a Sergeant Major in the Marines. Her mother's father had served as Surgeon General under two presidential administrations and she was a Senator from California. He had believed that she hadn't had to work her way up from nothing like he had. For those first weeks they'd known one another, he had dismissed her as nothing more than a spoiled army kid following in Mommy and Daddy's footsteps.

He didn't realize how wrong he was until they lost Atom, not even a week into their first deployment. She stayed up all night with him, did what she could to make him comfortable. And when his final moments did come, she sang to him softly. Some old song Bellamy recognized as one of his mother's favorites. At first, he thought he'd been dreaming, but he sat up with her and then helped put in the report of the death. From then on, he saw Clarke differently. Eventually, they didn't just accept one another, they were best friends. 

Somewhere along the way (though it was impossible to tell exactly when) he'd fallen in love with her. But he'd been too chickenshit to ever tell her, and then it was too late, and she was dead and she'd never know. That was the end of the story.

That had been six years and seven days ago. It was hard to keep track of days while deployed, and sometimes just as difficult while making the adjustment to being back home. But that was one date he knew he'd never be able to escape. 

"You there Blake?" Kane asked.

He swallowed. "You found the body?" 

That had been the second hardest part of losing her, aside from the actual loss. Empty casket. Difficult to really say goodbye when he knew that. Despite that part though, it was quite the event, per her mother's insistence. Completely wrong for Clarke, he'd thought. It had made him laugh for the first time since she'd died, absurdly so, how much she would've hated her own funeral. 

Kane waited for a beat, and it damn-near almost killed Bellamy. "No."

He gritted his teeth. If this was about some kind of benefit honoring her, he was gonna kill him. 

"We found her. Alive," Kane told him. 

Though the words registered, they couldn't be true. No, he had this dream before. Countless times. And every time he woke up and was faced with reality, it formed one more wound that would never heal. He couldn't let himself believe it. 

"Are you listening to me? We found her, we found Clarke. She's alive. The Azgedan Liberation Republic wanted us to think she was dead, but she isn't." He figured out what had been in Kane's tone before that he hadn't recognized. It was joy. 

"Are you sure?" he asked because he needed to be, he needed every reassurance in the world. Even if Kane told him a million times, he still didn't know if he could let himself believe it. 

"The information we were given was proven conclusive. We sent an exploratory drone to the area and made confirmation."

"I'm going to get her," he said the words before he could even really think about how that was in no way a possibility. Kane knew how he felt about her. It had been painfully obvious following her death and he couldn't even bring himself to try and hide it anymore. Kane would never let him be on that team, even if he was currently in active duty. 

"You can't," he said, and though he knew it was true, and probably a good thing, he still wanted to argue. 

"With all due respect Staff Sergeant Kane, but she was a part of my squad and—"

"You can't go get her," the other explained, "because we already did. We knew we had to act immediately if we were going to get her out alive and with the least amount of collateral possible. Her father hand-picked the SEAL team that went in."

"When?" he asked. "When is she going to be back here? When will I be able to see her?" He had a million questions, a million thoughts running through his head. But the only ones that were important were knowing how soon he would be able to make sure it was real for himself. To hold her in his arms again. To prove to himself that this all hadn't been a vivid dream—like all the other times. 

"She's in an army hospital in Germany at the moment, but her father is insisting on a transfer to a hospital near Arkadia as soon as she's deemed ready to fly again. It will probably be a couple of days, a week at the most. They're keeping her away from the media for now, but I think her father can only hold off the inevitable for so long. They want to bring her back to Arkadia as soon as possible given that it's a small town. He's over there with her now. We tried to contact Abby, but couldn't find a current number or address for her." There was an awkward pause and Kane coughed. "You wouldn't happen to know where she might be staying these days?"

He thought about the last time he'd seen Abby. It'd been over a year, at least. She'd been high and asking him about Clarke. What she'd been like, her last couple of days. The stuff he didn't want to talk about, not with her, at least. "I figured you'd know more than me," he said.

"No," Kane answered, and he heard him swallow thickly. "So, do you have any thoughts on where she might be?"

"No idea, sir. Apologies."

"That's alright, I'm making some phone calls and we'll find her eventually." 

In what kind of state, though? Bellamy wondered. Still, he had to focus on what was real, what had been real all along. She was alive. Clarke Griffin was out there, in some hospital bed in Germany, probably complaining about the food and saying that she was fine and really didn't need everyone treating her like she was going to break. As if she wasn't deserving of all the attention in the world. 

"How is she?" he asked because he sensed Kane was going to hang up on him soon, and he needed to get all the information that he could. 

He paused, just long enough for Bellamy's heart to plummet into his stomach. It was bad. Of course, it was. How could he expect such a miracle to come without strings attached? Something was wrong, clearly. She'd been imprisoned for over six years. God only knew what she'd been through.

"Give it to me straight," he told Kane. 

Whatever she'd been through, whatever had changed or happened during her captivity, he would be there for her. He just needed to know what to be prepared for. 

"Most of the trauma is psychological. From what I've been told and am allowed to tell you, there were some old bones that were broken that didn't heal correctly," Bellamy's stomach churned at that, but he didn't interrupt, "and there's...Some scars. I think it's Clarke's decision on how much she wants you to know about that. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder is obviously a concern but that's standard for you and when she first arrived she resisted to sleep or eat. Still..."

"She's strong," he finished for the other. "She's a fighter. She didn't let it break her."

"Miraculously, yes," Kane breathed out, "that appears to be the case." 

Something swelled in his chest, something that he thought was long since dead. 

"Now, I have to go make some other calls, but I will keep you updated. Let you know when she'll arrive in the States."

"Thank you, sir," he replied. "Before you go," Bellamy swallowed, "who else knows? From our squad, I mean."

"You were the first one I called. I was going to inform the others next."

"Let me do it," he said. "Please, sir. I think...I mean, I would like to be the one to tell them. I'm sure they'll have questions and can follow up with you, but..."

"Alright. I suppose that does make sense. But no one outside of your squad until the press conference, alright?" 

He nodded, like an idiot. When he realized Kane was waiting for a reply, he said, "Of course, sir."

"I know I'm not your favorite person, but I insisted on being the one to tell you. I thought, well, I thought it would be good coming from someone you knew. Who knows her. No one imagined this situation would turn out like this, but I am sure I'm not alone in being thankful that it has. Now, I don't mean to curt, but I really must go."

"No problem, Staff Sergeant Kane. And thank you, really. You have..." He let out a breath, "You have no idea what you've given me.”

"Talk soon, Blake. And please, don't think about flying to Germany. They wouldn't let you see her even if you did."

He couldn't help it, he smiled. Kane knew him too well. "Noted."

For a moment after the call ended he stared at the brick wall in shock. He couldn't believe what had just happened. Clarke was alive. She was out there, breathing air. Existing. It took him a full minute to realize that he had burst into tears.

It took another couple of minutes for Miller to come out looking for him. Bellamy didn't mean to tell him right then and there. He planned to tell everyone who had been in their squad at once, after his shift. But he couldn't help it. And when Miller found out that Clarke was alive, he started crying too.

* * *

The hospital bed was uncomfortable as hell and Clarke had had her fair share of discomfort over the last six years. She knew its ins and outs. She had thought she was actually above being bothered by it. But the damn hospital bed was making a mockery of her time in captivity.

When she'd complained about it to Madi, the twelve-year-old pointed out that she was being a bit of a drama queen, all things considered. She'd scoffed. The kid was getting to be too much for her recently. It was a good thing they were rescued when they were. Now, at least, she'd have people to rant to about it with. She suspected the other was just as excited to have someone to complain about Clarke to as well.

Madi had been only four when the Azgeda Liberation Republic had destroyed her village and taken her as a captive. Clarke had arrived roughly two years later and due to the ALR wanting to ensure neither one of their prisoners were known to be alive until they wanted to use them for negotiations, they placed them together and moved them often. She didn't set out to become the girl's mother, but there was no doubt in her mind that that was who she was. 

The hospital had originally given them each their own room. Which was nice of them, but she insisted right away that Madi be moved into her room as well. This created some amount of drama, as often happened any time Madi's existence was acknowledged. When the SEAL team had arrived to get her out of Azgeda, she had refused to go with them without the girl. They'd had to delay her extraction for over twenty hours so they could get confirmation that they were allowed to take Madi too. Once her identity was confirmed as the daughter of a village leader where the rival to the ALR used to have strong numbers before it was destroyed, suddenly it wasn't a problem. Still, everyone aside from her dad was anxious about how the move would be perceived on an international scale. 

She suspected Jake held reservations too, but he knew better than to reveal them to her. 

"Clarke," Madi said from her bed across the room, "when are we going to the U.S.? When am I going to meet Bellamy and Raven and _Octavia_ and all the others? Are we going to live in your house that's next to the ocean? I've never seen the ocean. Is it as big as you told me? Is—"

She laughed and held up a hand. "How about one question at a time, alright? Besides, I don't really know the answers to any of those. It's not up to me when we go back. And I'm not sure if we even still own the house. It was my mom's, and they said they don't know where she is right now. But I hope we do. And even if we don't, I'll still bring you to the beach. That way, no matter what, you'll see the ocean, okay? And we'll bring Octavia and everyone else who wants to come."

At that, Madi's eyes lit up and it was almost enough to erase the thoughts of her mother that had been clouding her mind for the last couple of days. 

When her dad had told her what had happened to her mom in the six years since her ‘death’ (quietly, so he wouldn't wake Madi) she didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to think. She'd believed her mother was the strongest person she'd ever known, almost to a fault most of the time. Though it at least appeared that she had been the most broken by Clarke's absence. 

They had never been too close, so it was strange, she had to admit. But it made her look back on every important moment they had shared. As if any of them would give her any explanation or sign that she had missed. Something that told her why her mother had gone down the path she had. 

There would be no answers found in this hospital though, that was for sure. While she was playing it off to Madi, she too was bursting to get out of there. Her dad was going to speak at a press conference later that day though, and she knew that meant they were letting them leave soon. Then another hospital, in the States, probably as close to Arkadia as her dad could get. Then home. Hopefully. 

It was too many steps though, too many things that kept her from her friends and family, which by the time she'd been captured felt a lot like the same thing. Her fellow squad members. Bellamy. The thought of him threatened to set her nerve endings afire. She'd thought of him every day. Every single day for six years. But that wasn't the whole of it. She'd spoken to him too.

The ALR captors didn't take everything in her day pack when she'd been captured, but almost all of what they left was useless. Still, there was a stack of journals she'd been planning to give to everyone and enough pens to last. She'd been planning to tell them to write letters home or just use it for themselves. While in captivity, she used those journals every day to write a letter to Bellamy talking about her life. 

Surviving through it all. Madi. Wondering how the rest of them were doing. The thoughts she couldn't speak aloud, she gave them to him. Even though she knew it was all kinds of pathetic, she kept at it. She needed those journal entries. Even after Madi started cracking jokes that rivaled Murphy's and relentless teasing. Madi had given her a reason to keep going, to want to stay alive. But Bellamy, he kept her sane. 

A nurse came in and checked them both over once more, and then shut off the lights. At first, the nurses had asked them if they wanted the lights on all the time, but she'd explained that the darkness didn't bother either one of them. Once, they'd both been blindfolded for two days while they were moved to a new location. After that, they'd gotten used to it. 

"Clarke, do you think Octavia will like me?" Madi asked, playing with the edge of her rough hospital sheet. It was finer than anything they had had in years. 

"If she doesn't, she clearly has no taste," she replied, which prompted the other to make a face that Clarke knew well, even though she couldn't make it out in the dark room. "I do think she will though. You remind me of her a little. Well, stories of her when she was younger."

"You mean the ones Bellamy told you while you guys were on patrol?" she asked, and Clarke could hear the smirk she made around his name. 

She was going to have to tell her to tone it down in front of everyone, or she was going to die of embarrassment in the first five minutes of all of them meeting. 

"Yeah, he used to talk about her all the time when we were deployed. And then the second we got home he wouldn't stop complaining about how annoying she was," her tone was fond and it was no wonder Madi had quickly picked up on which member of her 'family' was her favorite. 

"I know you love him, but I think I love Octavia the most," Madi said. 

Clarke was quick to cut in, "I love all of them. When you live the way we did, it was kind of necessary."

"Is it weird to love someone you've never even met?" she asked after a minute, a bit of a nervous tone to her voice. 

"Of course not. Besides, I'm sure Octavia would appreciate having her own little fan out in the world, even if she didn't know she existed."

"But she's gonna know me soon, right?"

"Yeah," she replied, "really really soon."

Madi drifted off to sleep minutes later, but as usual, it took hours for Clarke to fall asleep. Just because they were in apparent safety didn't mean that her body or her mind had fully accepted it. But when the nightmares were at their worst, sometimes falling asleep was just as bad as being awake. 

She was in a bombed-out building. The remains of where she and Madi had been kept for the past month sometime during her first year in captivity. Only she couldn't feel Madi's hand in her own. Where there once was the firm grip of the girl, now there was nothing. She opened her mouth to scream her name but found that it was filled with ash as soon as she did. When she tried to move she saw that her leg was crushed under a hunk of debris. Her pulse was ringing in her ears and she knew if she didn't find a way to move soon she'd be dead and Madi would be all alone again. But she couldn't move the debris, no matter what angle she went at it. There was too much of it, and her head was spinning from the effort. Then she heard footsteps approaching.

It was one of her captors, one of the crueler ones that had threatened to beat Madi if Clarke didn't stop fighting her restraints. She'd shown her hand of course, and now, they knew if they needed her to do anything all they had to was threaten the little girl. He smirked down at her and said in a mocking tone in Azgedan, "It looks as if you are in need of help."

She was desperate. To secure Madi's safety. Her own. "Please," she begged, "help me find the little girl." Her sentence was fragmented and she stumbled over the words. She had never been the most skilled in speaking the native language. Though Madi was teaching her and she was getting better every day. Even though Echo's grandparents were originally from Azgeda, Emori had always been the best at them at languages and frequently translated everything near-perfectly. 

"I will offer you a deal," the captor told her. 

"Anything," she said. 

"Your life, for the girl's."

But what kind of deal was that? She couldn't be sure that they would uphold it. And then who would take care of Madi? Who would braid her hair and tell her stories to help her get to sleep and help her keep her memories of her parents alive? Who would love her?

She had already made this choice before though. Her own life, or the lives of those she loved. And it had been so easy before, to make that choice. She could do it again. No, she would do it again. If it meant Madi surviving, then what was her life in comparison?

But then, through the ash and rubble, Madi emerged. She had a cut on her forehead but was otherwise unharmed. Clarke breathed in relief, she had thought they had been holding her somewhere. 

And then, to her utmost horror, she watched the captor grin slowly. It was sadistic, and she felt she knew what it meant before he even said anything. Clarke was unable to move as he walked towards Madi. She found her voice again and was screaming, for him to stop, for him to leave her alone, that she was just a child. Just an innocent little girl. Clarke had seen people killed before. Killed to protect her squad. Had seen people blown up and the aftermath. Had failed to save so many. She was tainted by war, but Madi wasn't, and she didn't deserve to die. 

"Kill me!" she shouted. "Please, please! Don't hurt her. Kill me instead."

Clarke woke up screaming for someone to kill her. 

She opened her eyes but it was too much light. Too much, way too much. People were shouting and she knew she had to fight them off or they would hurt Madi. Someone was calling for restraints. She realized that those were meant for her. When they tried to place them on her, she fought harder, still trapped in the nightmare. 

It was only her dad's voice that brought her back to reality. 

"Clarke, Clarke, it's me, okay? It's Dad. You aren't in Azgeda anymore. You're safe. You and Madi are safe." He was holding her face in his hands looking down at her with eyes that threatened tears but remained calm. "It was a dream. A nightmare. You're in a hospital with Madi. You're not in Azgeda. You're both safe."

He released her and she immediately slumped into the mattress, her wrists still straining slightly against the padded cuffs now attached to her bed. She looked to her right, and there indeed was Madi, taking in the whole ordeal with a jut of her chin and a glare. 

"I know she told you that you can't just wake us up like that," she sounded like she was reprimanding them, which would've made her smile if it was any other situation. "I tried to remind you, but you wouldn't listen."

"It's okay," her dad said, reassuring the collection of nurses that had come into the room. He looked at her, "You're okay, right?"

Clarke nodded, suddenly feeling entirely too embarrassed to speak. 

"Can you take the restraints off of her now? She isn't going to hurt anyone. You just scared her," she heard Madi say. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, still trying to wake herself up fully. 

In the end, it was decided that the restraints could come off, but would remain attached to the bed in case they needed to be used again. 

Madi cut in, "Well, if you hadn't woken her up like that, then you wouldn't have needed to use them in the first place."

She had to hide her smile with a cough. Her dad caught it, but he didn't say a word. It happened so quick she almost missed it, but she was pretty sure he gave her the tiniest of grins back. 

When one of the nurses that were in the room earlier came in to deliver lunch and check over their vitals (Madi was still a little dehydrated, which they had assured her wasn't going to be a long term problem, but something they were watching) she failed at concealing her nerves. 

"She's not gonna attack you cause her mashed potatoes don't have enough butter," Madi told her and the woman left without a word. 

Clarke snorted and tried not to laugh. "You do realize you've been talking about me like I'm some kind of wild animal you've decided to keep as a pet, right?"

She shrugged. "Maybe, but like, a really loveable one. Not the ones that end up eating their owners."

"They all end up eating their owners."

"Is this your way of breaking it to me that I can't have a pet panther now that we're no longer captives? Because I gotta be honest, I'm more of a dog person," Madi replied. 

That made her laugh fully and Madi grinned with triumph. 

"So," she said, "how bad are you gonna cry when you see Bellamy again?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to cry."

Madi raised her brows. "Wanna bet on that?"

"What's the wager?"

"If you cry then you have to think about us getting a dog. It doesn't have to be a puppy because I was talking to the really nice nurse, Greta, she's the one that doesn't look at us like we're freaks. Anyway, according to her, adopting a dog is like morally superior or something and there are tons of dogs that need adopting so it's better."

Clarke was a little taken aback. She had been expecting Madi to be nervous about all of the new things she was experiencing, not to dive right in and start acting like a typical girl her age. She didn't know if she was more relieved or nervous by the idea. 

She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. “Fine. And what do I get if I win and I don't cry?"

"Then you don't have to think about us getting a dog," she said after chewing on her lip in thought. 

"Right. So clearly, there's so much in it for me to win this thing."

Madi gave her the most twelve-year-old look she had yet to pull off. "I think it's cute that you think you have a chance of winning this bet."

She opened her mouth and then closed it, and then opened it again. "You really think I'm going to cry that much?"

"Oh, I don't think," she said, "I know."

And even if Madi was probably right, Clarke couldn't wait.

She figured they had at least another week given her nightmare episode, but that night, when her dad came to have dinner with her and Madi, he told them that they were leaving in two days. Two days and an odd number of hours and then she'd be back home. She would see her squad again.

The only thing that made her hesitate was herself. Would they still want her around now that she was changed so much by her time held with only Madi? Or would they be filled with disappointment that she wasn't entirely the person they'd known? And if she was being completely honest with herself, she knew she wasn't okay. Not even a little bit. How could she expect them to not only understand that but want to be around it? A part of her believed that they'd love her no matter what and felt assured of her place in their lives. But she'd been gone for so long. Maybe too long. What was worse, she didn't know if she would ever fully come back from the place she'd gone during those six years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> you can find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	2. Only One Thing Really Matters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the second chapter! we start to delve into where Clarke is given everything she's been through and then a bellarke reunion!
> 
> hope you enjoy it, and feedback is always appreciated. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'We're Still Here' by Sleeping at Last

Clarke thought they’d have at least an extra couple of days in Germany because of her nightmare incident, but her dad assured her that it wouldn’t have an impact. Which she’d taken as him being overly optimistic. It turned out he was right. 

After a couple more days, their flight was booked on a military plane (to ensure her and Madi’s privacy and safety) and they were heading to the biggest hospital that was closest to Arkadia, North Carolina. Madi was annoyed they had to go to yet another hospital, but they wanted to make sure Clarke was on the right combination of meds before they released her. They were told by her doctors and the military that it would only be a day or so before they were allowed to leave. Then, finally, home.

While her mother had sold the house on the beach, for what, she didn’t want to know, her dad had managed to buy it back a year ago. Though he hadn’t spent much time there and it was only sparsely furnished. He was still serving as a Sergeant Major, having delved into his work after losing both Clarke and Abby. 

“It’ll be nice to take a break,” he said as they boarded.

Madi was bouncing on her heels and was taking in every detail as they strapped into their seats. Besides the plane that had taken them out of Azgeda to Germany, she’d never been on a plane. And then, there’d been so much chaos and new things, Madi probably didn’t have time to take it all in. Even then, it’d been a cargo plane. Not at all like the one they were on now.

“How long of a flight is it?” she asked, for the third time.

“Seven or so hours,” Clarke replied. Even though the never-ending questions might’ve been just the slightest bit irritating, she was frankly relieved that Madi had so much curiosity about the world.

It would’ve been expected for her to have her fears. Maybe not the same ones that Clarke did, but the kind that held her back from wanting to move to the U.S. A place she had never known before. Especially when the only person Madi really had for the past six years was her. Clarke was lucky really, that she was the fucked up one. At least that way, she didn’t have to feel so guilty about ruining the person that had been her salvation.

“And then Arkadia,” she said, grinning.

“And then the hospital, and _then_ Arkadia.”

“I don’t understand why we have to go to another hospital, we just spent forever in the one here,” and Madi sounded so much like a typical twelve-year-old, she nearly laughed.

“Clarke just needs to,” her dad interrupted. “Trust me, everyone’s just as desperate to meet you as you are to meet them.”

That made Madi light up. Any mention that there were people out there, albeit people she’d only ever heard about from Clarke, that were excited to know her, she seemed to become more and more impatient to get there. Clarke understood the feeling. Even though she knew they were going through the correct measures to ensure her and Madi’s safety, she had never wanted something as badly as to see Bellamy again. To talk to him. To see all of them, really. Get to know them again, as daunting as that thought was.

As they readied for takeoff, she got a little twitchy. It had been years since she’d flown without the sedation that had been given to her when they’d traveled to Germany. The last time she correctly remembered it, flying had dropped her into a warzone that she had thought she wasn’t going to make it out of. Madi sensed it though. She reached out and took her hand. Her dad gave her a little nod and she relaxed, if only on the outside. As the plane took off, she gripped Madi’s hand, grateful that she didn’t pull away or make a big deal of it. She knew her dad noticed, but thankfully, he let it be for now.

Once they were in the air for a while, she and her dad went over the logistics of the move. How they would avoid the press. The inevitable interviews and talks with the military she’d have to do. She had already been debriefed and told the officials anything that could be of value. It didn’t shock her that the war was still on. Mostly, they talked of how she would somehow manage to make a life for herself after coming back from the dead. It wasn’t said explicitly, but it was there, lurking beneath each topic they discussed. 

“Are you sure you can miss a whole month of work?” she asked. “We can manage just fine on our own if you need to get back sooner.”

Jake nodded. “I feel like it’s not enough. I wish it could be longer. I would just quit and retire, but I don’t have access to my pension yet and—”

“Dad,” she shook her head. “You love your work. And D.C. isn’t too far. The last thing I want is for you to completely disrupt your life for me,” _because I’m crazy now,_ she thought but didn’t say. “Once we get settled, I’m sure we’ll be more than okay with you just visiting when you can.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I know, kiddo. It’s just that I lost you once. I want to be there for you, with you, every day now.”

“Yes, but I’m choosing to have me and Madi stay permanently in Arkadia because it is what’s best for us. But…” She faltered a little, she couldn’t help it. “I wish we could be around each other every day, too.” She pointed a finger at him before he could reply. “That doesn’t mean I want you to go rogue and leave yourself without a pension. Got it?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he joked and smiled for real this time.

“I’m serious.”

He sighed, and for a moment she thought he might argue, but he relented, “Okay. Whatever you want, alright? Just promise me you’ll let me know if it’s too much.”

That seemed to be the best she’d get, so she nodded. 

“I will, but it won’t be. I’ve got this.”

She could tell he was worried, especially after the incident in the hospital, but at least he wasn’t putting too much pressure on her to talk about it. Of course, she knew she’d have to. With a therapist, probably. For maybe years, going by the amount of pain and anger that was embedded in her mind. Madi would see one too, but Clarke knew that she was the one everyone was most worried about. 

It felt pitiful. She hated it. She also understood that everyone was trying to help. She hoped her squad and the rest of her friends would be different, though. That they wouldn’t treat her as something so fragile they could barely even look at her. The idea that Bellamy would see her as weak made her nearly sick to her stomach. 

When they landed, there was a car waiting to take them the rest of the way to Mount Weather General. They got in and Clarke ignored the paranoia that came when she buckled her seatbelt. It was constraining, tight against her chest, and her breathing got a little shaky. Only Madi noticed, her eyes turning serious as she tilted her head to the side. It was a silent question, one asking if she needed help, or if she was okay. She managed a nod, but she didn’t look convinced.

“Can I just say,” the driver said, looking in the rearview mirror. “Thank you for your service, Private Griffin, and welcome home. You’re a hero.”

Her stomach churned. While the driver was military issue, and would definitely know of her, it set her anxiety to a new level. _How many people knew about her? About Madi? How many would demand details? And which ones? What was she supposed to say to any of it?_

A part of her wanted to tell the driver that she wasn’t a hero, never had been. That if he knew the things she’d done on a daily basis during her tours, he wouldn’t have said any of that. But she thought his intentions were good, and so she let it go, swallowed the retort down. Though it nearly choked her to do it.

He wasn’t done though. Apparently, she was a bigger sensation than she could’ve ever imagined. 

“Really, you’re an inspiration,” she got a little twitchy as he went on, and she really wished he hadn’t. “I was wondering...I’m writing a book you see, and it would be great if I could get an interview. You know, just the basics of what you went through, the day to day, how you managed to stay sane. Nothing too graphic, but I’d love if you told me how you got the scars—”

That’s when she lost it.

“I’m a mess is what I am, and it’s also none of your goddamn business. So, no, you can’t have a fucking interview. And who the _hell_ said I was sane?”

In the car, the silence was palpable after that. Her dad tried to come up with some excuse for her, but she could tell it didn’t work. The driver shot a glare at her.

Madi silently rubbed her thumb across Clarke’s hand, and it was the only thing that kept her from reaching forward and throttling the driver. 

No one said a word the rest of the way. 

* * *

Bellamy couldn’t stop pacing. They were all at Mount Weather General, with the exception of Raven and Murphy, who couldn’t get off work for another couple of hours. They hated not being there, but Murphy had told them that they would get their own time with Clarke. 

He’d added, “The rest of you assholes are gonna be overwhelming enough as it is for her. And please, I beg of you, don’t go getting her a cake or balloons or freaking teddy bears. I’m sure this whole thing will be sappy enough as it is.”

Jackson and Echo, who were still in the Service, albeit not in active duty roles and administrative ones instead, had gotten the information of which hospital she’d be taken to from Kane. They’d immediately passed it along. Technically, they weren’t supposed to just show up at the hospital, but Bellamy had known the two of them had taken pity on him by telling him.

Octavia had come, bringing along her new boyfriend Lincoln. He still wasn’t sure about him, given the age difference and the fact that he probably would get his ass kicked if he tried to fight the other, but she seemed happy. They had met in AA, and O had told him they’d resisted getting together for a long time because of it. But in the end, they couldn’t hide from what they felt. 

No one was as anxious as him, but suddenly Harper got up, muttering, “Bathroom!” before running off.

“Morning sickness,” Monty explained, “it’s been hell for the past two weeks.”

They’d only just told them that Harper was twelve weeks along. It didn’t seem real that his friends were having a baby, but everyone was excited about the new addition to the group. The fact that they’d actually managed to become well-adjusted enough to agree to have a kid. That seemed to be a miracle in and of itself, after everything the two of them had been through overseas. Monty’s hands were still a little messed up, and Harper sometimes refused to leave the house for weeks at a time. But it had been a while since she’d been that bad. They all had their own wounds from the war, from the tours they’d served together.

It was why they’d all decided to move to Arkadia while on leave from their first tour. They’d chosen it because Clarke, Monty, Murphy, and Harper already lived there and it was small. Not too expensive. Enough to get pretty nice places near the beach. Not quite as nice as Clarke’s, but still, better than anything he and O had had growing up. They didn’t meet Echo, Emori, and Jackson until their second tour. Even though Jackson wasn’t in their squad, he felt like an honorary member. He had been looking to get out of California and both Echo and Emori didn’t have any ties to Ohio or Wisconsin. Really though, the whole relocation had been Clarke’s idea.

“Who gets it more than us?” she’d asked him when he’d resisted. He didn’t want to pull O out of school, not that she loved her current one much. “I think the move could be good for her, anyway. You said she’s been getting into fights, maybe this’ll help. Plus, Indra and Roan will definitely help out when we go back. It’s a good neighborhood. We take care of each other.”

So, they’d all come together because of her. Then, when they’d lost her, they relied on one another to keep her memory from disappearing entirely.

But he was going to see her, to touch her. She would not just be a memory anymore, but real. Alive.

“Dude, you gotta sit down,” Miller told him.

His own leg was bouncing though, and Jackson shot him a bit of a warning look.

He let out an exasperated sigh, knowing he was being a little much but unable to stop it.“I just want to know when I can see her.”

“We all want to see her,” Emori said. “But we’re not even supposed to know she’s here yet.”

“But she is,” he argued, knowing how desperate he sounded but unable to bring himself to care.

“How about I go ask?” Echo got up from one of the mercilessly uncomfortable seats and headed towards the front desk of the waiting area, which only made him antsier.

He wanted to be with her now. It wouldn’t really be true until he did. Even though Kane had told him and he’d seen the news and the articles and all of his friends had finally been able to accept the truth when he’d let them know, it hadn’t fully registered yet. How could it when she wasn’t breathing and talking and just _her_ in front of him?

Harper returned, looking a little paler, but assured them she was fine, and it was nothing she couldn’t handle. 

When Echo came back over, she had a somber expression and crossed her arms. “They say we can’t see her.”

“What?” he demanded.

She shook her head. “Apparently, there’s a whole lockdown on who can visit because of privacy from the press or something. The only people allowed in are military personnel relevant to her rescue and debrief and her dad.”

“But we’re family,” Harper argued. 

“They were pretty damn clear,” Echo responded, clearly pissed but accepting that there was nothing they could do. 

He wouldn’t allow that so easily. 

“Okay, well, how long is that gonna last?” Surely, if she was going to be here for a couple of days, they’d lax the rules eventually. 

She sighed, “I think we have to wait to see her until she’s released. They said it will only be a day or two.”

He scoffed. They didn’t get it. They hadn’t been the one to make the decision to leave her behind, the one to seal her fate. 

“I know it’s not ideal,” Monty cut in, “But if there’s truly nothing we can do, then maybe we can go back to her house, make sure everything’s ready for her. Maybe that’s how we’re there for her.”

Bellamy was about to open his mouth to argue that they could be there for Clarke _right now_ if the damn hospital would just let them, but a voice interrupted him before he could.

“Bellamy?” 

It was a kid. A girl. Probably anywhere from eleven to thirteen. She grinned when he turned to look at her. 

“Clarke knew you’d be here.” Her voice was filled with a pulsing energy. Like she had been waiting for them to show up her entire life. 

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head. “I don’t think I know you. Or how you know Clarke.”

At that, she rolled her eyes. “Duh. Of course, you don’t. I’m Madi. Clarke and I were in captivity together. She wouldn’t come back without me.”

Her words brought a strange sense of relief surging through him. He hadn’t read any of the articles too deeply, mostly because he couldn’t stomach the way they’d talked about her. The rumors swirling of how she could’ve possibly survived so long. The realization that she wasn’t alone all those years hit hard. Perhaps a kid wasn’t exactly ideal, but she’d had _someone._ A very entertaining someone, it seemed. And if what Madi said was true and Clarke wouldn’t return without her, then she was clearly important to Clarke. That made her important to him. 

“Why haven’t you all been to see her?” She scanned their faces, and he noticed how she lingered on Octavia’s who offered the smallest of smiles.

He could tell his sister was a little wary, as she usually was around strangers. Madi seemed to already know them though. He wondered how much Clarke had told her about them all. About him.

“We can’t see her,” Monty said. “They won’t let us.”

“I bet we can find a way to get you to her,” she replied, sounding so sure he almost laughed. 

“How?” Echo asked. “They’ll never let us past the front desk.”

Madi mulled this over for a minute. “We’ll need a distraction.”

Jasper grinned at that. “And I have just the idea,” and he shot a look at Harper who looked at him as if he’d lost it, just a bit.

The plan he laid out was a little ridiculous, but it was almost enough to maybe work. Madi was absolutely confident they could pull it off. She and Jasper took to one another immediately. Though it was clear to Bellamy from the way she looked and spoke to O that she was the one she was trying to impress the most. He tried not to be bothered that Clarke had probably talked about them all equally.

It was decided that he would be the one to visit Clarke since it was too risky to try and get seven people past the front desk unnoticed. 

When he’d tried to argue that Jasper or Miller or Emori should go instead of him, Miller shook his head. 

“It should be you. I’m sure you’re the one she wants to see most.”

He tried not to dwell too much on what it meant that everyone agreed and insisted that he be the one to see Clarke. Still, he gave in rather quickly. After all, he _was_ desperate to see her. To know that this all hadn’t been some dream conjured up by his mind to break him even more. 

Just as they’d discussed, the group moved towards the front desk as inconspicuous as possible. The woman behind it eyed Echo a little meanly, and he’d wondered if she hadn’t argued more on their behalf than she’d let on. He wouldn’t put it past her to have laid down a vague threat or two. 

On queue, Harper started breathing a little shakily, making them shorter with each one.

“Are you okay?” Jasper asked a little louder and exclamatory than Bellamy thought was needed, steadying her as she began to sway. 

Echo got hold of one of her arms. Harper tried to wave her off but then began to fall backward. Monty caught her before she could actually fall, his arms catching her under her own. 

“We need help over here! She’s pregnant,” Octavia commanded while Jackson brushed her hair from her forehead and pretended to look her over with concern.

“I’m fine—” Harper began. Then, just as a group of nurses and people in the waiting room rushed to help, she fluttered her eyes closed. For a second, even though he knew it was fake, it made him a bit nervous. Damn, if she didn’t make passing-out look real.

When the woman at the front desk rushed over with a wheelchair and ordered people to step aside, Madi grabbed his hand and they ran towards the stairs. She had decided that the elevator was far too slow and would be risky. Clarke was on the third floor, and the two of them rushed up the stairs. He was surprised she was able to keep up with his frantic pace. 

He was completely shocked that their plan had actually worked, but couldn’t be more grateful for Jasper’s taste for the dramatics.

Once they were on the right floor, Madi dragged him around the corner, rushing towards Clarke’s room. His pulse was racing, and not at all because of the movement. He was going to be near Clarke, be able to hold her. It didn’t matter what else had happened or that she’d been gone for so long. She had come back from the dead, and he was going to be able to see it for himself. 

But as they got to the door to her room, Madi stopped him before he could go in. He shot her a confused look, but she stared at him with a piercing stare that seemed far too old for her age. 

“She’s been having trouble adjusting, I think, but she hasn’t said it. She says she’s different than how she was before, but I wouldn’t know how much.” 

He didn’t care about any of that, but he understood Madi was protective of her. She didn’t want him scaring her or expecting too much too soon. It was probably for the best, that he took a moment to calm down a little.

“And there are scars,” Madi added, and he nodded, Kane had mentioned that. “I won’t tell you how she got them because I think she’ll want to do it herself, but they’re on her cheeks, and her back too. They’re not too bad, she says, but I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I just figured...She hasn’t actually said it, but she’s really excited to see _you_.”

And there was an underlying thing that maybe she didn’t even understand that she was saying: _Please, please don’t hurt her. She’s been through enough_. But he had already let Clarke down once by leaving her, he didn’t plan on doing it again. Not if he could do anything to help it. She wanted to see him though, even after what he’d done. They were still them, even though they’d both changed.

“I won’t do anything to hurt her,” he promised. 

Madi was reassured enough by that to allow him to enter the room, and when he did, he felt every bit of hope and joy slip through the control he’d been pretending he had over the situation. 

As cliche as it might’ve sounded, time stopped when he saw the bit of blonde hair, the familiar form under the standard-issue hospital blanket. Clarke was laying down, facing away from him, but she must’ve heard as the door clicked open and shut, because she began to sit up before he’d even started moving across the room.

He couldn’t stop himself from running over to her.

She hadn’t fully sat up before he was at her side, helping her into a position where they could embrace. For a moment, there were no words between them, just the feeling of her in his arms. He rubbed his hands softly over her back, feeling the little bumps of her spine. She felt thinner, too thin, he thought, but only for a moment, because he was so overwhelmed that this was actually real. Even though it’d been years, she still smelled the same. Not any scent in particular (there was no time for perfume or fancy shampoo in a warzone) but something he just knew was hers. She buried her face into his neck and he felt her breathe him in. Like she couldn’t believe he was here either.

He never thought he’d get this again, had believed that the last time they’d ever hug like this was when she got a letter from home saying that her mom and dad were getting divorced. It was right before he’d lost her to the Azgeda Liberation Republic. When he thought surely she’d been killed because of the statement the group who took her put out the next day. He didn’t realize how much he’d needed her until he lost her, but now he had her back.

After a long time and yet not long enough, they pulled away, but her hands still rested on his forearms and his hands went to her waist without even thinking about it.

Her breath shook as she got out, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re actually here...I.” She laughed a little and was smiling, and yet crying, at the same time. “How is this even possible?”

He knew he was tearing up too, and probably had a dazed look on his face.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “When I got the call, even then I couldn’t really let myself feel it, but, you’re here and I’m here and—”

“We’re together.”

“Yeah,” he shook his head. “I keep waiting to wake up.”

“Me too,” she chewed on her lip, her face clouded by something. “Is everyone else...I mean, the rest of the squad are they…?” She hesitated, a bit of fear etched on her face, a crease in her forehead. 

“Everyone made it. Raven, Murphy, Jasper, Monty, Harper, Echo, Emori, and Miller,” he assured her. “What you did, when you created that distraction for the ALR...It saved us all.”

At that, she brightened and sighed in relief. 

It would be too much to tell her what they’d been through in the past six years at that moment. Besides, most of it wasn’t his to tell. The last thing he wanted was for her to find a way to blame herself for their pain. He knew, given the chance, that she would. It had been near impossible without her, but she didn’t need another burden. He certainly didn’t want to be the cause of it. 

“And now you are, too,” he added, and then pulled her in for another hug.

This was one was briefer, only lasting a moment or so, but somehow more intense than the first. They both poured so much into the contact, clutching each other as if they were afraid the other would evaporate into thin air if they didn’t. Maybe he was. They both had to wipe away tears once they released one another.

He couldn’t stop looking at her like she was the most magnificent thing he’d ever seen. He didn’t care about hiding what he’d always felt. Not after living without her for so long. 

“I know it’s a lot to take in.” She gestured to her face.

It wasn’t until then that he noticed the scars, and realized she thought he’d been staring at them. There were four of them, two on each cheek, right around the cheekbone. They were pale, so you had to look for a moment to even know they were there, but she flushed a little as he took them in. He didn’t stare for too long though, remembering Madi’s words from before.

He reached up and cupped her cheek, and she leaned into his hand. More than anything, he wanted to say the right thing. “I’m sorry,” seemed impossibly unhelpful, and “you’re beautiful,” would come off as smarmy, and something about how strong she was felt like too much pressure on her.

“I’m so fucking happy you’re alive,” was all he could manage.

It seemed to be the right thing though because her self-consciousness appeared to subside a little. 

“Me too.” She joked, “I’ve heard dying isn’t all that fun.”

He laughed, even though it wasn’t all that funny.

“Yeah, I think that might be something that’s been mentioned to me before.”

She released a breathless scoff, but she was grinning as she did it.

There was an understanding between the two of them of what they were doing. It was a way to deflect all the pain and severity of what had happened. To take some of the enormous amounts of heaviness away from her capture, him believing she was dead, and their reunion. The least he could do was help her do that.

There was no telling how much time they actually had until a nurse walked in and kicked him out, so he considered everything he wanted to say to her. Even if all they did was talk for the rest of their lives, it would never be enough time to say it all. He knew what he wanted to say most of all. 

_I love you, I’m in love with you. I love you so much I don’t know what to do with all, because you’re everything, more than everything. You’re the person I trust more than myself, the only one I know I can share every burden, every self-judgment with. I never believed in soulmates, until I fell for you._

He knew he couldn’t say that though, not then. Not when she was still adjusting, as Madi said. She hadn’t even gotten to sleep in a bed that wasn’t in a hospital yet. She would need time, and he knew he would wait. If she even wanted him. During those years without her, he’d thought that she might’ve, but now that she was back, he wasn’t so sure. Still, those nerves and fears were his to bear silently. He couldn’t put them on her, not after the hell she’d somehow survived. 

So, instead, he settled for, “We’re gonna be a complete family again. I know things have changed. That we’ve all been through so much, and have had to adapt in order to keep going. But I promise we’re all gonna be here for you. Whatever you need. And I’m here, and not going to lose you again, okay? Together, like you said.”

She looked a little overwhelmed by his words, and he worried they’d been too much, but then she replied, “That’s exactly what I need. To just...Have you all back. To have my _home_ back.”

And they smiled at one another, knowing they were on borrowed time until he had to leave. It was then that he realized he’d hadn’t felt like he had come home from Azgeda until she was in front of him. Breathing, laughing, and making horrible jokes. He was touching her. Feeling the steady beat of her heart, even though his hand was nowhere near it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading ❤︎


	3. One Day, We'll Reveal the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies. I am sending all my love and good thoughts your way with this update. 
> 
> this chapter focuses on Clarke's reunions with everyone else and gets further into how her six years have impacted her. it's lighter in some ways but does continue to deal with serious themes. as a result, I debated updating this specific chapter right now, but I ultimately decided to continue with this story. of course, I definitely support not reading this fic right now if that's what is best for you. please do whatever makes sense for you and know I'm thinking of you.
> 
> if you'd like to know more about why I'm choosing to post during this time, please read my author's note [here](https://animmortalist.tumblr.com/post/619746677632466944/love-is-the-best-thing-we-do-a-himym-au-summary). but feel free to reach out to me on tumblr if you have any questions or concerns.
> 
> *tw for a panic attack and night terrors*
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Youth' by Daughter* 
> 
> as always, feedback is appreciated.
> 
> I hope you all are doing the best you can. take care of yourself. take care of each other. spread awareness and contribute as much as you can. black lives matter. 
> 
> all my love 💖

Everyone understood why Clarke didn’t want to have a party when she was released from the hospital. She thought she’d have to fight them on it, but her dad told her they’d all accepted it without fanfare. Which gave her pause. It didn’t sound like Jasper or Octavia, but she let it go. They were probably different, after so long. Besides, she was getting what she wanted.

Even though there would be no formal celebration, they were all going to come over to the house, to have a proper reunion. She hadn’t seen anyone else yet except for Bellamy. Though he’d told her everyone was doing well. That Harper was pregnant and Octavia had a new boyfriend who he even sort-of liked. He’d assured her that everyone had thought of her all the time and couldn’t wait to see her again.

It made her a little nervous, but she knew it was silly. Why was she so worried to see the people who loved her most again? Of course, part of her knew why. There was pressure there, for her to be the old Clarke, to be the one they’d left behind in that warzone. She didn’t want to worry Bellamy, so she’d just smiled and nodded and told him she felt the same. It wasn’t a lie, not completely. Really, she did want to see them, to be with them. More than she could put into words. 

She and Madi made the drive to Arkadia with her dad the day after Bellamy managed to get up to her room. 

The rest of her squad and friends had gone home. Or rather, to her home. What would be her and Madi’s home, at least. 

“They wanted everything to be ready for when you got back,” her dad explained. “I ordered some of the furniture, just what’s necessary, so you can pick out what you’d like for most of it, but they’re putting all together.”

The image of her friends struggling to move a couch or put together a bookcase made her laugh. 

“They didn’t have to do that.” She turned a little more serious. “I could’ve done it myself.”

It was so much, too much. After what she’d done throughout her life, she wasn’t sure she deserved it. 

“I know, kiddo. They wanted to. Insisted on it.” He gave her a warm smile. “We got a couple of your things from storage at my place. There’s not much, but we can get you new clothes and anything else you and Madi might need.”

Right. She’d been dead. No need for them to keep any of her stuff. Still, she was lucky her dad had kept any of it. She hadn’t asked why he had, but she could tell by the look on his face. It had been too painful to let it all go, the pieces of his daughter who he thought was gone forever. 

She wasn’t gone anymore, she hoped.

The thoughts of her not fully being back disappeared as soon as they pulled up to the house. New anxieties took root. This was the house she had left her mother alone in. Where that loneliness had become a disease and destroyed her. Where she was meant to create some kind of life for Madi. For herself. It was too much. 

The thought of it all pressed her into her seat and made her think she might throw up. She thought she was fine one minute, but the next...Panic. 

It was a familiar feeling, one she’d felt many times throughout her years when she’d be home from her tour. During her years with the ALR. Never had it felt so all-consuming though. So unstoppable and total in its wreckage of her composure. 

She couldn’t breathe and went through her usual tricks. Count down from one hundred in tens. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. _You’re okay_ . She tried to tell herself. It didn’t work. Fighting against the seatbelt, her dad helped her get the damn thing off, and she took one rattling breath after the other. He smoothed a hand down her back. Madi jumped out of her seat and came around to the passenger side door. She couldn’t breathe. Her dad was saying words she couldn’t make out. Madi was there. By her side. Taking her hand in hers. _It’s okay, Clarke, it’s okay. It’s just a house. It’s just your friends. Remember? Bellamy and Octavia and Murphy and Emori and—._ She couldn’t breathe. _In and out, okay, kiddo? In and out. Just breathe. You can do that. I know you can._ Didn’t he get it though? Didn’t he understand? The breath was gone. She couldn’t remember how to do it. How had she ever done it before? The mechanism was broken. The lungs had collapsed. There was no hope for them to fill again. She was going to die. Her body was numb but she could feel every single nerve shorting out. She couldn’t breathe. Madi’s hand squeezed tighter. Her dad’s eyes went wider. His arms came around her. Then Madi’s. Tight. So tight it hurt a little. The good kind of hurt. The kind that reminded her she was alive and whole and they weren’t in that place anymore. A breath shook through her. And then another. And another. She nodded. _I’m okay._ She tried to say. _I’m okay now._ Slowly, Madi released her grip. After a minute, her dad did, too. She could breathe again.

“Better?” her dad asked. 

“Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “Better.”

Madi eyed her warily. She’d never seen her so bad before. Clarke had made sure to save that for the journals, for when she was already asleep at night. She smoothed down a lock of hair from her face.

“I’m alright.”

“You promise?” Madi asked. 

She exchanged a look with her dad to reassure him too, and then managed a nod. 

“Promise.”

“In that case…” Madi trailed off. “Can we go inside now?”

Clarke surprised herself by being able to laugh a little.

“Yes,” she told her. “We can go inside.”

Her dad by her side, her hand linked with Madi’s, they entered the house. 

She thought she was prepared to see everyone after so long, but one look at them and she broke out into the widest smile in years. 

Immediately, she was brought into a crushing hug in Jasper’s arms. He clung to her tight. Things had been rough between them towards the end, in part because of Maya’s death. She was a local that agreed to help them, and she’d paid for it with her life. Clarke and Jasper had been barely speaking when she was captured. The last thing he’d said to her was that he would never forgive her. 

But she was glad he still loved her, despite the pain. Even though she couldn’t consider that he may have forgiven her long ago. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke,” he said, his voice strained from the tears she felt fall from his face onto her neck. 

She pulled away. “For what?”

“I was an ass. I was...I know I was bad, but that doesn’t—”

“It’s okay.” She smiled softly and brought him in for another hug. “It’s okay, Jasper.” 

She didn’t want to dwell on the past right then. That could come later. For now, she just wanted to be with her friends. 

When they released each other, she took note of everyone else. They were different, older, obviously. But still looked like them. Still felt the same, too, if her hug with Jasper was any indicator. 

There no words, she didn’t think that could ever get at what she wanted to express to all of them. They may have felt the same way because, for a minute, they were quiet. Then Madi cleared her throat pointedly. 

Clarke laughed. “Right, everyone, this is Madi. Madi, this is everyone.”

Raven opened her mouth to introduce herself, but Madi jumped in, saying, “Let me try and see if I can get this right.”

She cleared her throat started to the far left of the room. “Well, you must be Jackson, and then Miller.” He grinned and nodded and Madi smirked. “I liked your stories about stealing for the poorer kids in the neighborhood.” 

“You told her _that_?” Miller asked.

Clarke nodded sheepishly. 

“She told me _lots_ of stuff,” Madi said. 

Bellamy looked at Clarke briefly and she shrugged.

Then, she continued, pointing at Raven, “And you’re Raven. I heard all about that bomb you stopped from detonating in like thirty seconds. Badass.” Raven smirked a little. “And Echo, Jasper, Emori, and Murphy—Clarke told me you were funny so my expectations are high.” He raised his brows but seemed pleased. “And Harper and Monty—and your baby, I guess. But I can’t blame Clarke for not telling me about _that._ Bellamy, of course…” She paused when she got to Lincoln. “You, I don’t know, but I’m sure I will.” She brightened, beaming as she finished, “and Octavia. You’re my favorite, by the way.” She glanced at Clarke. “Am I awesome or what?”

“What,” she shot back.

Madi rolled her eyes. “You can admit it without having it go to my head, trust me.”

She raised a brow and then gave in. “Fine, I suppose it was pretty awesome.”

“Either that you just drew and talked about your friends way too much.”

At that, she flushed a little. 

“Wasn’t much to do with our days,” she covered for herself.

No one bought it, but that didn’t matter. They were too busy watching her and Madi interact with curiosity. She supposed _that_ was different. They weren’t used to the two of them. 

“Madi,” her dad cut in. “Why don’t I show you your room, and we can start figuring out what you need in there?”

Clarke was grateful when she seemed excited by the prospect, but she did say before they went upstairs, “It’s okay, Jake. I know Clarke needs time to talk to everyone without me around. So they can cry or whatever.”

He laughed at that and turned to her before the two of them headed upstairs. “You sure she’s not yours?”

“Please,” Madi added. “She wishes.” That made everyone laugh. 

When they disappeared up the stairs, she felt like a limb had been torn from her. She had this almost constant fear for Madi. Despite the fact that she knew it was irrational, it remained. Like something horrible would happen if she wasn’t in her eyesight. There had been so few times where they weren’t in the same place during the past six years. But Clarke knew she had to get over it if either one of them had any chance of something that resembled a normal life. 

As soon as the two of them were out of earshot, she turned to her friends. Apparently, everyone wanted a turn hugging her. Jasper even snuck a second one, which Monty protested was hardly fair, so then they all had to hug her _again._ The outburst of affection was a little overwhelming, especially since they weren’t typically the kind of friends to be so touchy. She appreciated it, though. It had been so long since she’d been touched with such affection, especially in moments of happiness. Once they were done and she scanned their faces, trying to spot any differences. 

“I want to know everything,” she said.

So, they started the process of sewing her back into the life she’d been ripped out of at the seams. 

She learned that Monty and Harper had taken almost two years after they got married to decide to have a baby. That Monty’s hands had led to an honorable discharge not long after her capture. Harper hadn’t signed up for another tour, feeling she had done enough fighting.

“I realized I just wanted to live, more than anything else,” she told Clarke. 

Raven had been recruited by one of the most renowned Think-Tanks out of D.C. but insisted on working remotely so she wouldn’t have to leave Arkadia. 

Emori and Murphy were Common Law now, decidedly not interested in actually getting married. Murphy worked at the best restaurant in town while Emori ran a program for underprivileged kids. 

Miller and Jackson were married too and thinking about fostering, though hadn’t decided if it would be a good fit yet, given that Miller was still working through some stuff. Jackson was working in administration at the nearest base while Miller worked with Bellamy at the bar. 

“You gotta see it,” Miller said. “Bellamy hand-carved this bartop that is so beautiful I’m pretty sure people have cried over it. And only seventy percent of it was because they were drunk at the time.”

Jasper was working to get his degree as a therapist. When she gushed to him about it, he brushed it off. “Figure I’ve got a decent amount of my own crazy. Might as well try and help people with it.”

Echo was top in her field, doing something she wasn’t allowed to discuss with anyone other than Jackson due to security. She seemed happy though, fulfilled. Centered in a way she never had while they were overseas in the country she had called home as a child. 

Clarke was most greedy with the details of Bellamy, though she knew most of the basics already. They spent most of the time talking about him, which she knew made him feel self-conscious, but she would never get those years back. A part of her craved the details so much she wondered if she wasn’t filled with dread that she no longer fit in his life. 

Really, she didn’t have to worry about that though. 

He assured her, “It hasn’t felt real, without you here. Obviously, a lot’s changed but…” He swallowed thickly. “It’s like time’s started again.” She had to wipe away a tear or two at that. Hell, Murphy did, too. 

Lincoln was a surprise, but a nice one. She was a little shocked to learn that Octavia was in Alcoholics Anonymous. There was an awkward silence in which the events that led to her going there weren’t mentioned, and a tenseness between her and Bellamy Clarke had only seen a few times in her years knowing the siblings. It felt palpable now, though. Different. As if there were real scars there instead of just cuts.

They had struggled too. It wasn’t a shock, given everything they’d been through. She expected it. Hearing about it was something she had to get used to. 

She kept them talking though, asking more details about random little things. Each one was precious. No matter how seemingly insignificant. 

There was another reason for her tactics though. She wanted to keep them from asking their own questions about her six years. They seemed to sense this, and respect it, for which she was grateful. There would come a time for her to tell them. The good and the bad and the pain of living every day without them. She just didn’t want it to be that moment. She needed time. Without even asking for it, they granted it to her.

They were laughing over Jasper’s pride that Harper and Monty’s baby was already named Jordan when Madi and her dad came back downstairs. 

“I think we’ve given them ample time to cry,” Madi said to Jake. “Don’t you?”

He laughed, and she was filled with a warm sense of joy that the two of them seemed to get along so well. 

“Someone’s impatient to get to the beach,” he explained. 

“I’ve been very patient, actually.”

He grinned, and came over to her, rubbing at her shoulder. “You up for it?”

There was no hesitation on her part. “Of course.”

Clarke had forgotten what it felt like to stand at the edge of the world until she was in front of the ocean once more. 

As soon as they walked down the path to the beach around the back of the house, when the ocean came into full view, Madi’s jaw actually dropped. 

“Holy shit,” she breathed out.

“Madi!” Clarke chastised. 

She eyed her. “Like you aren’t thinking the same thing.”

Madi had a point. She was also itching to move forward from the group, who, even Clarke could admit, were moving slowly, taking time to point out differences on the beach for her. Small things, really. Ones she never would’ve noticed if they hadn’t shown her. 

Without Madi even asking the question, Clarke told her, “Go ahead.” 

She grinned, all teeth. Then, she took off down the beach.

Clarke walked a little quicker. While she didn’t want to smother Madi, she was nervous, being in a new place with her. There was so much that could happen. She wanted to protect her, even now that they were “safe”. Bellamy matched her pace and the chatter of the others mixed with the sound of the crashing of waves. 

“She reminds me of O at that age,” he said. 

“Me too,” she admitted. “The stories you told me, at least. Though I guess that means I’m really in for it for the teen years, huh?”

“Probably.”

That made her laugh.

“Except you’re not doing it all alone,” he told her. “You’ve got a small army of pseudo-aunts and uncles that I’m sure will help out.”

She snorted. “Can’t wait for Raven to teach her how to blow stuff up.”

He bumped his shoulder against her. “At least you’ve got a while before Monty and Jasper help her make her own moonshine.”

She shot him a dark look, and he grinned. 

“Just trying to be helpful,” he said in defense.

“Uh-huh.” She tried to make her voice flat, but couldn’t manage it. 

It was strange, and yet so comforting, that they could fall into their old banter as if no time had passed. She craved more. There would be other opportunities, of course, but she selfishly wanted Bellamy all to herself for a while. 

She was going to say more, but then Madi started chasing a flock of seagulls. Mirroring their cries, she flapped her arms. Clarke smiled. It was nice, to see her happy. It was all she had wanted for a while, including getting home, of course. She had been worried about the adjustment. But it appeared that Madi was doing just fine. As she followed the seagulls, she got further down the beach. Getting closer and closer to the water.

“Madi, not so close to the ocean, okay?” Clarke called.

Madi shot her a look over her shoulder but didn’t get any nearer to where the waves hit the beach. Instead, she went over to where there was a small stack of driftwood, inspecting it for what she didn’t know. 

There was laughter behind her. Clarke turned around to find her friends holding themselves back from cracking up. Even Bellamy had a wry smile on his face. 

She frowned. “What?”

“It’s just…” Harper started to say but started laughing and couldn’t finish. 

“You’re such a _mom_ ,” Octavia stated. 

Jasper nodded. “It’s like being back in training.”

“Except this time it isn’t geared at us,” Monty added. 

“Can any of us say we’re surprised Clarke came back with a kid, though?” Miller posed to the group.

No one even tried to disagree with him. 

She couldn’t help it, she let out a laugh at that. “Okay, okay. I get it. I may have some slight motherly tendencies.”

“Slight is an interesting word for it,” Emori got out in between snorting out laughter. 

Echo argued, “More like all in composing.” 

“You guys are hilarious,” she told them. 

“You missed it, though,” Bellamy said. “Right?”

She nodded, her expression turning fond in spite of their teasing. “Yeah, I really did.”

“Octavia!” Madi shouted, disrupting the moment. She had picked up two pieces of driftwood that were long and sturdy. “Want to teach me some of those famous fencing skills.”

Clarke turned to her. “You don’t have to, but...She was most nervous about meeting you. I think she wants to impress you.”

Octavia grinned. “Well, I certainly can’t disappoint, then.” She jogged over to Madi and took one of the pieces of driftwood. “Prepared to be amazed!” she said, loud enough they could all hear.

Madi had never looked so delighted, and her heart surged with affection. For Octavia. For all of them. And for the first time since she was rescued, she thought she might be okay. 

* * *

Bellamy had to keep checking that Clarke was there. That she was alive and in front of him, and making jokes. Even after an entire day with her, it hadn’t set in yet. He didn’t know if it ever would. If he could ever get used to the fact that she was _here._ But she was, he reminded himself. 

After dinner, she hesitated for a moment before asking, “Would you guys wanna stay the night?” She quickly backtracked though, clearly nervous she was requesting too much. “I understand if not, but there’s plenty of room and...It could be fun, right?”

Madi watched them silently for their reaction. Probably trying to size up whether or not they were good enough friends to know Clarke needed them. That she couldn’t ask for it herself. Bellamy liked to think that they were. 

He had to hold back from immediately agreeing. Instead, he looked to his friends first before telling her, “We’d love to.”

She brightened, and let out a breath. “Great. It’ll be like old times.”

“God, our sleepovers really were epic, huh?” Jasper asked. 

“We were adorable, back then,” Harper said. “Remember the _Harry Potter_ marathon?” She smirked. “Murphy had a slight British accent for days.”

“I did not,” Murphy cut in. “And speak for yourselves. You all snore so fucking loud it’s like a bad rendition of _Cats_. Not that I’m not absolutely thrilled about the prospect of revisiting our glory days,” he added when Clarke’s expression faltered a little. 

“Your enthusiasm is appreciated,” she told him around a grin. 

They spent the next couple of hours watching movies, ones that most of them had seen but Clarke had missed. He tried not to stare at her too much, but he knew it was more than a little obvious. 

Murphy even commented, “I think if you look at Clarke even harder she’ll actually turn to stone, Medusa.” Bellamy pointedly ignored him, but he did notice Clarke smiled at that, which made him feel a lot better.

Once it was late enough for Madi to go to bed, even though she complained that she didn’t want to miss anything good, they had a beer or glass of wine. Except for Octavia and Lincoln, who had tea. 

Jake stayed downstairs for half an hour but then made an excuse he needed his rest and went up to one of the guest rooms. Bellamy had missed him, which took him a little by surprise. The two of them had never been close, but he was glad to have him around again, if only because he knew how much Clarke loved him. 

They talked for a while, teetering on the edge of Clarke’s time in captivity but never touching on it. No one wanted to push her, but they wanted to know how she survived. He knew, of course, it was _Clarke,_ after all. Still, if she wanted to talk about it, he would be there for her. 

Eventually, she sighed and went for it herself. “Can someone just ask the question already? You guys aren’t nearly as subtle as you think.”

They all looked rather sheepish at that. The rest of them waited. He knew what they were thinking. He should be the one to ask it. It took him a minute to find the words. 

“Alright,” he said. “But only if you want to talk about it.”

She paused. “I think I have to, eventually. I mean, I know I will with a therapist. My dad already has one set up for me and Madi. But it won’t be real, I don’t think. Not until I tell you guys.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “How did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I wish there was a better answer, but I knew I had to protect Madi, and I knew I had hope that I would be rescued. I kept going. Day after day. There were times where I lost hope and…” It seemed she was going to say something else, but dismissed it. “I just did it. I’m not ready to go into specifics yet, but,” she swallowed, “It was _bad_ sometimes.”

For a moment, no one spoke up. Emori finally did. 

“We’re glad you did. Hell.” She shook her head. “I don’t think there’s even a word that can express how grateful we are that you did. What you did for us...What you did _for me_?”

“Please,” Clarke replied, voice straining. “It’s okay. I would do it again if I had the choice. And I don’t want your guys’ pity or to feel like you owe me. You don’t. I chose to do what I did, and I don’t want anyone to feel bad about that.” Her gaze lingered on him for a moment, and he felt this impossible sadness when she continued, “I’m proud of you all.”

The fact that she was _proud_ of him for leaving her behind, for dooming her to what he thought was her death sentence. He would never be able to express to her how much it had broken him to do it. How it had never gotten better. How even though he’d saved his squad if he had to go back and do it again, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make the same decision. Not when he knew what life without her was like. 

“Thank you, Clarke,” Murphy said to her. “For Emori and for, you know, not dying.”

She smiled, a little wry. “I’ll try to keep it up.”

They were all rather exhausted after that, and headed to their respective couches and gave the remaining guest room to Harper and Monty. As Clarke said, it was a big house. Everything settled into a quiet peace. He drifted off to sleep on his favorite couch much easier than he had in years in his own bed. 

He woke up to screaming. 

“What’s going on?” Echo asked. Her whole body was tense. 

Bellamy was already up though. He had never heard Clarke scream like this before, but he knew, he _knew_ it was her. Without even thinking about it, he rushed to her room. The door was open and Madi was looking in with wide-eyed horror. 

“She won’t wake up,” she said. “I...I…”

“It’s okay,” he told her. Though how could it be? 

He went over to where Clarke was thrashing in her bed, her voice already bordering on hoarse. Vaguely, he heard everyone else gather outside the room. 

“Madi, come here,” he heard Jake say. 

“I…” she started to say again. 

“Come on,” Octavia cleared her throat. “I make a mean hot chocolate.”

With Madi taken care of, he turned his attention back to trying to wake Clarke. 

“Clarke,” he said, not touching her, his voice soft but commanding. “Clarke you have to wake up. Please, come on. It’s just a dream, I promise. Clarke!” 

Her eyes fluttered open and she panted as she regained her composure. She sat up in bed and he sank down next to her. She reached out and they clasped their hands together. For a while, they sat just like that as she caught her breath. One stuttering one after the other. He didn’t know how long they sat like that. He heard the murmurings of voices from downstairs but wasn’t focused on them. All of his attention was on her. On making sure she knew whatever she’d been imagining, wherever she had been, she wasn’t there anymore. 

Tears pricked her eyes, and without thinking about it, he stroked her cheek, wiping them away. 

“It was so _real_ ,” she said after a while. 

“I know.” He nodded. “I know it was.”

While he hadn’t had a nightmare like this one in years, they used to come to him almost every night. He would wake in a cold sweat. Clarke’s name hanging in the air. His final betrayal of leaving her behind echoing in his mind. 

She squeezed his hand. “You brought me out of it though.” The smile she offered was small and hesitant. 

His heart faltered even as he squeezed her hand back and nodded. On the one hand, it was all he wanted to do. On the other, it was his fault she had to face this in the first place. 

“Madi?” she asked.

“Octavia’s making her hot chocolate.”

She started talking quickly, “I have to go down there. I have to explain, make her not scared...I have to—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” he told her. “She’ll be alright for a little bit longer. They’ve got her.”

She nodded. “You’re right. I don’t want to freak her out. I need...” She shook her head in disbelief. “Sometimes, I had them...Or I would...There were times when I didn’t know if I was going to survive it. But I was never like _this._ Weak. It was never this intense. Over there.”

“It never is,” he replied. “And I think you’re about the furthest thing from weak.”

She didn’t look convinced but also didn’t go against what he’d said, which he figured was the best he was going to get given the situation. 

“I forgot,” she confessed. “What it’s like, coming home. I forgot that it all catches up to you, eventually. How stupid is that?”

“It’s not stupid,” he argued. “You’ve been through hell. It’s going to take time. But we’re going to help you get through it, alright? Just take your time.”

She took a deep breath. “Can you just sit with me? Until I’m ready?”

He didn’t question it or consider any other option. “Of course. However long you need, okay?”

She was still shaking a little. “Thank you, Bellamy.”

_Please, don’t thank me_ , he thought. _Not when I’m the one that doomed you to this. Not when I’ve hurt one of the people I love most in the world. I’ve put this terrible thing on you. You once said I wasn’t a monster, and I believed you, but now I’m not so sure._

He couldn’t tell her that, though. There was already too much on her shoulders. Already had been even before her years in captivity with only Madi. Now, there was so much more. Things he couldn’t even begin to understand. Things he didn’t yet know. He wouldn’t ask about those. About what memory had cursed her that night. Maybe one day, she would tell him, but he would never make her. 

So, instead, he said, “I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it. I’m here.”

He knew would be. No matter what she asked of him, no matter how much time she needed. She was the love of his life, and he would try forever to make up leaving her behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	4. Maybe I'm Afraid of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies!! sending love and good thoughts your way! take care of yourself and each other. 
> 
> this chapter focuses on Clarke's continued adjustment to being back, a short Abby and Clarke reunion of sorts, and Bellamy doing everything he can to be there for her. 
> 
> *chapter title from 'Bite the Hand' by boygenius*

The next month was a blur of trying to figure out what Clarke had missed and where she now fit in with the world she’d left behind. Tentative steps. Ones that sometimes led her forward, and others that led her to step back. 

Meanwhile, Madi dived headfirst into her new life. Without abandon or second thought. Not even a glance back at Clarke, which she tried not to mind too much. Before, her world had been so insular, just two people, really. Now, it was infinite. She couldn’t blame her for being excited, for wanting to lose herself in it all. The only thing she wished for was that she felt the same. 

She said as much in her latest therapy session. The woman was in her late thirties, with a practical bob, and her name was Jane. When Clarke first saw her, she thought she looked nice. She was proved right, and she had a soothing voice. It also helped that she didn’t write down any notes while they talked. Just listened. 

“I feel like I’m being held back,” Clarke told her. “Like there’s all this stuff that I want to do and say and experience but I can’t. Madi’s going for it all and I’m jealous of her, honestly.” She huffed out, “It feels as if there’s this invisible wall between me and the rest of the world.”

Jane didn’t say anything for a moment, but eventually, she asked, “Do you think you’re putting that wall up? Or is it something else?”

She considered the question for a moment. Jane’s questions always made her have to think through her answers, which she hadn’t decided if she liked or not yet. “Maybe both,” she decided. Then admitted, “I don’t know. I’m having all of these nightmares and I jump at the goddamn toaster and—” She swallowed. “I feel like I’m still over there, most of the time.”

Jane played with her wedding ring. “You said you have people in your life though. Your squad, your dad, Madi, and your other friends.” 

Clarke nodded. “I do, and they’re amazing, but my dad had to go back to D.C. last week, so it’s just me and Madi in the house now...” she trailed off. “I think that even though I’ve come back and have all the support in the world, it still feels as if nothing here touches me.”

“There’s nothing?” Jane asked, and there was concern etched onto her features. Maybe a little overdone, for her, but she still appreciated the sentiment.

Even though Clarke was paying her to listen, she did feel like the woman genuinely cared about what she said, how she was feeling. When she allowed herself to think it. It was one of the reasons she agreed to keep seeing her, why she felt like she could actually talk to her. 

“Well, except maybe Bellamy and Madi, but she’s my kid so I can’t fall apart with her. I have to be strong. And I can tell I’m worrying Bellamy and I don’t want him to see me,” she gestured to herself, “as much of a mess as I really am.”

She frowned. “But you said before he told you he wants to be there for you, no matter what that means.”

That gave Clarke pause, because, she knew, Jane _did_ have a point. The same night that she’d first gone home, Bellamy held her after she woke up, soothing her until she was ready to go downstairs. To talk to everyone. Especially to Madi though. To try and convince everyone she was fine. Before she did that, he made sure she knew he was there for her. That they all were, but that she could lean on him if she needed. Whatever or however that manifested. She hadn’t allowed herself to do it yet. 

“But what if he realizes I’m not the person he left behind? What if…” She swallowed thickly, holding back tears. She hated how quickly she cried now. “What if he figures out that I’m not me anymore, and decides he doesn’t like who I am now?”

Jane considered her words for a moment. “Do you really think Bellamy would do that? Stop caring for you just because you’ve changed? You said you feel that he’s changed too. Which is okay, Clarke. Normal, even. But do you believe that he would truly stop being there for you just because you have?”

She wanted to argue that yes, she did. Because a piece of her did believe that, as absurd as she knew it was. It wasn’t a very large piece, but it was there. How could she really know that Bellamy would be able to handle the ugliest parts of her? The scars, both the physical and the emotional, that she had earned over the past six years were jagged and raw. She hadn’t realized how much, and it was jarring for her to discover she wasn’t as well adjusted as she’d thought. 

“I’m scared that he might,” she admitted. “Not because I think he wants to or anything. But he might not be able to help it. I think I’m just too much for anyone to really know right now.”

Jane told her, “From what you’ve explained to me in our previous sessions, you two have been through a lot together, and he seems to have always been there before. Why is this time different?”

There were a thousand reasons for that, but she didn’t know if any of them were _good_ ones. Or even the kind that would hold up if she tried to explain them. They were irrational fears concocted in her mind while she avoided sleeping to keep from having another nightmare. Maybe they wouldn’t make sense to Jane, but she couldn’t stop herself from voicing them. If nothing else than because she knew she wouldn’t be able to say them to anyone else. 

“Because I’m a mess and I feel like I have to be taken care of all the time except I don’t want that kind of pity and I know I can watch out for myself and Madi just fine. But it feels like...I’m exhausted in the mornings because I’m not sleeping but it’s more than that. I’m tired of _myself_.” 

She felt the tears come. The first time she cried in front of Jane. But she pushed on when she gave her an encouraging nod. She wiped her tears away and let out a breath. “If I can’t handle me, and if I don’t even want to deal with me or hell, _know_ me, then why should I expect anyone else to?”

The other woman’s answer was simple. “There’s no right answer here, Clarke. Just what you feel, but…” She shrugged and smiled softly. “They’re your family. Bellamy is your partner, you told me when we first met. So let him be that if you need it.”

She did her best to come up with some kind of argument, but every time she thought she’d found one, Bellamy’s actions and words from before were there to prove her wrong. Maybe she didn’t trust herself to show him every ugly part of her, but she could start to let him in more. Let him see some glimpses of what she had gone through. 

“Maybe there’s one thing you can tell him,” Jane proposed. “Doesn’t have to be major or anything. Something that you feel okay sharing. You can be clear that you don’t want his pity, even not want him to do anything but hear you. But I think it would help, for you to tell him.”

Clarke thought it over. It would be so easy to disagree, to tell her that she wasn’t ready or that she could deal with her trauma without unloading on Bellamy. The more she considered her advice though, the more she wanted to follow it. She knew it could feel good, to let go of something. Like she said, maybe it could be just one, small thing. 

“I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of the nightmares,” she said after a while. “I could, I mean, I _think_ I can try to tell him that.”

Jane nodded. “Okay, let’s try that. And then we can talk about if it worked or not next time. Discuss the next steps.”

After therapy, she always felt so heavy. So weighed down by everything. Unlike Madi, who said she felt lighter after her sessions with Jane. Clarke had been nervous about them both going to see the same person, but Madi told her that she wasn’t, and had taken to her immediately. She yearned to get the kind of peace her daughter did from talking to the therapist. Every week though, her bones felt wearier and her mind usually went numb. 

She wasn’t driving yet and was grateful that Octavia offered to drive her back, but there was something off about the way she greeted her. Clarke dismissed it as leftover tension from a fight they’d had about Bellamy before their last deployment. Once they got home though, she could tell something was off the minute she walked in the door. 

Jasper and Monty had offered to watch Madi while she was at this week’s session. For which she was grateful because neither she nor Madi felt comfortable enough to have a stranger around. 

But when Clarke pointed out to her that her friends _were_ strangers she’d given her an unimpressed look and said, “Yeah, right.” 

It wasn’t only the two of them who greeted her though. Instead, everyone was there. Including her dad. They all looked tentative, with somber expressions. There was only one thing that could make them all look at her like that. 

“You found my mom?” she asked. 

Her dad came over and led her to the couch and sat her down. “We did.”

“Okay,” she breathed out. “Just tell me.”

She looked to Bellamy, who came and sat by her other side. 

“She was living in a...House in Virginia,” he told her. 

“What kind of house?” Though she felt she already knew. 

Bellamy looked pained, so she glanced up at Murphy. He would give it to her straight, she knew. Maybe without finesse, but she didn’t need that right now. She needed the exact truth. 

“It was full of addicts. They were squatting. The place was a shithole.” That earned him a glare from Raven. “What? She asked okay, and I don’t see the point in handling her like she’s made of glass. I think she can take it.” All the same, he glanced at her, checking in. 

Instinctively, she reached out and grabbed Bellamy’s hand. The contact made her feel grounded. Not by much, but enough so that she felt present, to be able to accept Murphy’s words. 

“You’re right, I can,” she said. Swallowing thickly, she went on, “Has she—has she mentioned me? I mean, does she know that I’m...Alive?”

“She’s been in and out of it,” her dad explained. “But we told her. She’s going through withdrawal right now, so it might be best to wait a bit before—”

“No, I want to see her,” Clarke cut in. 

Whatever happened to her mother in the past six years, it was her fault, she felt. It never would’ve gotten this bad if she’d been here. Never would’ve gotten to this point if she hadn’t ‘died’. 

“Kiddo—” her dad started in again, but once more she stopped him.

“I know it’s bad. But I’ve seen worse, okay?” Her voice became a little strained. She looked at Bellamy, who was watching with quiet support. She could see it in his eyes, he wanted whatever she did. “I can handle it. But I _need_ to see her.” When no one spoke up, she went on, “She’s my mom.”

“If that’s really what you want,” Harper said. “Then, okay, let’s go see her.”

Clarke told them they didn’t have to, that she could do this with just her dad. 

But then Octavia jumped in, “If you’re going to see her how she is then you’re gonna need us. Trust me.”

Everyone seemed in agreement about that, and really, she knew better than to argue with Octavia when she had that look in her eyes. There was something more to her tone when she discussed Abby though. Something she wanted to ask about but promised herself she would later when it was just the two of them. 

Her friends’ warnings could have never prepared herself for the reality of meeting with her mom after so many years apart. 

“You can go in and see her,” the nurse explained. “I’ll take you to her.”

Everyone had to wait in a collection of uncomfortable chairs at the end of the hall. She had thought her dad would want to see her too, but he’d confided that her mother refused to let him into her room, even though he was the one that admitted her. Madi had insisted on coming, but Clarke had yet to explain to her how bad Abby was, just that her mom had gone through a lot while she was captive. She would stay with her dad while she talked to her mom. 

As she started to follow the nurse, she glanced back behind her. Harper gave her a soft smile, and she noticed she and Monty’s hands were clasped. Octavia was seated, Lincoln’s hand on her knee, her expression stony. Jasper gave Clarke a little thumbs-up, which made her chuckle a little. 

It was immediately swept out of her when she saw what had become of her mom, of the person she’d once thought to be the most put-together woman in the world. No matter how things had gotten bad between them with her parents’ divorce or her affair with Staff Sergeant Kane, she was still her mother. Someone she loved.

There were deep, dark purple bags until her eyes, which were wide as they took her in. Her hair was greasy and hanging her eyes. She tried to sweep it away with a bony hand, but it kept falling back into her face. Beyond thin, Clarke could see the veins in her hands. The hospital gown revealed how much her collarbones stuck out, the track marks on her arms. She tried for a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. In short, she looked like a stranger. Nothing at all like the woman Clarke had left behind. 

The nurse told them she’d leave them be, and said to let her know when she was leaving. 

“Hi, Mom.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. 

“ _Clarke_.”

That was all it took her to sink onto the bed and bring her mom into her arms. 

“I’m here,” she told her. “It’s really me.”

Her mom felt even thinner once she was truly holding her. She couldn’t help but think of the place she’d been found. A shithole. That’s what Murphy had said. She was shaking a little and released the hug. 

“Mom, what happened?” she asked.

She avoided answering, and instead focused on how happy she was to have her back, how things were going to be better now, how things could be _good_ again. 

“I know it, Clarke. I know I can be good again.” Abby gave a small smile. “I know that I can, now that I have you back.”

She smiled back at her, all teary-eyed. “Yeah?”

“Of course, baby.” She brushed a piece of hair behind Clarke’s ear. “I promise you, I’m going to be better, okay? No more of this.” She gestured to herself. “I believe in myself, and I know you believe in me too.”

Clarke nodded. “Of course, I do, Mom. So, what kind of rehab programs are you looking at?”

Her mom’s smile faltered a little at that, but it happened so quickly she almost didn’t notice. Abby said, “There’s a couple that the doctors are recommending. Why don’t you help me look at them in a couple of days, okay?”

She agreed. They talked some more. Mostly about little things. She told her about Madi, how much she loved her, how they were adjusting to their lives now that they were in Arkadia. They didn’t talk about Clarke too much though. The topic stayed on Abby, on what she had faced and felt and experienced while she had been assumed dead. Which she didn’t mind one bit. She was tired of talking about herself. Eventually, her mom was yawning so much she insisted on letting her rest, and they hugged each other tightly as they said goodbye. 

It didn’t occur to her that her mom hadn’t asked a single question about her time in captivity until she left the room, promising to be back in a few days before she went to rehab. Hadn’t even mentioned it at all, actually. But that must’ve just been because of the withdrawal. Because her mind was clouded with so much else. At least, that was what Clarke told herself. 

“You okay?” her dad asked when she came over to the group.

“Yeah,” she replied. “It was actually good.” Allowing herself a small smile, she went on, “I mean, I know she was in a really bad place but...She’s agreed to rehab and I promised she can stay with me once she gets out.”

No one responded to that for a moment. They all were shocked by her words. Stunned into a collective silence. 

“You can’t trust her, Clarke,” Raven warned. 

She prickled, feeling defensive, and crossed her arms over her chest. “She’s my mom, Raven. And she promised me. She’s going to get better. She told me she would.”

Raven shook her head. “I’m sorry, but she’s playing you.”

“ _Raven,_ ” Echo said, her voice on edge. 

“She isn’t,” Clarke insisted. “Okay, I know things were bad. I see that. But I’m back now and she swore to me she’s going to work the program this time. Do better.”

Octavia was staring intently at her feet. Glowering at them, more like. 

“What?” Clarke demanded.

“You think this is our first round with her?” Raven got out. “Try the _ninth_.”

Clarke blinked and she felt her breathing go unsteady. 

“Jesus,” Murphy said. “You couldn’t have delivered that a bit better?”

Bellamy was at her side, and she took a moment to get herself under control. 

She bit her lip before she managed a response. “I didn’t know that you all have been dealing with it that much. I thought...I don’t know what I thought.”

Her mind was whirling with what her friends had done for her mother, what they’d been pulled into because of her. She couldn’t even fathom it. None of it made sense.

“But,” she said before any of them could reply. “I’m here now, okay? And I believe in her. I understand if none of you do, but I’m not giving up, and I trust her.”

Raven gave Clarke such a sad look, tears in her eyes, that it startled her. “You shouldn’t.” 

And then she walked out. 

“I’m with Raven,” Octavia said. “You don’t know what it was like.”

She left too.

Echo started in then, “They’ve been through a lot with her. But they should still respect your choice. I’ll talk to them.” She went after their friends, muttering under her breath as she went. 

The rest of them sat in silence for a while until Clarke felt like she was withdrawing into herself. As if every second she became smaller and smaller. She looked up at Bellamy. 

“I can stay the night,” her dad offered, but she told him he had to get going if he was going to make it back to D.C. at a reasonable hour. So he kissed her on the forehead and left. 

“Will you take me home?” she asked, turning to Bellamy. 

He nodded. “Of course.”

* * *

Bellamy was watching Clarke, which wasn’t new, but he knew concern was all over his face. He did his best to hide it, but at some point, she’d turned to him and told him it was okay, she understood. Whether she meant it, he wasn’t sure. All he wanted was for her to know he was there for her, whatever it was that she needed.

Madi had a million questions about Abby that Clarke dismissed, not without difficulty. Eventually, though, she picked up on it and stopped asking them, and agreed to go to bed. Though not without a story. The grateful look on Clarke’s face when he offered to tell one to her was immeasurable, and it broke him a little. 

“Clarke says yours are better anyway,” Madi told him, which made him smile that she thought so. 

He told her the story of Artemis and Apollo, a briefer version and one appropriate for a twelve-year-old, but she took to it immediately. 

“Artemis sounds like a badass.”

He grinned. “Oh, yeah, she’s definitely a complete badass.”

With Madi taken care of, he went back downstairs to try and help Clarke. If she would let him.

She was staring intently into her tea. 

“You wanna know about it?” he asked. “What happened with your mom, I mean. More than just the overall details your dad told you.”

She looked up at him, and he could tell she’d been crying a little. “Is it wrong I don’t want to know? Not tonight, at least.”

He understood that. There were things he didn’t even know if he wanted to tell her about what he’d thought when she was gone. How easily it could’ve been any one of them that became like Abby. He wasn’t sure he wanted her to know how severely her death had fractured him. 

It hadn’t gone away after the first year nor the second. It hurt him every single day. Like a knife that just kept cutting deeper with each breath that he took, thinking she had already taken her last. If she knew the extent to which he punished himself, and how much he’d been hurting up until the moment he’d been told she was alive, she would feel so much guilt. He didn’t want that for her. So, he kept it to himself. 

They stayed up and talked about other things. Avoiding anything too painful. He felt her skirt around certain topics, and he let her. 

She went on about how she and Madi had spent their days. Often, with Clarke drawing and Madi trying to get one more story out of her until she was exhausted. That made him laugh, and she smiled, fond, as she talked about how they’d struggled to get to know one another at first. 

He told her what he and the rest of the squad had done with their lives once they were no longer deployed. Not just the basics, but the day-to-day. No longer surviving firefights and doing recon missions. He told her that it’d been hard for them to adjust to peace. Sometimes he’d wondered if he wasn’t built for it. He had even toyed with the idea of signing up for another tour. But then Octavia had gotten bad (he didn’t say how much or because in part of Abby) and he’d decided to stay and now didn’t regret it in the least. 

There were also words he hadn’t said before, really, to anyone. Deep down, he knew the only person he was able to say them too was her. He could’ve talked to her forever, but when she stifled a second yawn, he knew he couldn’t keep her up just because he still couldn’t believe she was here. 

“You should get some rest,” he told her, standing to wash out their mugs. 

She hesitated for a moment before she replied, “I won’t.”

He turned to her, confused. “What do you mean?”

She muttered an, “okay,” to herself before she continued. “I mean I’m so afraid to sleep, Bellamy.” She wasn’t looking at him so he went over and sat back down beside her. She glanced up. “I haven’t been letting myself because of what happened before. What keeps happening. They’re not always the same nightmare but it doesn’t matter.” Her breathing was uneven and he placed a hand on her cheek which she leaned into. “It’s so _hard_ and I can’t—”

“I’ll stay,” he said, without even thinking about it. “If you want, that is,” he added. 

He didn’t want to push, but if she wanted him there, then he didn’t even have to think about whether or not he would be.

“You will?” Her voice held just a touch of awe, and he nodded quickly. 

“Yeah, that way, if it happens. I’ll be here. You need to sleep, okay?”

She seemed to mull over his words for a moment. “Okay,” she agreed. “But only if you want to.”

“I do.”

Again, that look of awe overtook her features, and it was so much in one expression, he felt himself blush a little under it. Her lips quirked up, and his hopes that she hadn’t noticed were dashed. 

“Alright.” She let out a breath. “I apologize in advance if I wake you. It hasn’t been as bad as that first night, but...I’m lucky Madi can sleep through almost anything.”

As she went to go upstairs, he went over to the couch, toeing off his boots and tossing the pillows to one side. 

“What’re you doing?”

He paused and looked at where she’d stopped halfway up the stairs. She was chewing on her lip and he replied, “Well, I thought…” Then it occurred to him. “ _Oh_. You meant—”

“You don’t have to,” she said hurriedly. “It’s my fault for assuming that you were offering to—”

“I didn’t know you wanted me to be that close,” he confessed.

It was her turn to blush. 

“I mean, I thought it might be easier for me to fall asleep if you were next to me. I don’t know. Forget it. I’m sorry for misinterpreting.” 

She shook her head and looked away from him. Then she went to keep going upstairs. His hesitation in offering to sleep with her was brief. He only had so much control, after all. And even though he _knew_ it would only make it harder to bite his tongue when it came to telling her how he felt about her, he couldn’t deny her anything she thought would help her. 

“I will,” he told her. She looked back at him and he licked his lips self-consciously. “If you still want me to, I’ll sleep with you.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, you know...Next to you.”

“You don’t have to—” she started, but he could tell she wanted to agree, she just didn’t think she was allowed to ask for it.

“I don’t feel like I do,” he replied. “I want to, Clarke. I want to be there for you. If I can help you get some sleep, then I’ll do anything, alright?”

He needed her to know that she was allowed to ask for anything from him. Maybe that was an idiotic thing to offer, something that he couldn’t yet put into words. It would mean too much, too quickly. She wasn’t yet ready for that, he knew. He couldn’t ask her to be ready for it either. As much as he knew he was still in love with her, he also knew that all he wanted was for her to feel safe, for her to settle into her new life here with them. Even if he never got to tell her, it would be alright, because she was in his life again. That was enough for him. 

She nodded, and inclined her head, smiling a little. He followed her upstairs and into her bedroom. The bed was half-made and there were clothes scattered around. It felt lived in. It felt like her. 

She tossed him a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. 

“Hope you don’t mind my dad’s stuff,” she told him, laughing a bit. 

“It is Navy shit?” he asked, wrinkling his nose. 

“Ha. Nope. Notre Dame.”

“I guess I can work with that,” he said. 

While he changed in the bathroom, she changed in her bedroom. When they were deployed none of them had had much privacy, but they savored it once they were back home. He went back into the bedroom, and she was already in on the left side. 

“I have scars on my back,” she said as he got in on the other side. 

“Okay,” he replied. 

She was in a t-shirt so he couldn’t even see them, but if she needed to tell him, then he’d listen. 

“I’m not ready to talk about how I got them yet,” she explained. “Nut I was hoping…” She took a breath. “I was kind of hoping you would hold me?”

He tried to not blurt out a reply before she even got the words out, his heart beating a little rapidly. The fact that she trusted him this much was something he felt certain of when it came to war, but it had even more of an effect when he realized she maybe did as much during peace. 

“Of course, I will.”

“Thank you,” she said. “I figured you might feel them and I didn’t want you to be confused.”

He nodded but couldn’t help but tell her, “I wouldn’t have asked, Clarke. Not if you didn’t want to talk about it.”

She smiled a little sadly. “I know that.” She yawned again and her smile almost turned into a full one. “Can we go to sleep now?”

Once he was fully in bed, she didn’t even hesitate before moving over and fitting herself against his side. 

“You can touch me, you know,” she said. 

“Tell me if any of it is too much, alright?”

She nodded while she placed her head on his chest. He wrapped a hand around her waist and brought her closer. At the angle they were at, his arm was definitely going to fall asleep, but her breathing was already evening out and he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

“I get nightmares too,” he admitted when he thought she was asleep.

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “I’m here for you.”

With the smell of her hair and her warmth pressed against him, he drifted off into sleep. 

She woke up only once, gasping for air a bit sometime around three AM. He smoothed her hair out of her face and helped her breathe. He rubbed circles on her back, feeling the outline of the scars she had told him about. They were long and he swallowed down his rage at both whoever had hurt her and himself for leaving her there to be hurt in the first place. Eventually, they both fell asleep again.

Though he had been out of the military for years, he still woke up early every morning. Normally, he’d go for a jog or the gym with Miller before heading to the bar. This morning though, he carefully got out of Clarke’s bed, sure not to disturb her. 

Then he raided her fridge for breakfast ingredients. Her dad had insisted she stock up on almost everything before he’d left the previous week, so he had a lot to work with. He was just finishing the first round of chocolate chip pancakes and had a full stack of bacon keeping warm until a plate when Madi came practically bouncing down the stairs. 

“Holy shit that smells awesome.”

He raised a brow, “Clarke let you talk like that?”

She rolled her eyes and replied in a mocking tone, “Holy moly that smells awesome.”

“Smartass,” he replied.

She grinned and hopped up on one of the stools that were next to one end of the kitchen counter. “Does Clarke let _you_ talk like that?”

He gave her an unimpressed look and she almost cackled. 

“You like syrup?” he asked.

“Wouldn’t know. Never had it,” she said, and he cursed himself for being an idiot. “Don’t feel bad,” she jumped in. “And I’d like to try it.”

It turned out Madi did love syrup. Specifically in a vat. Or an I.V.

She was digging into her second round of pancakes when Clarke came down. She had an adorable bedhead and he tried not to stare. He was pretty sure Madi noticed by the look she gave him. 

“What time is it?”

“Ten,” Madi told her. “New record. Usually, you’re awake at like four.”

“It’s not always four,” she defended, turning to him.

He shrugged. “I was up at six.”

Madi grimaced. “Morning people.”

That made both of them laugh. 

“Smells good,” Clarke said. 

“Figured if I was here might as well make sure you two didn’t starve,” he replied.

Madi grinned and Clarke scoffed. 

“I’m not that bad.”

“Of course you’re not,” Madi allowed but she shot Bellamy a smirk while Clarke got a mug down for her coffee. “Maybe you should make sure we keep not starving,” she commented as if the suggestion was nothing. “Clarke hasn’t slept so well since we’ve been back.”

He frowned and glanced at Clarke, but she didn’t seem at all appalled by the statement. In fact, he thought she might’ve actually been _considering_ it. 

After a moment, she asked, “What do you say? Wanna move in?” 

She paused. “Only if you want to, but Octavia mentioned in passing that you hate your place but can’t get out of the lease. My dad’s taking care of this place so you wouldn’t have to pay rent, and you could sublet yours.” She got a little nervous and drummed her fingers against her mug. “But if you think it’s a bad idea…”

He glanced at Madi who nodded enthusiastically. “It would be fun. Plus, Clarke says you know how to surf. You can teach me.”

With both of them wanting him to, he was helpless to say no.

“I’d love to,” he said.

Clarke grinned and Madi looked at her and brightened at the sheer happiness on her face. If he could get her to have that kind of smile on her face every day, then he would be the most grateful man alive. Maybe then, he could escape the weight of the guilt he felt for leaving her behind and dooming her to so much pain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	5. You Will See it Clearly (Give it Some Time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter five!! this one is much lighter than the previous ones in my opinion and features a day of happiness and possibility for Clarke and Madi. 
> 
> thank you so much for the lovely feedback I've received thus far, it really means so much more than I can ever say. 
> 
> *chapter title from 'Takes So Much' by Waxahatchee*
> 
> please take care of yourself and each other. sending love 💖

Bellamy experienced a variety of days since Clarke came back from the dead, but the first _good_ one, the first that made everyone feel light and full of possibility, was about two weeks after he moved in. 

It started much like any other, he woke up with Clarke in bed with him, This time, she was curled around him. He’d been the one with the endless nightmares last night. Which he felt guilty about. He was supposed to be there to comfort her, not the other way around. 

As they both stretched and blinked the sleep from their eyes, he couldn’t help the need to apologize. 

“Sorry about last night,” he said as she sat up a little in bed. 

He would never get over that she trusted him with this, to be so vulnerable with him. The fact that he had been the one to leave her to die and yet she still wanted him with her when she needed someone the most. A part of him still couldn’t believe it. 

“Why would you say that?” she asked.

He looked away from the concern on her face, unable to bear it. “Because I’m here for _you._ To help you with what you’ve been through and—”

“Bellamy,” she cut him off. “You’ve been through a lot too, you know? I was there for some of it, I remember. It’s okay for you to ask me to be there for you, too. That’s why we work.”

He managed a small smile. “I know that but—”

“No,” she said. “I won’t have you thinking you don’t deserve it or whatever you’ve thought up.” She grasped his hand in hers and moved a bit closer, though their legs were already half-tangled together. “We can help each other, okay? Otherwise, I would feel awful, having everything be on me all the time. It’d be more pressure than I think I can handle. That’s not what I want.” She tilted her head and gave him a tender look. “So if nothing else, do it for me, alright? But really, I don’t mind. I _want_ to be here for you.”

His heart stuttered at her words, aching with the love he felt for her. For the possibility that maybe, if she truly meant her words, a love she might return. Maybe one day, they could try. For now, though, he was satisfied with what they had. Even if it was all they ever would be, he knew he’d be happy. He wasn’t in the business of asking for more than one miracle in this life. Her coming back from the dead was certainly the only one he needed. 

“Alright,” he finally said. “As long as you swear it’s not hurting you or anything.”

“It isn’t,” she insisted. “It’s nice, that we have each other, isn’t it?” 

He hated the slight nerves in her tone, the questioning there. It was as if she wasn’t sure that they were still as they had been before. Like she worried that maybe they couldn’t be as close as they had been before their six years apart. Immediately, he wanted to soothe her that it couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

“Of course, it is. I just...I want to take care of you.”

She smiled, and it was everything.

“You already do. But…”

He felt tension come back into his body, but it was slowly eased when she added, “It wouldn’t hurt this whole taking care of me if we got started on breakfast.” 

A laugh bubbled up in his chest, and he agreed. Breakfast sounded good. 

Madi came down just as Clarke had finished brewing the coffee and Bellamy was flipping an omelet. 

“Bout time,” Clarke said.

Madi grumbled and took her usual seat. “Sorry that I have the ability to sleep normal people hours.”

“Me and Bellamy are trained to do it,” she defended. Then she turned to him, “I did figure you’d complain more about how I sleep.”

“You mean like a starfish?” Madi asked, grinning a little.

Clarke shot her look and Bellamy laughed. 

He told her, “Haven’t even noticed.”

Madi didn’t question him sleeping in Clarke’s room. He didn’t know what that said about what Clarke had told her during those six years, or what she thought about it. If Madi wanted, he’d talk to her about it, but if she really questioned or had a problem with it, she hadn’t voiced it yet. Instead, she seemed to almost _expect_ it. Which was more than worrisome and yet filled him with some kind of joy he was afraid to name. 

As they were cleaning up, Madi announced, “I know what I want to do today.”

Clarke had been trying to do something new with her every day. Sometimes it was just the two of them, and other times Bellamy or their other friends would join them. It made sure they got out of the house. While she didn’t say it, he suspected she needed it as much as Madi did. If only to become reacquainted with her home. 

“I want to make sure she gets everything I couldn’t give her before,” she’d confessed to him one night when neither one of them could fall asleep. 

“Clarke,” he’d replied. “You already give her so much. She knows that.”

“I know, but…” she’d trailed off. “There’s so much more to her world now. I want her to experience as much as she can.”

“Makes sense,” he’d said. “But I wonder if you just don’t want an excuse to eat copious amounts of junk food.”

That’d made her laugh, and he felt so much lighter than before for having helped some of her doubt. He’d started listing off the food she was probably dying for and she kicked him under the covers. As their laughter had died out, she’d tucked herself into his side, and finally drifted off for a couple of hours of sleep. 

“Oh yeah?” Clarke asked. “And what is that?”

“Zoo,” Madi replied. “I want to see a penguin.”

She gave Bellamy a slight smile before turning back to her daughter. 

“Alright,” she agreed. “Zoo it is.”

“And,” Madi added, “can everyone else come too?”

“Everyone?” Clarke asked, amused. 

Madi rolled her eyes. “Yes, everyone.” She grinned at Bellamy. “Even you.”

“I’d be honored to see the penguins,” he told her, and her smile grew even wider. 

“Now,” she said, all-business. “Call everyone else while I get ready.”

“Madi,” Clarke warned.

“Fine,” Madi allowed. “ _Please,_ can you call everyone and tell them to come while I get ready?”

Clarke smiled, though he could tell she was trying to hold it back. He knew she didn’t want to encourage Madi expecting everyone to hang out with them all the time. But he wasn’t sure she should’ve bothered. They were all too happy to.

“That’s more like it. And I’ll ask everyone, but it is a Saturday. They could have other plans.”

Madi actually snorted at that and looked at her as if she was kidding. “It’s us, Clarke. They’re gonna all show. Believe me.”

To her credit, she was right. It took little effort to get everyone to agree to come to the zoo with them. Clarke told them they’d meet them all there and chewed on her lip, contemplating something. When a look of worry washed over her features, he tilted his head to the side and caught her eye. 

“Everything okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s great, actually.” 

He frowned, something was clearly the matter. “Then what’s wrong?”

She looked like she might dismiss it for a moment, before relenting and telling him, “It feels _too_ good. I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not,” he argued. “Not at all.”

“I’m terrified I’m going to lose it or something. That it will go wrong somehow. Blow up in my face, the way it always seems to.” She let out a breath. “I’m waiting for it to go to hell.”

He rubbed her arm a bit before replying, “I know it’s easy to think like that. After our deployment, it was expecting one thing after another to go to shit. But we’re not over there anymore. You’re not. So, as much as it feels impossible, you have to try to trust that it won’t.”

She didn’t look wholly convinced, but she attempted to smile a bit and shook her head. “You always know what to say. How do you do it? Is there a secret guidebook I haven’t read?”

He couldn’t stop himself from grinning at that. “No guidebook. Can’t copy this pure skill at reassurance.”

At that, she rolled her eyes, but her smile was bigger now. It reached her eyes. He chased the feeling of her happiness because a part of him knew it was fleeting. There would probably be more times for sadness than for joy. But god, if he wasn’t going to try his absolute damnedest to make her smile, to make her feel anything that helped lighten the burden placed upon her shoulders. If it was the only thing he accomplished in this life, he’d be happy.

After a moment, she turned serious once more. “You really think it’s that easy?” she wondered.

“I do,” he said. “And not just because I think it’ll make you feel better. I really do believe it.” 

He tried to make his words as earnest as possible and crushed down the little doubt he had for them. Of course, he knew there would be challenges ahead, but he also wanted her to be able to enjoy her life again without concern. To not expect it all to come crashing down around her. 

She seemed to let herself believe it more than before. Leaning against him a little, a silent request, it took no thought at all to wrap his arms around her. She nuzzled her head into his shoulder and he prayed his heart wasn’t beating as fast as he thought it was. They stayed like that for a while, neither one of them saying anything.

“Eh-hem,” Madi said, descending down the stairs. 

The two of them broke apart and Bellamy felt the tops of his ears go red. Not that they had even been doing anything. It was just a hug. They’d done that loads of times before. 

“So?” she asked. “Is everyone coming?”

Clarke managed a nod in response. 

Madi grinned and said, “Knew it. Now,” she went on. “Unless I was interrupting anything, you guys should get ready so we can go.”

“Interrupting what?” Clarke feigned innocence. 

This only made Madi roll her eyes. He didn’t have the guts to say anything at all. It was too risky and she seemed far too intuitive for her age. If he did say something, she could detect just how much he cared for Clarke. The her knowing part he could’ve dealt with, but the teasing that would probably go along with it? Murder. 

The zoo, which was nearly an hour away in the nearest city, was busy, full of families and tourists. Bellamy worried that it was asking too much of Clarke, to be around that many people. Her face had been on the news for a week straight when she came back. He knew it was unlikely that anyone would come up to her, but still. He worried. 

Things between Clarke and Octavia and Raven were a little uncomfortable in light of what happened with Abby. There were still questions there for Clarke and unspoken hurt for the other two women. Still, she had gone to see her mom before she checked into rehab, and told them all she was hopeful. 

Octavia had only said, “I’m glad. I hope it works out.”

Raven’s mouth twisted into a grimace, but Echo jabbed her with her elbow and she told her, “Me too.”

Even though he knew for sure they didn’t mean their words, Clarke appreciated the sentiment, he could tell. 

“I’m fine,” she assured him as they wandered through the reptile exhibit, Madi’s face practically glued to the glass where there were vibrant poisonous frogs. 

“I know you are,” he replied. “But just because I said all that stuff earlier I don’t want you to think that you have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I’m not.” She swallowed and brightened. “In fact, I feel good, okay? So, let’s just enjoy it.”

He returned the smile she gave him and nodded. It didn’t stop the flow of concern, but it made him realize that he couldn’t constantly be expecting things to go wrong either. As much his words had helped her, he needed to follow his own advice. 

“Hey, Clarke?” Madi called as she turned to them.

“No,” Clarke immediately replied. 

“But—”

“We are _not_ getting a deadly poisonous frog.”

“Oh come on, Clarke,” Jasper said, he was grinning. 

“Yeah, Clarke,” Monty added, pleading. “It’d be pretty cool.”

Harper jumped in, “Monty, you’re not getting one either.”

He deflated a little, dramatically blowing out a breath. “I suppose I could settle for a python,” which only made Harper roll her eyes and smile fondly. 

Madi looked at Clarke at that, eyebrows up, and she shook her head. “No pythons.”

She sighed and then turned to Bellamy, “Will you get me one?”

“And go against what Clarke says?” He snorted. 

“But is she really the boss of you?” Madi asked. 

It was definitely a trick, but as he went to answer, Murphy cut in before he could, “Oh, she definitely is.”

Luckily, Raven saved him from having to respond to that, because she added, “Let’s be honest, she _and_ Bellamy are the bosses of all of us.”

Clarke laughed, apparently far more delighted with the conversation that he was. If she sensed his nerves or anxiety that he was being far too obvious in front of her, she didn’t show it. 

“It’s nice we have our other boss back,” Echo said. “I was worried Bellamy’s hair was going to go grey before he turned thirty.”

“And the permanent wrinkles in his forehead,” Emori added helpfully. “I was starting to think we may be able to store stuff in them.”

“You all are hilarious,” he said. 

“We know,” Miller replied without missing a beat.

When he turned to roll his eyes at Clarke, he saw that she was still grinning, holding in a laugh. The teasing didn’t seem so bad then, barely even annoying, really. 

When they got to the Big Cats Exhibit, Madi grabbed his hand and pulled him forward. 

“You’ve been talking to Clarke, like, the _entire_ time,” she said. “I wanna hear more stories about you guys. Outside of what Clarke says.” At that, Madi shot her a knowing grin, which made Clarke blush a little. Or was it just his mind playing a trick on him, showing him what he wanted to see? He didn’t have time to dwell on it though, because Madi was tugging on his arm insistently. “And Octavia, you should tell me everything that Bellamy won’t.”

That made his sister chuckle, and while he knew there were things neither one of them would talk about, she agreed, catching up to them as they walked to the lion section. He glanced back at Clarke and she nodded encouragingly. She looked happier than he’d seen since she’d come back. He hadn’t anticipated how much of an impact it would have, but he felt breathless just staring at her. He had to force himself to look away, only to be met by Madi’s smirking face, too. 

* * *

Clarke watched as Bellamy, Madi, Octavia, and Lincoln walked ahead. When she’d come home, she’d worried how the group would react to Madi, to the person she was now in part because she loved the girl so much. It was nice to see that they seemed to take to her even quicker than she had. Especially Bellamy, she thought. Even if that was a part of her that she wasn’t yet ready to face. 

She hadn’t gotten a chance to really know Lincoln yet, but she liked the changes he brought out in Octavia. He seemed to dull her fire a bit, but not in a bad way, more as a way of keeping it from burning herself. Or anyone else, too. It was nice that her friends had people, that their lives were all full. That had been something she’d thought of a lot over the past years, whether they were okay. If they were happy. 

It felt good, to know that they were. But she could see it in the way they carried themselves. In the topics that they avoided discussing. Her death had impacted every one of them. They’d struggled to come back, too. 

“The kid is good,” Murphy commented. 

“Huh?” Clarke asked, brow furrowing.

Emori smirked. “Nothing….She’s got a real spunk to her though.”

She felt herself smile, and it struck her that it was getting easier and easier, each time. “You should’ve seen her when we first met.”

“That bad?” Murphy grinned.

Clarke raised a brow. “Worse.”

Emori laughed a little and then sobered. “It’s good, that you had someone.” 

Clarke felt herself stiffen, the topic getting too dangerous to who she’d been before her captors had put her with Madi. When she thought she was all alone. It wasn’t something she had even told Bellamy yet. Wasn’t sure if she would ever have the strength to. 

“I know,” she said, trying to keep her voice even. 

She glanced around and saw that Raven and Echo were laughing at something Jasper was saying. Miller and Jackson were holding hands, reading the placards on the different enclosures. Monty joined in with whatever Jasper was joking about, and Harper was grinning, shaking her head, but clearly entertained. Then, Clarke caught Raven’s eye and she looked guilty before diverting her attention back to Jasper and Monty. No one else would look over at her, Emori, and Murphy.

Goddamnit. Those traitors. This was totally a set-up. 

“Seriously?” she asked the two before her. 

Emori chewed on her lip, but Murphy boldly said, “You know you have to talk about it. And we have to tell you stuff, too.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. 

“Stuff Bellamy can’t tell you,” Emori added. 

“And why is that?” She sounded petulant, but she didn’t care. And she didn’t get why Bellamy wouldn’t tell her something if it was that important. 

They exchanged a glance, and Clarke went on, “Because if he doesn’t want you saying it then I’m not sure it’s your right to tell me.”

“Maybe,” Murphy allowed. “But we also know there’s stuff you aren’t telling him either. Even with the ridiculous _arrangement_ you two have going.”

She flushed a little at that. She didn’t realize that word had spread that they were sharing a bed. Then she sighed. Madi. Of course. 

Emori chastised him before she could start tearing into him though. “ _John._ I thought we were going for subtly, remember?”

“Yeah, maybe, until I remembered subtly will never work with Clarke,” he replied. 

She wanted to argue that, but he knew she knew he had a point. There wasn’t much in their history that would’ve allowed her to disagree. 

Still, she shot back, “Dick.”

He smirked. “I know. But I also know there’s shit you can tell us. Stuff you may not be able to tell Bellamy because I’m guessing you know how guilty he feels about leaving you. How that’s weighed him down for six years. So, you can lay it on us. That way, you two don’t have to add to the self-loathing pile that you've already got going.”

She hadn’t known all of what Murphy explained to her even though he thought she did. Maybe some piece of her knew Bellamy would blame himself. It was just who he was. But she didn’t know the extent of it. That leaving her had been one more thing he had to hoist on his shoulders. She felt awful she hadn’t noticed yet, but it was there, in everything he’d done since she’d come back. 

“I don’t need to,” she insisted. 

“That’s the thing,” Emori said. “We don’t mind if you don’t need to. But we think you may _want_ to.”

“We also think you’re repressing the hell out of your shit,” Murphy cut in.

Emori buried her face in her hand. 

Clarke mulled their words over, and before Emori could try to apologize for Murphy’s words, she said, “You might be a little bit right.”

Murphy raised both of his brows at that. “You don’t say?” She glared at him. “Fine, fine,” he continued. “We’ll take a little bit right at this point in time.”

They started walking again, and she saw Octavia throw back her head and laugh at something Madi said, which made her light up. Emori and Murphy didn’t say anything for a bit. Clarke thought over what she wanted to say, where to even begin. 

“It was hell, in the beginning,” she decided to start. “It was bad. I was a mess. I think after everything, I felt like I was done. A piece of me wanted to be done.” Images flashed in her mind. A gun. A choice. The click of the chamber. 

Emori nodded and Murphy met her stare with a non-judging one of his own. She knew they were letting her say what she had to, and then they would speak. But not until she was ready for them too. It gave her a bit of confidence she needed to keep going. 

“And then they put me and Madi together, and it was like a miracle. I mean, she hated me at first. But we got over it.” Her voice wavered and she paused her walking, turning to them. “They used how much I loved her against us at times.”

If they were shocked by her words, they didn’t look it. Then again, they’d seen so many things while deployed. What was a little extra trauma?

“I don’t think I’m ready to say in what ways exactly, but…” She paused and gestured to the scars on her face. “I guess it speaks for itself, doesn’t it?”

“Clarke—” Emori started to say, but she interrupted her. 

“I don’t want pity. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty about what they did to me. I know that Bellamy will blame himself even more if I tell him what happened. I know you guys do too, but it’s different with him.” She couldn’t let herself think about why that was, not right now, at least. 

“I wasn’t gonna pity you,” Emori said. “I was just...It makes me wanna kill them, you know? Because you saved my life and then _this shit_? But I know you might think we moved on, Clarke. But we didn’t. Not really. We couldn’t have, you matter way too much to us.”

Murphy added, “Not to mention Bellamy mentioned you and your last grand sacrifice like every day.”

She couldn’t help it, she smiled a little at that. “I’m sure that was loads of fun.”

“Oh yeah,” Emori said, dry. “It was a real party without you.”

“We know what we went through without you will never measure up to what you did,” Murphy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “But it was harder than anything we ever did while deployed, living without you. Which is why…” he trailed off. “Why you gotta know we won’t survive losing you again. _Bellamy_ won’t survive it.”

She was stunned by his words because while she knew they’d missed her, she didn’t know how much they’d realized they needed her. Within days of her capture, she’d known how much she needed _them_ but she couldn’t be sure that the feeling was mutual so many years later. Clarke thought they had become a sort of family, but now she knew it wasn’t ‘sort of.’ They needed each other. They needed her. It was simultaneously heartbreaking and everything she needed to hear. 

There was an underlying message to Murphy’s words though, one she didn’t want to have to confront but knew she’d have to. Her first words to them, after all, had nearly said it. Even if things got worse, which she hoped they wouldn’t but her life rarely went the way she hoped, she couldn’t do _that._ For Madi, she knew she could be strong. For all of her friends, too. 

But really, she understood what Murphy was saying: Bellamy might’ve been putting on a brave face for her and everyone else, wanting to be there for her in any way she needed. But her death had almost broken him. 

“Okay,” she told them. “I’ll do my best, alright? I’m not in the business of saying that I won’t because, well, none of us can make those kinds of assurances.”

“I know,” Emori said.

“Me too.” Murphy nodded. 

She breathed out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in. “But if there’s anything that I manage to do with this new chance then it’s to make sure Bellamy, make sure all of you, don’t feel like that again for a long, long time.”

Murphy teared up a little, sniffing a lot to pretend like he wasn’t, and Emori took a sharp inhale. Clarke wanted to say more, to thank them. Or just express how happy she was to have them in her life, but then Madi was by her side. 

“You’re incredibly slow, did anyone tell you that?” she asked the three of them. “You didn’t even get past the leopard.”

Murphy shook his head, but he was grinning. “Yeah, well, you’re lower to the ground, you can move quicker.”

Madi explained that Octavia and Lincoln were still looking at the tigers. Like it was an impossible offense she couldn’t comprehend. 

Then Bellamy came over and said, “I think she’s just anxious to see the penguins.”

“I’m betting they’re gonna be my favorite,” she said. “No offense to Octavia and her obsession with anything with huge teeth and claws.”

“Are you actually disagreeing with your favorite about something?” Clarke asked, amused.

Madi matched her look. “I don’t see why I can’t. You disagree with Bellamy all the time.”

Murphy started choking on nothing at that and she shot him a cold look.

“So,” she said, avoiding looking at Bellamy for fear that she’d blush even more than she already was. “Penguins!”

It turned out Madi was right. They were her favorite. She loved their names, all of them some kind of pun that Clarke laughed at way too much and earned an eye roll or two from her friends. The way the waddled and then were so graceful in the water, and apparently Madi had done her research before today because she knew random facts about them. Most of which she spouted off at a rapid-fire pace to Octavia and Raven. 

Clarke and Bellamy were smirking at Raven’s reaction to the latest fact that some penguins could grow to an average for forty-seven inches tall. For her first weeks back, everything felt so heavy, tense. As if it could all fall apart without her even noticing what was happening until it was too late. When she was looking at Bellamy and giggling like a little kid though, she felt if not entirely hopeful, then some glimmer of it. Like a spark. That maybe, just maybe, her life was going to be okay. 

“Hey Bellamy,” Madi said. “Wanna hear my favorite fact about penguins.”

“Give it to me,” he replied.

She grinned, flashing her eyes between the two of them, a little too pleased with herself, Clarke thought. 

She was confused for a moment, but then Madi told him, “Did you know penguins mate for life?” She turned back to the enclosure and watched as the flightless birds dipped in and out of the water. “They can be separated by hundreds of miles, for _years_ , but they always manage to find one another.” Madi looked at them over her shoulder. Clarke didn’t even want to think about the expression she was wearing and was terrified by what one Bellamy had. “Isn’t that cool?”

Finally, she risked a glance at him. He was already looking at her. His eyes were endless and dark and beautiful and shone with so much joy that she laughed, a little nervously. What was she supposed to say to _that_? God, she was going to have to talk to Madi about the art of not being so incredibly obvious. 

He did eventually tear his eyes away from her, and when he spoke, she nearly missed the slight tremor in his voice, “Yeah, that’s pretty damn cool.” 

Then Madi put her on the spot because, of course, she did. “What about you Clarke?”

It took her a moment, but she finally managed, “Bellamy’s right, duh.”

Madi’s look of triumph made Clarke laugh again and this time, she let herself lean ever so slightly closer to Bellamy. Maybe they weren’t penguins, but as she looked at her friends and their strange little family that had come back together, she thought, _Hell, we might be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	6. The Heaviness in My Heart Belongs to Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the lovely response I've received for this story thus far (for the second time around haha). it really means so much that people are enjoying it. I hope you continue to. 
> 
> this chapter features some jealousy but ends on a high note imho
> 
> sending all my love 💖💜💙
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Pluto' by Sleeping At Last*

Once a week, on Fridays, Bellamy went to therapy. His therapist was a no-nonsense woman named Indra who reminded him of his time in the military. On the rare occasion when she’d offered information about herself, he’d found out she had indeed served, and that she had a daughter named Gaia.

When he’d first come back after his last tour, he’d told himself he didn’t need therapy. Rather, he focused on taking care of his friends. On Jasper’s own mental health and the scars that Monty bore now both physically and in his brilliant mind. In the guilt that Raven seemed to carry around like it was a second skin. How Miller now slept with the lights on and Echo never truly relaxed. 

All of his friends had been affected by their last tour in ways they couldn’t have imagined, but it wasn’t until about a year in that Raven finally broke and told him he needed to take care of himself. 

He’d been shocked, honestly, when she slammed down her beer and told him outright, “Octavia’s found you a good therapist. I’m not your parent, so I’m not gonna tell you that you have to go, but I think you should. You’ve got an appointment this week.”

Immediately, he protested it. “Raven, I appreciate you and O looking out for me but I don’t need—”

She held up a hand to silence him. “That’s the issue. If I really thought you didn’t need it, I wouldn’t have gone along with doing this behind your back. But the thing is...You’ve spent the past year watching out for everyone else, making sure they’re okay. I think it’s your turn. I mean…” She cleared her throat. “You talk about Clarke all the time, but you never...You never talk about what happened to her.” She smiled a little sadly. “Unless it’s to remind us that she didn’t die so we could be idiots. So, don’t be an idiot.”

Even though her words resonated, there was still a part of him that resisted. That didn’t want to admit that he needed support, too. That he was just as much of a mess as he’d been the day he’d left Clarke behind to die. 

“I don’t know…” he trailed off.

“Just think about it, okay?” she asked. 

He took a moment, but eventually, he nodded. 

And when Friday had come along, he went and found that he didn’t hate it, even if talking about himself that much was a little uncomfortable. It helped in the smallest ways, but he knew it did help. So, he kept going. 

Indra didn’t write anything down during their sessions, which made him relax a bit more. Instead, she just listened. Usually, with a straight face that gave little away to what she was thinking. 

“Clarke’s still having nightmares, but they’re getting better I think and—”

“Bellamy,” Indra said.

“Shit,” he let out. “I’m doing the whole ‘not talking about myself thing again’ I guess, huh?” She gave him a slight nod. “Sorry,” he added. 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” she reminded him, for probably the thousandth time. “But this time is for you to reflect and talk about things for yourself. If you want to talk about your friends that’s fine but…”

“It’s just easier,” he admitted. “To worry about them. To ignore my own stuff, I think.” Indra didn’t say anything to that, but he kept going. “I know that it stems from my childhood and all that but...I just wish I didn’t have to think about myself sometimes. But Clarke doesn’t really let that happen.”

“And why is that?” she asked. “What’s different about her?”

That was one hell of a question, one he wasn’t sure he had a satisfying answer to. Because everything was different about Clarke. 

“A lot,” he allowed himself to say, not wanting to admit fully what it meant, the reason for why she was so special. Not when she was still adjusting to being back and all he wanted was to be there for her. “She…” He sighed. “Even though she’s the one that’s been through six years of captivity and hell and loneliness and god knows what else, she wants to take care of me.”

“And you don’t like that?” Indra questioned.

He shook his head. “It isn’t that, but I guess.” He looked down at his hands, which had knotted themselves together. “I guess I feel like I don’t deserve it.”

What was great about Indra is she didn’t say anything overly swarmy or cliché to this. Rather, she let him sit with it until he was ready to move on or discuss it. Her being who she was might’ve been the main reason he hadn’t quit therapy yet. It made it okay to talk about things, even if he felt he didn’t really need to or that his problems weren’t as important as others. Her reactions mattered though and made it easier to let himself at least reflect on what he’d been through during his tours. 

Eventually, he found the words to continue. “I know that sounds like bullshit, and if one of my friends said that to me then, well, I’d tell them they were dead wrong. Of course, they deserved to be taken care of.”

Indra leaned forward a little, not in a demanding way, just to let him know she was listening. “But?”

“My whole life I took care of my little sister, you know? And then I join the army and take on a leadership role there, too. Hell, you become a family over there, you know what it’s like.” She nodded slightly. “So it’s like...I can’t falter. I can’t need help. I have to be the strong one.”

There was a pause when he thought he’d go on, but Indra had one of her rare interjections. “But do you think that Clarke could be someone you don’t always have to be the strong one with? Before, when you didn’t know she was alive, you described her like a partner, someone you could rely on.”

“Yeah,” he said, that much, he was okay with speaking about. “Yes, she is.”

“And you’ve already told me that she wants to be there for you.” He swallowed and went to cut in, but she kept going before he could. “So, Bellamy, why don’t we try something, alright?”

He frowned a little. “What?”

She cracked the smallest of smiles. “Nothing too painful, I promise.”

“Okay, I’ll play along,” he decided. 

“How about you let Clarke be there for you, how about you open up to her, too, while letting her lean on you.”

He started to argue against it. “I can’t. She deserves all of it to be on her right now and I don’t want to take away from what she’s been through and—”

Indra held up a hand to silence him, which she’d never done before. “I just want you to try this, okay? Clarke sounds like she’s strong, and she wants to help you. So…” She stared him down, daring him to go against her again. He liked her, but he knew she could be kind of scary sometimes. “Let her. Just for a week. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll talk about trying something else, alright?”

He nodded reluctantly and heaved a sigh. “Alright. I’ll try.”

That night was Clarke’s first one ‘out’ since she’d come home. It would be at Sanctum, so he and Miller could take care of anyone that bothered Clarke. While the major networks had moved on to the next, more exciting story, she was still news-worthy in some respects. But she’d told them she wanted to do this, and that Madi wanted her, too. 

Jake was there for the weekend and would spend the night watching Madi, who Clarke had told Bellamy a couple of nights before was getting more and more excited by the prospect of school and people her own age. She was pushing boundaries Clarke hadn’t meant to set but were there as a result of the six years they’d spent together. While no one blamed Madi, they all sensed the anxiety it caused Clarke and wanted to be there as much as they could. 

“Moscow Mules still exist, right?” Clarke joked as they got a booth near the back.

“What would you do if they didn’t? Didn’t think that one through, did you?” Emori asked, but she grinned when Clarke rolled her eyes. “But yeah, they do. First rounds on Murphy.”

Murphy groaned and shot her a dirty look, but he got up and went to place their order. 

The night went well, with the only bad spot being when a waitress dropped a whole tray of drinks, sending glass crashing to the floor. A couple of his friends winced or tensed a little, but Clarke reached under the table and grabbed his hand in hers. 

“You wanna leave?” he asked, giving her hand a light squeeze. 

She took a moment to reply. “No. I think I’m okay.”

He nodded. “Just say the word, alright?”

Offering a small smile, she tightened her grip before she released his hand. “I think it’s gonna be fine, but thanks.”

They were finishing off their lastest round when Bellamy thought the night was going to be completely derailed. 

“ _Clarke Griffin_?” a voice asked, mostly in disbelief, from behind him. 

He tensed, ready to tell whoever it was to fuck off, but when he turned, he saw a stunned Finn Collins. 

Like the rest of them, they’d met Finn in Basic, but he’d left the military before they were ever deployed. His discharge hadn’t been dishonorable, but there was a certain stink to it that Bellamy didn’t care for. More than that, he and Raven had been together while he’d pursued and briefly dated Clarke. The only reason they found out was because of Raven’s transfer to their squad. It had hurt Clarke more than she’d let on, and the whole mess had been a painful ordeal that had taken some time for Raven and Clarke to heal from. Even though they’d both chosen to forgive Finn in the end, that didn’t mean that Bellamy did. 

And he had no idea what his presence would do _now._

“Finn!” Raven greeted, and went out and gave him a brief hug. He grinned at her before turning his attention back to Clarke

Bellamy looked at Clarke out of the corner of his eye. She didn’t seem nervous though, or like she needed help, so, he’d let her deal with this how she wanted. 

“Hey,” she said, her voice steady, and walked over to him. Raven and her exchanged a look before Raven came back over to their booth. Everyone was a little on edge. It’s just what Finn brought out, he supposed. 

“It’s good to see you,” Finn said to her.

Clarke snorted. “You mean good to hear I’m not actually dead?” He turned sheepish and she patted him on the arm. “Kidding. It’s nice to see you too.”

He didn’t want to eavesdrop of the conversation, no matter how intriguing it might’ve been to hear what the two of them even had to talk about. Instead, he turned back around and asked Harper about work. While the others clearly wanted to listen in, she allowed the distraction and went on about it for the next couple of minutes. Until Clarke came back over, a little bit flushed. 

“So…” she started.

Raven sensed what it was about before she even got the words out. “It’s okay if he asked you out.”

Clarke’s eyes went a little wide. “Well, not exactly and I told him I have to think about it and—”

“Look,” Raven interjected. “We went through it the first time, but I’ve never hated him. And he’s always liked you the most anyways.”

“Raven—”

“Just saying what we all know is true,” she replied. “Now, if you want to go out with him, that’s your decision. Do it or don’t. But please, don’t not go out with him because of me.” 

Clarke stared her down. “You sure?”

Raven took a swig of her beer. “Absolutely. Besides…” She swallowed. “I’m sort of seeing someone.” Everyone’s attention snapped at _that_ but she went on before they could ask, “Not that I’m ready to talk about it to you fools.”

Miller smirked at that. “Damn, you must really like them, then.”

“Shut up,” she shot back. 

As the rest of them dissolved into teasing Raven, he turned to Clarke, who asked him, “Do you think I’m an idiot if I say yes?”

He thought about it for a moment. While he certainly wasn’t Finn’s biggest fan, and the fact of Clarke dating someone made his chest get all tight, he wanted her to be happy, to have a full life.

“Not at all,” he decided. 

She smiled. “Okay, then I think I’ll do it.” She touched his arm. “Thank you, Bellamy.”

He returned her smile with one his own. “Always.”

It turned out that trying to not be jealous was really fucking hard for Bellamy. Especially as he watched Clarke scramble around the house getting ready for her date with Finn. But she was so excited about it and had been so light since that night at the bar, he couldn’t help but also be grateful for the other guy. Things were really settling in with her being back, and she was _happy_. 

Even if something real developed with Finn, he knew he would always be there for her, in whatever capacity she needed him. And he was letting himself accept that she would be there for him, too. Clarke was alive, and back in his life. He couldn’t imagine asking for anything more. It felt too selfish. 

“Have you seen my keys?” she asked, coming into the living room for the fifth time in twenty minutes.

It was painfully adorable, how nervous she was about a date with Finn Collins. 

He looked away from Great British Bakeoff and had to cough to hide his reaction to her appearance. She’d changed again since the last time he saw her. Now, she was wearing a low-cut black dress that cut off at the knees. It was a lot to take in all at once. 

“I think you left them in the dish by the front door,” he said, trying to make his voice at least sound a little bit normal. 

“Thanks,” she said and went off to fetch them.

As soon as she was out of eyesight, he leaned his head back against the couch and sighed. Damn him. 

“Okay, I think I’m gonna go.” She came back into the room and tucked short pieces of her hair behind her ears. “Do I look okay?”

“You’ll knock him dead.”

She blushed a little and rolled her eyes. “Okay, but Harper and Monty have all the numbers right? And you’re okay if Madi doesn’t feel comfortable staying the night over there and wants to come back here and—”

“Clarke,” he interrupted before she could fully spin-out. “I know. Madi knows. Harper and Monty know. Now, go have fun.”

She chewed on her lip for a moment before sucking in a breath and letting it out. “I’ll try. As long as you’re willing to rewatch those episodes with me some other time.”

He nodded. “You got a deal.”

With one last jittery smile, she left, and he was alone with his thoughts of how much he wished he’d had the guts to ask her out before Finn had. 

When Clarke didn’t come home at nine or ten or eleven, he decidedly told himself he wasn’t worried. That she was an adult and could do what she wanted. With whoever she wanted. Still, he wallowed for maybe just a bit too long and then sent himself to bed to prevent doing something stupid like calling up one of the old booty calls in his phone. 

He was roused awake around midnight when he got a call from Clarke. She was crying, and he froze.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked. Rage pooled in his stomach. “I swear to god, Clarke, I’ll kill him I’ll—”

“No, no, he didn’t.” She let out a small sob. “It was all me I...Fuck, okay, my Uber’s here. Will you be up when I come home?”

“Of course,” he said and tried his best to not completely lose it during the next fifteen minutes it took her to get to him. 

* * *

Clarke cried almost the whole way back to her place from Finn’s. God. _What had she been thinking_? She was stupid. So stupid. How could she possibly believe that she could be normal, even for just one night? Her Uber driver probably thought she was just some dumb girl that had gotten her heart broken by an asshole. Please. She’d give anything for that to be the case. Anything for it to be something other than what it was: that she simply wasn’t _her_ anymore. 

Bellamy wrapped his arms around her the minute she kicked off her heels and she was sure if it wasn’t for him she would’ve collapsed onto the floor. For a while, he just held her. Didn’t press or make her talk about it or even ask what happened. When she was ready, she pulled away. He brushed a hand across her cheek, wiping away the tears. 

“It was stupid,” she confessed. But it was. Everything had been fine, almost perfect, even. Until she’d gone and freaked out. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t,” Bellamy replied. 

She shook her head. “You don’t even know what happened.”

He swallowed. “But I do know that whatever did, it wasn’t your fault. And I’m here, whatever you need.”

“The date was good.” She bit her lip, not sure if she wanted to tell Bellamy of all people the details. But she found the ability to go on. “Really good, actually. I know that...Look, it’s Finn and I know you two never really liked one another but he’s fun and he likes me and I thought…” she trailed off. Bellamy’s eyes looked into hers, all comfort, and no judgment. “I really believed it’d be nice, to just sleep with someone. I know that sounds bad but—”

“It doesn’t,” he said. 

“Thank you, but I know—”

“Clarke.” He sighed. “You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting what you want.”

She wished so badly she could believe him, that she could let herself feel that, too. Clearing her throat, she continued, “Anyways, it was going pretty okay, I thought. You know it’s...Sorry, am I making things horribly awkward by talking about this?”

Bellamy shook his head, though there was a slight tick in his jaw that gave her pause. “Not at all. But let’s get you some water, okay?”

She let herself be led into the kitchen and took a seat at the counter. Running a hand through her hair, she said, “We hadn’t even done anything really, just took clothes off and stuff. He was kissing me and then all of sudden...I lost it.”

Bellamy eyed her warily. “You sure he didn’t do anything.”

“I wish that was the case,” Clarke admitted and then regretted it. She wiped a hand over her mouth. “God, I’m horrible.”

He slid a glass of water over to her. “Not in the slightest.”

She smiled a little. “You would say that to me regardless.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he argued. “I would most definitely tell you what a horrible person you were if I thought it was the truth.”

She surprised herself by laughing a little, and he seemed to lose some of the tension in his shoulders she hadn’t noticed was there before. 

“Well, thanks,” she responded. “But I guess long drawn out panic attack short, I think I terrified him. Luckily, that meant he let me leave without too much fanfare but—”

Bellamy narrowed his eyes. “He just let you go like that? He didn’t try and help?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and shrugged. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

“Really, it is.” She shook her head. “It’s no big deal.”

Bellamy didn’t let it go. “I never would've—”

“ _Not everyone is like you, Bellamy_ ,” she huffed. 

Her chest ached with the truth of it. A thought that had embedded itself into her mind on the ride home reared itself again. Maybe she had finally completely gone off the rails for thinking it but...She knew for certain that being with Bellamy wouldn’t be like Finn. Not even close. 

She cleared the thought away as much as she could. “Not everyone is as amazing at dealing with my crazy.”

“You’re not crazy,” he told her, without hesitation, and it only made her need him more. 

“I might be. Just a little.” She bit her lip. “And I don’t say that for pity or because I think I’m broken or anything I just…” Clarke shrugged. “It’s the truth."

He didn’t want to allow it, she could tell, but he also didn’t want to fight with her. So, she won by default. Not that she was that excited about winning this particular argument. 

“Even if you might be, which I’m definitely not saying you are,” he clarified, fighting back in the smallest of ways. “I don’t think that makes you wanting to be with someone any less important and I just wish…”

Bellamy didn’t continue and she wondered if she was imaging it or he wanted to say something he was afraid to. 

“Wish what?” Clarke asked. 

“That you had someone who would want to be there for you even if it didn’t work out.” He looked away from her for a moment. “I don’t know...Please, tell me if I’m out of line saying any of this, but, you deserve everything. In whatever way you need it. On your terms. I hate that Finn didn’t get that. I hate that he just let you go when he realized he wasn’t going to sleep with you.”

She was stunned by his words. In the course of their friendship, they didn’t often talk about romantic relationships. Part of her screamed at herself that she knew why this was, but she couldn’t deal with that right now. She was too busy trying to digest the things he’d said, the kindness there. It was those words that made her realize she had to ask him. Even if it was one of the most selfish things she had ever asked of someone. 

“You’re not out of line." She almost stopped there, but didn't. "But who is going to be that for me? Who could possibly be _that_ amazing?” She dared him to say it, but she should've known it wouldn't be that easy. 

Instead, he said to her, “It doesn’t matter to me. What does is that you’re happy, that you’re with someone that takes care of you.”

Maybe she should’ve felt defeated by his reply, but it only made her surer. Made her want to be bolder. It was terrifying and exhilarating and if the way he was washing out one of Madi’s cereal bowls was any indication, he had no idea she intended to do it. The moment was so domestic, it kind of scared her. Then, Clarke felt such sudden fondness for him, she worried that asking it of him would ruin everything. Would ruin _them_. After all that she’d been through, that was the part that frightened her the most. But she wanted this. Wanted to at least see if it was even a possibility. 

She took a breath and let it out. “What if it was you?”

Bellamy almost dropped the bowl into the sink and for a second she really did believe she had wrecked it all. But when he set it down, he was so shocked, she felt sure that she hadn’t.

“What?” His brows furrowed together.

Clarke swallowed. “What if that person...The person that I sleep with...What if it was you?”

“Are you teasing me right now?” Bellamy questioned. She shook her head slowly. He let out a breath. “Fuck, Clarke, I—”

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay,” she said hurriedly. “We can just pretend I never said anything and that this didn’t happen and go back to how it was. But,” she took how he was studying her and felt more confident than she did before. “If you do, if you want me like that then…” She gulped a little. “I want you, too.”

He took a breath. “I’m really trying to remain thoughtful and rational right now.”

She giggled a bit at that because now she knew. He wanted her. He wanted to say yes. “ _Why_?”

“Because,” Bellamy started. “I want you to do this for the right reasons. I want you to feel safe.”

She got up from her chair and went over to stand beside him. She took his hand in hers and linked their fingers. 

“I am,” she reassured him. “I do.” He didn’t seem convinced though, so rambled, “Look at me okay?” He glanced up from their joined hand. “I want to do this with you because I trust you. If I get scared or if I can’t do it or need to stop at any point...I know you will. And I know you’ll be good to me, the way no one else can. No one knows me like you, okay? No one can even come close.”

She found herself smiling without even having to think about it. “And you don’t look at me like I’m broken or about to shatter. And I need this. I know it’s sort of wrong of me to ask this of you...But if you want me, too, then…” She moved a bit closer. “You’re the only one I know will take care of me.”

His eyes bore into hers for a few terrifying moments when he didn’t say a word. And then, he sighed, and she thought he might say no after all. “It’s not wrong, Clarke. It’s...Complicated, though.”

“I know,” Clarke said.

“It's…” He took a moment before he seemed to find the words, but she never doubted her decision to ask him. “We have to promise each other if we do this that we’ll be there for each other, no matter what happens.”

“I promise if you do.” Her breathing was shaky but not from fear. From desire and excitement and something else that terrified her. 

“Me too,” Bellamy replied.

“Then come here,” she whispered.

Then Clarke tugged him closer and closer until, finally, her body was flush against his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> you can probably guess what's coming next time, but I'll include a warning before in case it's not your thing!
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	7. We're Two Slow Dancers, Last Ones Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, loves!! here's another update.
> 
> just a warning, the first half is basically all smut, but I put in a line break when it ends, so if it's not your thing feel free to skip to that part. 
> 
> *chapter title is 'Two Slow Dancers' by Mitski 
> 
> sending love 💖💜💙

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asked, even as Clarke’s hands gripped his shoulders. He had to be positive she wanted this. He had never wanted anything so badly. But if she wasn’t absolutely sure about it, then he’d swallow it down. Even pretend it never happened.

To his utmost relief, she just laughed a little and stretched up on her toes. “Yes, Bellamy, yes, I am. I promise.”

He wished he was strong enough to hold out longer, but he found he couldn’t. Not when she was looking at him like that. All hunger and trust. So, he cupped her cheek and brought his lips down to hers. He’d intended it to be a soft kiss, light, something to test it out. This new whatever that would be between them. She didn’t allow it though, tangling her hands in his hair as the kiss became more intense, licking into his mouth with her tongue. The kiss made him think of waves crashing onto the shore and he chased the feeling by bringing his hands to her hips. 

“Let’s go upstairs,” she whispered when they broke apart for air.

He felt giddy. Like he was in a dream. She took his hand and he stayed close behind her as she made her way up the stairs and into her bedroom. The second the door closed behind him, she pushed him against it. The air went out of him for a moment, but he recovered quickly. He lifted his arms and she did away with his shirt and then took a second to discard her dress. He stared a bit at her breasts spilling out of her bra and she laughed.

“Sorry,” he got out, feeling himself blush. 

She shook her head and replied, “Don’t be. I don’t…” she trailed off. “It’s different when you look at me.”

He followed that with bringing his lips to hers once more, backing her up until they tumbled onto the bed. This time, he chuckled a bit. It felt oddly innocent, even though their kisses and touches spoke otherwise. He buried a hand in her short hair and she moaned into his mouth as he sat up on his knees and her fingers went for his pants. Bellamy pulled off her underwear in a swift movement and she did away with his own after he helped her kick them off. Briefly hesitating when he went to unhook her bra, she brought him down for a gentle brush of lips. 

“I want you.” Her voice grew a little desperate when she added, “ _Please_ Bellamy.”

Once her bra was off, he ran his fingers along her back, feeling the scars there but placing sucking kisses on her neck. She shivered at the contact and tugged on his hair so hard it made him moan against her skin. Placing every kind of kiss as he moved down her body, from searing to the lightest of touches, he explored which places made her dig her hands in deeper, the places that she needed most. 

He nipped lightly at her hip, then her inner thigh, but before he could get his mouth on her, she panted out, “Later.”

Sitting up, he asked, “Really?” He couldn’t help but grin a little. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good at this.”

She let out a breathless laugh. “Later, okay? I want you. _Now_.” 

He didn’t need any more convincing than that, already aching for her. The fact that she seemed to want him just as badly made him feel chaotic, like a brewing storm. He leaned over her and placed a bruising kiss to her breast. 

“Bellamy,” she whined. “Can we do this sometime this year?” He smirked against her skin and kept kissing the sensitive skin. “Shut up,” she said. “It’s been _six years_.”

“You a little touch-starved?” he asked, sitting up and smoothing a hand down her cheek. She leaned into it. 

“Maybe a little,” she admitted. 

He kissed her and murmured, “I’ll take care of you.”

“I know,” she replied. “I know you will.”

He reached down between them, teasing her entrance a bit with the head of his cock. God, he could already feel how wet she was, how filled with desire. For him. It couldn’t be real. But it was. As impossible as it felt. Finally, he gave her what they both craved, and slid into her to the hilt. 

“Fuck,” he muttered into her neck as she adjusted to the feel of him inside her. “Clarke you feel so damn good.”

In response, she rocked her hips against him and he thrust into her. She gasped out his name and it drove him to go even deeper on the next one. 

Bellamy had had a lot of sex in his life, that was just the reality. He’d had great sex, mind-blowing, even when the person he was with wasn’t anyone too important. But fucking Clarke was different. He didn’t even know if he could call it fucking. Not that he was ready to admit it was making love. Still, it didn’t feel like anything he’d ever had before. He didn’t know if it was because he was desperately in love with her or just that they knew one another so well, had been through so much together. Instead of trying his best to match her rhythm or meet her where she was, they fell together with ease. Like they’d been doing this for years. He wondered if they could’ve, and felt such need for it that he snapped his hips against hers with such urgency the bed shook. 

“Bellamy, right there, oh god, right there,” Clarke said, and he did the movement once more, making the bed’s headboard slam into the wall. 

He took one of her hands that was grasping the sheets, the other digging into his shoulder, and knotted their hands together, and pinned it just above her head. She whined, deep in her throat. 

“Like that?” he asked, but he already knew she did.

He just needed to hear it. 

She bore her eyes into his, filled with lust and heat and it was everything. “Yes,” she told him. And then slyly, “You know I do.”

He smirked a bit. “I know.” He kissed her dirty, sweeping his tongue into her mouth. “But it sounds so good when you say it.”

Her skin was flushed and he bent down to nip at her collarbone. Clarke moaned and hooked a leg around his hip, moving it up further than he thought was comfortable. He used his free hand to hold onto it, rubbing a circle into the skin for a moment as he continued to thrust into her. The fit was so much deeper at the new angle and he buried his head into the crook of her neck. 

“Never felt anyone so good before. Fuck, Baby, you’re amazing.” He stilled for a moment, realizing what he’d just called her. He knew this was a huge step for her, letting him in. He understood that she wanted him like this. But he wasn’t sure she wanted all of him, and he felt like shit for assuming. 

She traced his freckles with her fingertips. “Why’d you stop?” she asked. “Is something wrong?”

The concern in her voice made him want to comfort her, made him want to tell her all the things he thought of her but had never had the chance to say. Because they were at war and risking their lives or even during the moments of peace when it never felt like the time. This wasn’t the time either, he thought. He wanted this to be good for her, to be easy. He couldn’t weigh her down with seven years of loving her. 

“You’re perfect,” he whispered against her mouth. 

When he went to pull away, she chased after him, and for a moment, they just exchanged desperate kisses. Then, she moved her hips in a circling motion that had him threatening to fall apart. 

“Then fuck me,” she gasped. 

He moved once more, going slower this time, wanting this to last as long as possible. He didn’t know if he’d get another chance at this. If Clarke would want him again, once she had gotten what she needed. The thought terrified him and made him feel near devastated. He would take whatever she was comfortable with offering though and chose to lose himself in the moment once more. 

Bellamy let out all the praise he wanted, encouraged by the snapping of her hips that deepened his thrusts and the raspy moans that came from her mouth, begging him not to stop. As if he’d be able to now, he thought. As if he’d ever want to. He didn’t believe in wanting moments to last forever. Frankly, there weren’t many of them that he’d wanted to last at all. But this, this he wished could extend for eons. 

Their kisses grew a little sloppy and wet and hotter than before, and he could tell she was close. He reached down between them and rubbed at her clit with his thumb. Just as he thought he would take her over the edge like that, she panted out for him to wait. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Immediately, guilt and regret seized him and he removed his hand and paused his thrusts. 

“No,” she blushed. “I just want…”

“Anything, you can have anything,” he said without thinking of the implications. 

Her eyes shined in the darkness of the room at his words. 

“Can I…” She swallowed thickly, her chest heaving a little. “I want to ride you.”

“Yeah?” he asked, the awe in his voice painfully evident.

She nodded. “Yes.”

Without hesitation, he used his grip on her leg wrapped around him to flip them. It took them a moment to adjust to the new angle, but when she rocked against him to test it out, they both cursed under their breath. It felt so good, having her like this. She looked so good, he thought. He didn’t realize he’d said out loud until she leaned down, laughing, and kissed him until they had to break apart to breathe. 

She moved in earnest after that, and the bed shook once more under the strain of their meeting thrusts. He placed his hands on her hips and she reached down and made their grip on them rougher, harder. So much so he felt like they were burning into her skin. As she moved, she chanted his name like a prayer and it tore at his heart, to hear her say it with such pleasure. 

“Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy,” she moaned, and it led his thoughts to some blissed-out place he’d never imagined he’d find. She went on, “Please, I need…”

He drove into her and gasped out, “What do you need?”

“Your fingers,” she managed after one more driving thrust. 

He moved one of his hands from her hips to her clit, circling it with his thumb before applying the least bit of pressure, just toying with her really. 

“More,” she commanded. 

But he didn’t give it to her, not right away. Instead, he continued to tease her, feeling the way her body reacted to him. He watched with hooded eyes as she fisted her own hair. He pulled her even closer by wrapping his other arm around her waist, holding her in place as she fucked him. 

“Please, give me more. I’m begging you, oh god I…” she trailed off into breathlessness as he finally touched her the way she needed. He was pretty sure he might’ve growled. 

When she moved her hand from her hair to play with her own breasts he spewed more curses than he ever had in his life. She chewed on her lip and grinned wickedly, and if it didn’t make him bury himself in her even deeper. 

“Like that?” she asked, repeating his words from earlier. 

He felt frantic as he responded, “Fuck, yeah. You look so hot like that, touching yourself.”

“What about this?” she wondered, tilting her head to the side. 

Clarke moved her hand until she placed it over the one that was stroking her clit, moving it in tandem with his.

“Shit,” he breathed out and she chuckled. “Look at you, so fucking amazing. You have no idea what you do to me.”

“I might be learning though,” she said, grinning.

He felt his face go hot and it trailed all the way down to his chest. 

“I want you to, so damn much.”

Her thrusts sped up and she tilted her head back to the ceiling, letting out gravely moans that shook him and sent it straight to his cock. 

“Bell, I think I’m...Oh fuck, _yes_ ,” she let and he worked her through her orgasm, feeling her clench around him as moans of pleasure fell from her lips. 

She continued to rock against him. “Come on, come for me,” she commanded. 

A sheen of sweat coated both their bodies and he wondered how much longer he could hold out. It only was magnified tenfold when she removed his hand from her clit once she’d come down enough. She pulled his hand up slowly, letting him give her breast a quick squeeze before she brought his fingers to her mouth and sucked on them. The image sent him over the edge and he felt himself spill into her as she released his fingers from his mouth. 

* * *

Clarke collapsed beside Bellamy, breathing heavily. Though the sheets were damp and they were both still hot from exertion, she fit herself against his side. Placing soft touches of her mouth on his neck. His hair was slick against his head and he pushed her hair behind her ears as she propped herself up so she could kiss him on the lips. They broke apart, and she looked at him with a spark of joy in her eyes he hadn’t seen enough of since she’d come home. 

Then she buried her head into his neck and he worried something was wrong as she started to shake a little. 

“Clarke?” he asked, his voice filled with concern. “Are you okay? Please, tell me if it wasn’t…” 

But when she looked up at him he saw she was giggling. God, he didn’t know if he would ever hear that again and the sheer happiness it brought him made him return it. 

Once she’d stopped long enough to speak, she told him, “I’m so happy it was you.”

He felt himself grin, a little stupidly. “You are?”

She nodded. “I mean...Couldn’t you tell?”

He shrugged a little, admitting, “You seemed like you were enjoying it.” He turned a little serious. “But…”

She stiffened a little. “But?”

Rubbing a hand over her shoulder, he confessed, “I just...I was worried you were only doing it because you felt like you had to. Not just with me, but...In general, too.”

“Oh, Bellamy,” she sighed. “I wanted to. More than anything. I _needed_ to, I think. And now I know.”

“Know what?” he questioned. 

“That you’re the only one it could’ve ever been.” She seemed so sure of it, that he knew it was the truth, and it soothed the concern he had before. 

“Yeah?” Even though he already knew her answer, he still wanted her to say it. Maybe that was selfish of him, but when she nodded her reassurance, it was all he needed. 

The fact that Clarke was sure about him made him bolder, and want to know if it was just this, just sex. He could handle it if it was, even if it would hurt. But a part of him wondered if she was ready. The last thing he wanted was to push her into something she wasn’t prepared for or to pressure her into anything when she was still healing. Maybe Indra was right though, and he needed to lean on her as well. He was still healing too, he reminded himself. From the years of guilt, from his grief, from his own trauma he’d experienced. He wondered if they couldn’t help heal one another. 

Though a ‘no’ would threaten his composure, he couldn’t help but ask the question. He took a breath and got out, “You don’t have to answer right now, and I don’t want to be an asshole but I can’t help but wonder…”

“It’s okay Bellamy,” she said. “You can tell me.”

He found the courage to spit out the words. “Is this just sex? Or is it...Is it more? I don’t want to pressure you or anything and I’ll understand whatever you want to do. I think I need to know though.” It came out in a rush and he didn’t know if it made any sense, but he managed to say it, and that was enough. 

She was silent for a long time, and he worried he’d fucked everything up. That he had ruined this wonderful thing she’d felt comfortable enough to give him. More than anything, he felt selfish for asking this of her, for even just wanting an answer. She wasn’t ready, might not be ready for a long time. Just because she’d wanted to sleep with him didn’t mean she wanted to be with him. The thoughts spiraled out of control as the moment dragged on and he felt like he was going to be sick. 

But then she said, so quiet he almost missed it, “I’m scared.” He swallowed and while he wanted to ask if it was him she was scared of, he decided he’d let her say that if it was the truth. “Of me,” she clarified, and he felt relief wash over him in waves, the storm of regret cooled a bit. 

“Why?” he wondered and she leaned up so they were looking at one another in the eye. 

“That I’m not enough,” she confessed. “That no matter how much I try, it’ll never be enough.”

He cupped her cheek and shook his head in disbelief. How could she ever think she wasn’t enough for him? Didn’t she know she was all he wanted? All he needed? He felt the words building up on the tip of his tongue, ready to crash over them both. But he didn’t know if either of them were ready for that yet. So, he went with soft assurance. 

“You are, Clarke,” he told her. “You’re incredible and I want...I do want you, but if you don’t feel the same, it’s okay. I understand.”

It was her turn to look mistified. “Of course, I want you, too.” He let out a breath, half-shocked, half-amazed. “But,” she swallowed thickly, “I don’t know how much I can give right now.”

“That’s fine,” he replied. 

“Is it?” she asked. “I don’t see how.”

“Because it’s you. It wouldn’t matter to me if this was all you could do. Whatever you can, I’ll accept.” He ran a soothing hand across her back and she offered a tentative smile. 

“So, you’re okay if...If we go slow? I mean...I want to still do _this_ but it’s really okay? If we don’t label it right away?”

“Of course,” he said. “We can do whatever you want. Labels are overrated anyway.”

She laughed silently and traced patterns on his skin with her finger. “You sound like a hipster college kid.” 

“Might be, a little,” he said. 

“You’re right,” she responded. “Your new glasses are proof enough.”

He grinned and kissed her shoulder quickly. “But if I’m one then so are you. Not the only one with those kind of glasses.”

“Fair enough.”

She reached up and traced his jaw with one of her fingers. Even this smallest touch made him feel whole. Like a piece had been fit into his heart he didn’t know had been missing. Maybe she was, he realized. He’d always thought he and Clarke could get here, someday, in some quiet part of his mind that he didn’t look at too closely. But now it had happened, and it wasn’t perfect, but it was _real_. And that made the world look so different than it had before. 

When he’d believed Clarke was dead, gone from his life forever, it was as if time stopped. Even as the years passed and some of the pain subsided, he never forgot how she felt in her arms or the small smiles she’d allowed herself or her strength when it came to making the hard choices. No one had ever touched his soul like she had. And he knew no one ever would. Bellamy had never believed in soulmates before Clarke came into his life. But as he got to know her, as they bonded and became partners, he felt differently. It wasn’t until he lost her that he realized how much he needed her though, how much a piece of him had died with her. 

She was here though, in his arms, safe and touching him and wanting to try and be with him. It didn’t matter to him if it would be difficult, or if she could only give so much of herself. Bellamy felt in his heart that they’d find a way. They always did. 

“You know a part of me wasn’t alive until I found out you were,” he said, feeling braver now than he’d expected to ever feel with her. “It was like I was swimming through a fog, most of the time. I kept it together for everyone else but...It didn’t feel right. Not without you by my side...Is that too much?” he couldn’t help but add. 

Clarke shook her head. “No, it’s not too much. It’s...It’s a lot, but I know how you feel. I was so scared you’d died, too.” She let out a shaky breath and licked her lips. “I didn’t know how to do it, at first. Because I was so worried you hadn’t made it. I had to believe that my sacrifice was worth it, that you were all okay.”

“Clarke—” The usual guilt clenched at his chest, the horror that he was to blame for her pain. 

“I know it was worth it,” she told him with more steadiness to her tone. “Because you’re here, and I’m here, and...This is more than I ever thought I’d get.”

“Me too,” he breathed out, suddenly feeling shaky himself. He swallowed down the turmoil of emotions. 

“I’m still kind of terrified,” she admitted.

He nodded, and confessed, “I am too.” 

Bellamy didn’t want to be, but he couldn’t deny that he was. There were a million things that could go wrong, and he worried to lose her again because of this risk. It was new and exciting and he couldn’t believe it really, but the reality of both of their situations kept it from a full celebration. Maybe one day, they could be light and easy and their relationship could be like breathing. He knew they weren’t there yet, even as this moment felt about as perfect as it could possibly get. No matter how much they tried, their traumas would always be there. 

She smiled even as her eyes started to shine with tears. “But we can be it together, right?”

He wiped at her cheek as a tear swept down it from her eyes. Not for the first time that night, he wondered how such an exquisite person could want him. It didn’t seem right, but he knew she had her own wounds, her own reasons for believing she didn’t deserve to be held and wanted and cherished either. It seemed doubtful that either one of them could completely overcome those feelings. But he knew they could try. As long as he had Clarke, he would never stop trying. 

“Together,” he assured her. 

“Together,” she repeated and leaned her head on his chest. 

He hoped for a restful sleep for both of them, for one without nightmares. But even if that didn’t happen, they would be there for one another. Would comfort and whisper words of dedication and strength. Would hold one another until the nightmare passed, even as the memories of what they’d been through lingered. If there was one thing he was sure of, even with this new thing between them, it was that they balanced one another. They were head and heart. And maybe one day they could be both equally. 

And for now, that was all both of them needed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)


	8. This Problem's Gonna Last More than the Weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies. I feel I have to acknowledge what happened, but I am just going to copy and paste a post from my tumblr. I hope that is alright.
> 
> I am not going to discuss the situation, but if you’re aware of it, know that I understand the severity of it. I have been confronting breakdowns and being triggered again and again about my own trauma and experiences. So, believe me when I say I am aware of how significant what happened is. At the same time, it is not my life. It is not my business. And I don’t ever want it to be. 
> 
> All of this is to say that I will be still writing fic, with updates hopefully coming this weekend. It took a lot for me to come back and recognize that I wanted to after I quit a couple months back. In the end though, I came back because I love you all and writing fic is a good outlet for me. And I won’t let something that I enjoy and do for fun be taken away from me because of the actions of someone I don’t know. I really don’t wanna make this a whole thing, but I feel I have to at least acknowledge these things for my own mental health. 
> 
> For those who don’t want to read anymore, I support you. But I am going to keep writing because I still find some fulfillment in it. All I ask is that you **please** keep any mentions of what happened out of comments on ao3 or my inbox. 
> 
> I am a survivor. Please respect this. 
> 
> I love you all and am so thankful for the amazing people I’ve met on here. Sending my best and always here for you all.
> 
> this one is a bit heavier than the previous two. it does have some lighter moments though and deals with how Clarke and Bellamy are exploring their new relationship. 
> 
> thank you so much for the lovely feedback I've received. it really means the world to me. take care of yourself, take care of each other. sending love 💖💜💙
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Jesus Christ' by Brand New*

Her mom got out of rehab two weeks after Bellamy and Clarke started...Well, she wasn’t exactly sure what they were doing, but their _something_. 

Madi had been far too overjoyed when she and Clarke had a long talk about the development, she’d almost cackled, really. Clarke’s cheeks had heated up so much it was embarrassing. It felt a little ridiculous, that they’d been so obvious. Especially in front of Madi, who should’ve held all of her attention while they settled in. It made her feel guilty, but Clarke was at least assured that Madi wasn’t going to struggle with her and Bellamy trying something together. 

They went to pick up her mom together. Madi was at school, only her third day. It terrified Clarke to allow her to go, though she knew she’d have to let her go as she’d been testing the limits more and more. But Clarke wasn’t convinced to actually let her go until the night after she and Bellamy first slept together. They laid in bed, touching one another lazily in a blissed-out moment that didn’t seem real. He brought it up. After voicing her various fears and the comfort he offered in return, she ultimately agreed that she had to let Madi go. It was still an adjustment, but so was everything. This was just one more thing for Clarke to work through. 

“Hey Mom,” she greeted Abby as she came out of the building, wrapping her in a hug. 

She noted how thin her mom had gotten, how frail she felt. In all of Clarke’s life, she had never felt like that before. It stunned her a little, just how far her addiction had taken her. Clarke couldn’t help but feel at fault. If she’d never been captured, then maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. There was no way to be sure, and she knew it was pointless to wish for it to be different, but her chest got tight with the thoughts that hit her skin like needles. 

She returned the hug, holding Clarke tight for a moment before letting her go. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

Clarke nodded. “Of course, we were happy to.”

Her mom acknowledged Bellamy with a tight smile. 

“Abby.” He swallowed. “You feeling better?”

Clarke knew he was just being protective of her, that he was worried her mom would somehow hurt her, but she was confident that she wouldn’t. Her mom, despite her mistakes, loved her. Abby had done as she’d promised and worked the program. Now that Clarke was there to make sure she stayed on it, she was sure things would be okay. 

“I’m fine,” her mom replied, tone a little more clipped than Clarke thought necessary. 

Not wanting to bask in the awkwardness of the moment, she got her mom signed out and they climbed into Bellamy’s truck. For the next couple of months, Abby would be staying at a half-way house. It was only a ten-minute drive from Clarke’s place. At first, she’d tried to convince the rehab facility to let her live at the house, but the coordinator told her it wouldn’t be allowed because of Madi. The last thing she wanted was to jeopardize the still pending adoption, so she agreed to let her mom stay elsewhere. Her dad was paying for it, but Clarke worried about the costs. She knew he was only doing it because she’d practically begged him to. 

No one else seemed to believe in her mom but her. The thought upset her. But it was something she didn’t want to dwell on too much. Things would be different, she told herself, over and over, as they made the drive to the half-way house.

Once they got her mom unpacked and she assured Clarke that things would be fine and that she would call her later, Bellamy took her out to her favorite greasy diner. Even though some of the interiors had changed, the food was still how she remembered. It was nice. At least one thing was the same. 

She was rambling on about stories Madi had told her about class and her new friends at school when she caught Bellamy grinning at her. 

“What?” she asked, laughing a bit, feeling a little self-conscious that she might have food on her face or something. 

He looked a little flustered when he answered, “Nothing. It’s just...You seem happy.”

She returned his smile, and even if the two of them looked completely foolish, she didn’t care. “That’s because I am.”

He took a moment before replying. “Yeah?” 

There was a bit of disbelief in his voice that struck a chord. Of course, it was just like Bellamy to worry, even when things were just falling into place, that something wasn’t quite right. She knew no matter what she said, it wouldn’t fully reassure him. But she could still try. 

“Yes.” She bit her lip for a moment, thinking of the right thing to say, what would encourage his own happiness the most. 

“After everything, I didn’t know if it would ever be possible, but now I know. Things aren’t perfect and I know I’m still trying to deal with everything, but Bellamy…” She had to look away for a moment, the words felt so intense. “I think this, us, and Madi doing well and my mom being okay...It’s the happiest I’ve been in a really long time.”

“Me too,” he replied without hesitation. 

It made her grin stupidly, but she couldn’t bring herself to want to dim it. She thought they might say more, but they were interrupted by the ringing of her phone. 

“Madi’s school,” she explained, and Bellamy gestured for her to answer. “Hello?”

“Yes, Ms. Griffin?”

“Yes.”

“This is Principal Charmaine Diyoza. I’m sorry to have to say this, but we’ll need you to come and pick up Madi,” the other woman said, her voice a little stiff but not strictly unkind. 

Thoughts of concern flashed through her mind. Questions came roaring into her mind. Was Madi okay? Was she hurt? Had she sent her to school too soon? Already, the blame and guilt made her heart beat faster. Somehow, she found her composure. 

“Did something happen?” she asked, brow furrowing. 

“Yes...It’s, well, Madi got into a fight today. Things got a bit physical. In the hallway between classes.” 

“A fight?” It couldn’t be true. Madi had never been violent before. Even when the two of them grew frustrated with one another and their situation, she had never expressed any inclination for it. 

“Yes, and while the situation is complicated, we think it’s best if Madi if you come and get her now. I know she just started, but we don’t have a tolerance for fighting. We hope you understand.”

Clarke found herself nodding, and then realized she hadn’t given an actual reply. “I understand. I can be there in twenty minutes. Is that alright?”

“Yes, that will be fine. If you’re able, I would also like to talk with you. Just to make sure that something like this doesn’t happen again.”

She swallowed and tried to calm her breathing. The last thing she needed was Madi’s principal to think she was unstable or not capable of caring for her. 

“That makes sense, of course.”

“Thank you for understanding Ms. Griffin,” Charmaine Diyoza said and then hung up. 

“What happened?” Bellamy asked as she flagged down their waitress. 

“It’s Madi.” She let out a huff. “She got into a fight at school. I told them I’d pick her up and talk to her principal about it. I can get an Uber or something so you don’t have to—”

“Clarke,” he interrupted. “Come on, I’ll drive you. It’s no big deal.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah...I mean, as long as you want me to, as long as you’re comfortable with that,” he clarified. 

“I am,” she assured him. “But really, you don’t have to. I don’t want to make you feel like—”

“I want to,” he cut in. “Anything I can do to help.”

She let herself believe it, even if it was only a little and she still wasn’t convinced all the way. “Alright. Thank you.”

He shook his head. “Don’t. Let’s just go deal with this.”

As they made their way to Madi’s school, it occurred to her that he’d said _let’s._ Like she wasn’t doing it by herself. Like it was a team effort or something. To her surprise, it didn’t scare her. Didn’t really faze her at all. It was comforting, in a way, even if she insisted he stay in the car while she went into the school. There were still some boundaries when it came to parenting Madi, after all. As much as Bellamy helped and was amazing with her, Clarke wanted to show the school that if she needed to, she could handle things all on her own. 

Charmaine Diyoza wasn’t a particularly warm person, but she seemed to have some sense of humor and didn’t act as if Madi was going to be too severely punished. She explained that the school had a zero-tolerance for fighting though, and even with the exceptional case of her situation, she would still be suspended for two days.

Clarke wanted to fight it, but the way Principal Diyoza spoke about it made it seem useless. There would be no negotiating on Madi’s behalf when it came to her punishment, so she just sighed and accepted it. “I guess I expected as much.”

“Now, I don’t want to make this less severe than it is, and if it becomes a recurring incident then we’ll have to come up with some other courses of action, but we’re sympathetic to what Madi is going through. It’s a big adjustment. A new country. New environment. All new people.”

“Can you…” Clarke trailed off. “Is it okay if I ask what the fight was about? It’s just that I never thought Madi would even get into one and…”

Diyoza nodded. “Yes, well, I don’t want to burden you with this, but it seems Madi believed she was defending your honor.”

That threw her. “My honor?” she questioned. 

The other woman nodded. “Some of the other students were talking about...Your situation. It seems that their words were upsetting to Madi, and she reacted intensely.”

“Oh,” Clarke got out before realizing it was a horrible response. “I suppose that does make sense. She’s protective.”

Diyoza nodded and offered a wry smile. “Indeed. She was very vocal in the discussion we had with her and the other student.”

“Are they, I mean, the other student, are they alright?”

“Yes,” she responded. “Ethan is just fine. A little embarrassed maybe. Madi can hold her own.” For a moment, she thought the tone in her voice was almost affectionate. 

She continued, “But we’ve spoken to his father and he assured us he isn’t upset with Madi. More his son, than anyone else. We don’t think this will happen again, but still, perhaps speaking with Madi about this would be helpful.”

Clarke agreed right away. “Of course, I will. I don’t want this to become a repeating thing. I’m sure once we talk about it, and why this kind of behavior isn’t acceptable, she’ll understand.”

Diyoza replied, “I hope so. I also don’t want you to think we don’t enjoy having Madi here. She’s doing better than we expected, and we’re committed to working with you to make sure she can continue attending.”

For that, Clarke was incredibly grateful. If Madi couldn’t go to school, she didn’t know what she would do. Besides, she seemed to love it already. To take another thing away from her...It was far too painful to even consider. 

The other woman seemed to understand and gestured for Clarke to go out into the main office. “Madi’s waiting over there. I would talk more but—”

“Of course, you must be very busy,” Clarke told her. “Thank you, really.”

At least she and the principal were on somewhat good terms, she thought to herself as she went out to get Madi. When she approached, she felt the disappointment and the other rush of emotions hit her for the first time. 

“Come on,” she told Madi, a little stiff. “We’re gonna have multiple long talks about this.”

To her credit, Madi did look rather sheepish as she picked up her backpack and followed Clarke out to the car. Once in it, she rubbed a hand over her forehead. Bellamy stayed quiet as they drove home, for which she was thankful. 

“What were you thinking?” Clarke demanded once they got into the house. 

Bellamy made himself busy washing the dishes in the kitchen as she sat Madi down on the couch. 

Madi defended herself, “I was standing up for _you._ You should’ve heard the stuff they were saying.”

Clarke pressed her lips into a thin line. “I don’t need you standing up for me Madi. Especially by getting into a fight. Don’t you realize if Principal Diyoza wasn’t so understanding that you could be facing much more serious consequences?”

“I don’t care!” Madi burst out and Clarke huffed.

“You should,” she said, her tone hard. “You love school, and you want to keep going, don’t you?”

The girl sucked on her teeth, but she nodded. “Yeah.”

“So,” Clarke went on, “you have to follow the rules. Even when people are being mean. Even if they’re talking about me or you or anyone else. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but you can’t do this again.”

“But what if—”

She cut her off. “No, Madi. No ‘if’s’. This can’t become a habit. I won’t allow it. And neither will the school.” She sighed and realized how upset she was, not really with the fight, but that she had been the cause. Maybe if she was stronger it wouldn’t have happened. “Don’t you understand that if the school thinks I can’t parent you correctly that they could tell the court? And then they could take you away from me?”

“No way!” Madi protested. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“You wouldn’t have a choice,” Clarke said, though just the idea of her words coming to pass made her sick. “I don’t say it to scare you, okay? I’m telling you because _I’m_ scared. I don’t want to lose you, okay?”

Madi was solemn when she replied, “Okay. I guess I get it.”

Clarke sighed, feeling exhausted by her own words. “Alright, now go to your room. And no phone or TV while you’re suspended.” Madi opened her mouth to say something to that, but Clarke just raised a single brow and she went quiet. 

“Fine,” she droned out and trudged up the stairs. 

While Madi wouldn’t be in too much trouble, Clarke couldn’t help but be upset with her for getting into the fight in the first place. For thinking that it was her responsibility to defend an adult. Moreover, an adult that was supposed to be caring _for her_. Not the other way around. While she hadn’t wanted to bring up the possibility of the adoption falling through, Clarke wanted her to understand the severity of her actions. Just the thought of Madi being taken away seized her with such terror she couldn’t breathe. 

To calm down, she went into the kitchen, where Bellamy had just put a kettle on.

“Thought some tea might help,” he said. 

She leaned against him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a light kiss to her head. 

“Am I bad at this? I mean, am I a bad mom?”

He pulled away and looked her in the eyes. “Of course you aren’t. You’re amazing.”

“I don’t know if I am.” She bit her lip. “It doesn’t feel that way. I mean, she got into the fight because of me. It’s my fault.” 

“Hey, come on.” Bellamy continued, “It’s not your fault. Madi made her own decision to get into that fight. Even if it was to defend you, it’s not on you. I know because you’d never want her to do that. Not even if you were hurt.”

She felt so tired, that she found herself allowing his words to settle the storm of blame in her mind. “I know. I guess I just thought that everything would be so easy if we could just get back here. If I could make sure she got to have at least some semblance of a normal life.”

Bellamy took the kettle off the burner and poured them two cups of tea. She took the one he offered, letting the warmth of it quell the remaining nerves from the day. “I know. I think I thought the same thing. It may not be easy, but it’s gonna be okay. Someday.”

“Promise?” she asked.

He kissed her lightly, once. “Promise.” It didn’t make everything better, and she still worried that everything would fall apart at any moment, but she was so grateful for him, all the same.

Six days after her mom got out of rehab, Clarke met her for lunch at some fancy place in the main square of Arkadia. 

“Thanks for meeting me, honey,” Abby said as Clarke sat down. “Even if you are a little late.”

She dismissed the comment. Her mom was a stickler for punctuality. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t heard before. Besides, she took it as a sign that she was coming back to her old self.

“Sorry,” she replied. 

The other woman waved it off. “No problem. I ordered for you, I hope that’s alright. Eggs Benedict.”

She smiled and told her that that was fine. When their food arrived, they fell into an easy conversation. There was so much to talk about, so much for them to catch up on. They focused on Madi. How she was doing. What subjects in school she liked the most. The tentative friendships she was forming. Abby knew about the fight, but they didn’t dwell on it. For the first time Clarke could remember since her parents’ divorce, she felt like she could actually _talk_ to her. Still, they avoided discussing Abby’s addiction and what she’d done and been through as she descended into it as much as possible. 

The closest they came to it was her mom saying, “I was so bad when you were gone. I lost myself.”

Clarke reached across the table and grasped her hand quickly before releasing it. “I know. But you’ve found yourself again, and I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

Abby smiled. “Thank you. I think things are going to be good for us. I really do.”

“I know.” Her mind drifted to Bellamy and she couldn’t stop her smile. “I think so, too. Even with Madi struggling a bit and me still adjusting. It feels like things are finally right. And…Bellamy and I are trying to be something and it’s going really well. I’m just so—” Before she could finish the statement though, her mom interrupted. 

“You and Bellamy are together?” she questioned, lips already beginning to press together in what Clarke knew was distaste. 

“I don’t know if together is the right word,” she replied, already feeling defensive. “We’re not really labeling it at the moment.”

Abby tilted her head to the side. “Do you think that’s smart? I mean, it’s a little fast, don’t you think?” 

“Not really,” Clarke said. “I mean, I think this is a long time coming and I’ve been home for a while now and—”

“Sweetheart.” Abby tsked her tongue against her teeth. “I care about you, and I know that Bellamy’s been there for you since you’ve come back, but you really have to be careful here. You don’t want to take steps backward.”

“Why would Bellamy be a step backward?” she asked, more confused than anything else. The dread began to settle in though, and she felt defensive of not just her and Bellamy’s something, but Bellamy himself as well. 

How didn’t she see how invaluable Bellamy was to her life? How much he’d already helped her make her feel like herself again? And maybe it wasn’t her old self, because she wasn’t sure that woman even existed anymore, but a new one, someone she could be proud of being. 

Abby took a sip of her water. “I don’t want to hurt you, Clarke.”

“I know.” She nodded and really did believe it. Even if her mom wasn’t always right or just or the most encouraging of people, she knew she loved her, and had her best intentions in mind. “But?”

Abby seemed to contemplate her response for far longer than felt comfortable. “But you have so many opportunities now. A second chance at life. Really, the world at your feet. You need to focus on that. And what’s best for Madi. I just don’t know if starting a relationship right away is really the wisest choice.” 

She straightened the utensils beside her. “And you know I like Bellamy,” though Clarke wasn’t sure if she actually did, “but you’ve known him for so long. Why not try to meet someone new? Someone not weighed down by the past?”

Clarke didn’t know what to say to any of that. She knew even if she said she liked Bellamy, that that hadn’t always been the case. In fact, there was a long time when it’d been the opposite. The words made her feel almost nauseous, but they still resonated. On one hand, she thought she understood where her mom was coming from. Abby worried about her, as everyone seemed to. She wanted to offer her advice in the hopes of helping. On the other, she knew she believed that her mom couldn’t have been more wrong about the situation. 

It was _because_ she’d known him for so long that he was the one she felt most comfortable with. It was all that history that made her want to push past her fears and try. Clarke understood that a part of her was terrified of it imploding. Or her not being enough. Or never being ready to give herself over to loving him as much as she knew deep down that she did. 

The point stood that she felt safe with Bellamy in a way she never had with Finn or anyone else. Someone new wasn’t going to fix her. Or help her heal her physical or mental scars. Someone new wasn’t going to be able to just hold her without expectations or know what she needed before she did. Someone new would never be Bellamy. 

The other comment though, that did get to her. Sure, she’d been home for a bit now, but it was fast. Especially considering the amount of time they’d known one another without either one making a move. Clarke wondered if it was the separation that made them rid themselves of the restraints on their relationship, or something more. Maybe this was just a reaction to the trauma, and she was desperate to have him close to her again. Then there was Madi. Was it foolish to jump into something so intense, even if there was no label yet, when her main priority should’ve been her daughter? It was selfish, really, some small part of her told herself. 

The more she tried to fight every ounce of doubt, it wouldn’t stop coming. The thoughts flooded in and she couldn’t stop them. They washed over her, threatening to drown her completely. 

To avoid answering her mom, she picked at her food when it arrived. 

“Clarke?” Abby asked. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t,” she lied. “I guess I was just excited to tell you about this and I kind of expected you to support me.”

“I _do_ support you,” her mom argued, though not unkindly. She offered a tentative smile. “I just want what’s best for you. For you to not limit yourself. To be open to new things and opportunities. I know you’ve been through so much, but so have I, and I’m diving into life. I don’t want the past to be something I can’t escape. I worry that you’re too focused on it, that’s all.”

Clarke wanted to protest. To say that she was dead wrong about Bellamy. That she wasn’t hung up on the past. That she and Bellamy were making something new together. That it was enough for her. She hoped it could be enough for him, too. He seemed to show her that it was. She worried though, as she did with everything these days. But she believed in the two of them. To make things even easier, Madi was good with the two of them, too. Which was more important to her than anything else. 

The words didn’t come out though. Instead, she just felt defeated. Part of her knew that no matter what she said or did to convince Abby that she was sure of her choice, it wouldn’t move her an inch. Her mom, like her in some ways, made her decisions with precision and thought and was completely resolute in them. Though she did think Abby was wrong, there was no way for her to communicate that without things taking a turn. 

Even if their relationships had never been perfect, all Clarke wanted for those six years was all of her people back. And like it or not sometimes, her mom was one of them. 

“I guess it’s something to think about,” she settled on. 

Abby nodded and seemed satisfied. “I’m glad. I just want you to be happy.”

Clarke wondered if that was the whole truth, even as they moved on to discussing how good at math Madi was, and how much she detested English. They made jokes and breezed through the rest of the meal with an ease she didn’t know had ever existed between the two of them. She tried to tell herself that her mom’s words hadn’t made a dent in the assurance Bellamy gave her. 

When she got home though, she realized they had. 

Bellamy was watching a history documentary on Netflix, and she settled into his side, telling herself everything was the same as it had been. He pulled her against him and she leaned a head on his shoulder. 

“So, I was thinking,” he said. 

“That must’ve been new for you,” she teased.

“Haha,” he replied, dry. “I was _thinking_ that it could be fun to go away for the weekend. You and me and Madi. Figured we could go to the city or something and see a bunch of museums. And you know, do stuff that you’d like too.”

The words held hesitation in them, and she knew he understood what he was asking of her. That he didn’t want to push, but had gotten to the point where he felt at least comfortable enough to voice it. She wanted to agree, she knew. The response didn’t come, even despite her efforts. The safety she’d previously felt with him was far away. Fear coursed through her instead. She wanted to flee, wanted to be alone or out of his reach. She started to shake a little and pulled away. 

“Clarke, did I say something wrong?” he asked, worry evident in his eyes and voice and she had to look down at her hands. “I’m so sorry. I just thought…”

“It’s okay,” she told him, but she wasn’t sure that _she_ was. “I think it’s just too soon. I don’t think I’m…” She swallowed and forced herself to go on. “I’m not ready for that. It’s too much.”

“That’s okay,” he said, and she felt even worse for the comfort he was trying to give her. 

The fact that he wasn’t even upset, not even fazed by it, like he really believed it was alright...It made her feel like she might throw up. How could anything be okay when she was like this? How could it _ever_ be okay?

He shook his head. “Forget I brought it up, alright?”

She nodded and let out a breath. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. We promised one another we’d take this slow. It’s my fault for pushing for too much too soon.”

The idea that he blamed himself when really it was all her fault tore her apart. Clarke smiled a bit and told him again that everything was fine. But she didn’t curl up into his side again. She told him she had a headache and needed to go lie down. He didn’t fight it, not even as she saw the worry and guilt in his expression. She forced herself to kiss him on the cheek and tell him it was okay before she fled the room. 

Once she’d wrapped herself in her comforter, she let the tears begin to fall. Clarke was a disaster. _How could this be okay for Bellamy?_ She thought, not for the first time. 

Her mom might’ve been trying to help, but as she wiped angrily at her cheeks, a piece of her started to hate her for what she’d said. How could everything start to crumble so quickly? Clarke wasn’t sure if it was her or her mom or Bellamy or just _everything_. All she knew was she was terrified and trapped in a whirlpool. Forcing her down, down, down. For one moment, she had really believed her life could be good again. 

What a fool she was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> find the playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=-_gYGTcKQiKzNVG99LRSlA)


	9. Turn into Yourself Again and Reach on Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies. hope you are all doing well and sending my absolute best to you.
> 
> this chapter, and the next couple as well, is a bit of an angst train. I'd apologize, but I did write it so I feel like that's a bit unfair. 
> 
> a note about this chapter and story in general: 
> 
> I am in no way trying to demonize addicts with this story. I know many addicts in my life. the overwhelming majority are amazing, kind, and good people. addiction is a genuine sickness and I mean no harm with how this story deals with the subject. however, due to *plot reasons* I have made certain choices in how to depict Abby in this story. really, it's not an Abby-positive fic, and I definitely understand if that is not your thing, but it's the choice I've made for this story. all of that said, I am always open to hearing others and trying to understand different perspectives, but please keep things respectful. 
> 
> I am so grateful for the feedback I've received for this story, and please remember to keep any hate or mentions of the actors out of the comments. I am survivor and need to protect myself and others. thank you. 
> 
> sending all my love 💖💜💙
> 
> *chapter title from 'You Know Me Well' by Sharon Van Etten*

Bellamy knew something was off between him and Clarke, but she didn’t give any indication of what that was. Leaving him feeling simultaneously frustrated and hurt. Like he wasn’t doing enough to support her, and he started to wonder if she didn’t trust him. If she didn’t trust _anyone_. He didn’t blame her for it. She’d been through hell. But he did blame himself. Eventually, it got to the point where he had to talk to someone about it. 

He chose Poker Night since Clarke wouldn’t be there (she was a sore loser and had sworn off ever playing again after only two weeks of the tradition). He could rely on Harper to let him down easily, Emori and Murphy to give it to him straight, Miller not to pass judgment, O telling him if he was being an idiot, and Jasper to crack a joke or two. 

The rest of them were at some art show that night. Clarke did kiss him before she left for it, but it wasn’t their physical connection he was worried about. It was that she hadn’t opened up to him like she had the night they slept together since her mom got out of rehab. Bellamy didn’t like it, but the thought occurred to him that Abby might’ve had something to do with the newfound problems in his and Clarke’s fledgling relationship. 

“You think she’s gonna dump your ass?” Murphy asked after Bellamy explained his concerns. 

Harper set down her water and shot him a glare. “I’m sure that’s not the case. It’s just complicated is all.”

“I don’t know,” Jasper interjected. “The plot of _The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina_ is complicated. Bellamy and Clarke? Whole other level.”

“Still holding out for Nabrina, huh?” Miller asked. 

Jasper laid a hand over his heart. “Always.”

Emori rolled her eyes. “Anyways, let’s get back to the actual conversation at hand.”

“Please,” O said. “I don’t think I can stomach another rant about a TV show for teenagers.”

“I don’t think it’s just for teenagers though. That’s some creepy stuff happening on there. I mean, have you seen that shit?” Murphy shook his head.

“As I was _saying_ ,” Emori cut in. “What makes you think there’s a problem at all?”

Bellamy sighed. “I’m not sure. She says nothing’s wrong, that she just needs time. And I get it, I do. But at the same time, it seems like she’s shutting me out. Like she never has before.”

He wasn’t sure how to explain it exactly. That it was more of a feeling than anything else. It might’ve not made much sense, but he could sense it. Clarke had started to pull away from him. He just wished he knew why. 

“I know this isn’t the easiest thing to accept,” Harper told him. “But there’s going to be lulls. Good and bad. Maybe sometimes she just isn’t going to be ready to tell you everything that’s going on with her.”

“Nice thought, but doesn’t really help Bellamy,” Murphy replied. 

Harper grimaced at that and added, “I’m sure it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s just the case though. Sometimes we just have to understand that things aren’t going to be perfect.”

At that, O snorted. “Easy for you to say. You know I love you Harper, but you don’t really get the shit I have to deal with, or what Bell’s going through.” Jasper shot her a look, but ignored it and went on, “Your life is perfect. You’re pregnant and married and ridiculously happy.”

Harper swallowed and shook her head. “It is far from perfect. Trust me. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m having a great life all the time. You think it’s perfect, really?” She sighed. “I know where you’re coming from, but did you know I’ve had to go off my meds since I got pregnant?” To that, O was silent. “Like I said. Far from perfect.”

His sister didn’t say anything for a moment, but eventually, she found the guts to apologize. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know...I guess I just assumed—”

“I know you didn’t,” Harper responded. “I just want to be clear that just because Clarke’s doing better doesn’t mean that _she’s_ better.”

Bellamy felt that her sentiment hit on the situation all too well. He worried that he was the reason for the setback. After everything they’d been through together, he knew she’d never tell him if he was, but the blame crept in, all the same. 

“This might seem obvious,” Jasper said. “But maybe...I mean, I’m sure you already have, but just talk to her? See if there’s something she’s comfortable with telling you? It might not be about what you think it is or has anything to do with you. Maybe she just needs to know that even when she goes into herself, you’ll still be there.”

Bellamy thought of Jasper’s own struggles, of the time when he had to hold up Monty after the other had been rushed to the hospital. It made sense, what his friend was saying. Even if he felt the guilt for what happened to Clarke, it wouldn’t change that _it happened_ to _her_. Jasper’s advice wouldn’t fix everything, but he hoped that following it would at least let her know that no matter what happened, she wouldn’t lose him. 

“I don’t want to pressure her,” he told Jasper. 

Jasper nodded. “I know that. And so does she, I think. But knowing Clarke, she probably doesn’t think she’s allowed to be upset about what happened, let alone tell us about it.”

Now, that certainly made sense to him. He knew if the roles were reversed, he’d be so consumed with not burdening anyone with his own pain, he’d try his best to shut it all out. 

“If anyone can get her to feel okay talking about it Bell, it’s you,” O cut in. She fiddled with her beer for a moment before adding, “You made it so I was forced to wake up and realize I needed to save my own life, but you never made me feel worthless for what I was going through.” 

He swallowed thickly. It wasn’t often that he and his sister talked about the year they didn’t speak. The one where he barely saw her and only knew she was alive because of Raven keeping tabs on her. 

“We’ve all been through hell and back, Clarke especially, but as long as she knows she can talk about it to you, I think it’ll be...Maybe not great, but at least not horrible.”

“How joyous,” Murphy deadpanned, but at least looked a little guilty when Emori kicked him under the table. 

Harper offered one of her warm smiles, the kind that Bellamy was amazed she still was able to give, after everything she’d experienced. “Things will get better. Every day, just a little. We just can’t give up.”

Bellamy agreed, he just wished he knew the best way to go about it. The perfect thing to say or do. But he knew his friends were right. There was no perfect course. There just was making sure that Clarke knew they were there for her, no matter how long it took for her to feel comfortable opening up. Things were complicated by them being _together_ in a way they’d never been before, But after his friends’ words, he felt uplifted, and as if everything wasn’t going to go to shit. Like maybe, just this once, things really would be okay one day.

Bellamy didn’t bring things up with Clarke. He didn’t have to. She brought it up with him. 

“Can we talk?” she asked as they drove away from Madi’s school after dropping her off.

He pulled out of the parking lot and nodded. “Of course.”

She let out a breath. “I don’t know where to start.”

Adjusting his hands on the steering wheel, he kept his eyes on the road, but he wished he could look at her. To try and figure out how she was feeling. What she wanted to say. Part of him was scared Murphy’d been right, even if he’d been joking. That she really was going to dump him. 

“You can tell me anything,” he went with. 

“I know.” He was comforted a bit by the sureness of her tone. She didn’t doubt him, which was all he could hope for. “And I also know you’ve noticed that I’ve..That I’ve pulled away from you a little recently.”

Bellamy swallowed. “I have.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Please,” he told her. “Don’t be.”

“But—”

“Clarke,” he interrupted. “It’s okay, alright? I understand why. Hell, I’d probably be doing something similar. I just want you to know you can tell me whatever you’re feeling or thinking. But you don’t have to. Not if you’re not ready.”

For the first time, he was thankful she chose to have the conversation while they were in the car. Somehow, it made things easier. Like there was less pressure on both of them. Maybe it wasn’t an ideal place to have the discussion, but he was thinking that that was why Clarke had picked it. They didn’t have to face one another because he found that he couldn’t in that moment. It occurred to him that this was a warning flag in some ways, but he pushed the thought aside. After all, she _was_ talking about it, and not because he’d brought it up. Rather, seemingly because she wanted to talk it through with him. That was enough. 

“I think I have to be,” she said. “Ready, I mean. I want to be, at least. I don’t want there to be secrets between us or you to feel like I don’t trust you. Because I do. More than myself.” 

He didn’t know what to do with that statement. It felt like so much, and yet nothing had changed, and she hadn’t told him it would. So, he stayed silent and decided to let her continue if she wanted. 

“I think I let my mom get in my head, honestly.” She huffed. “She means well, I know she does, but she said some stuff and I let it get to me. Let it get to _us_.” 

Bellamy didn’t want to, but he felt an intense flare of anger towards Abby. He didn’t know what she’d said, but it was easy enough to imagine. She didn’t say anything for a bit, and he realized she was waiting for his reaction. Quelling his emotions, he knew he had to ease her worries. 

“It’s okay.”

“Is it?” she asked.

“I mean…” he trailed off. “We knew this would be hard, right? And I know your mom’s just trying to help because she cares about you. So, yeah, stuff happens. I’m not upset at you for it.” 

He didn’t mention that Abby’s caring usually meant not liking him or his place in Clarke’s life. Of course, that hadn’t stopped her from leaning on him and his friends during the six years he’d believed Clarke to be gone. 

“Thank you.”

He shook his head a little. “There’s no reason to thank me.”

“I know,” she said. “But I feel like I have to. I know it doesn’t make any sense but...You’ve been really good to me, and I’m just confused.”

Bellamy frowned. “About what?” 

“Why are you even with me? Why not pick someone easier? Someone who isn’t a complete disaster?” she let out, her voice shaking a little. 

It didn’t seem rational, didn’t seem possible, that she could question something like that. But then again, after all that she’d experienced, he wondered if rationality wasn’t something that was always within her grasp. The first night they’d spent together, everything seemed so vivid and amazing. Things were always going to be difficult for them, he understood that and accepted it. He wouldn’t change being with Clarke for all the hardships in the world. Still, her words gave him pause. He thought he’d assured her over the past couple of weeks that all he wanted was to make her happy, but maybe he hadn’t made it clear just how happy _she_ made _him_. 

“Why am I even with you?” he repeated. “How could you not…” He shook his head, realizing the path he was going down might be too much for her to handle. “I don’t want to freak you out,” he confessed.

“I know, but you can tell me anything too.” She paused. “I won’t break. I promise.”

It was the slightest assurance, but it allowed him to push forward. “I’ve wanted this. Us. For a really long time. I’ve thought about this more than is probably good for me. What it would be like, to try this with you. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted anything so badly.” Her silence made him worry. “Shit, is this too much?”

“No,” she said quickly. “I kind of figured it might’ve been...I mean, I think a part of me always knew.”

That made his cheeks heat up a bit and he hoped she didn’t notice. He didn’t even know why he was embarrassed. Somehow though, her telling him that she’d known how he felt for a long time made him feel like a kid again. It was also comforting, too, in some strange way. 

Reassured enough, he went on, “There’s just no version of this in which I’m not getting some kind of dream out of this. You.” He swallowed. “Us.”

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye as they hit a red light. There was a bit of shock and maybe awe on her face. “Yeah?” 

It was the slight hesitation in her tone that made him nod. She sighed and he thought that would be it. Perhaps not the best or most detailed talks they’d ever had, but they’d at least acknowledged she was pulling away and what led to it. But it was something. Which was why he was more than a little shocked when she continued after a long beat. 

“When I tried to escape with Madi about three years in they separated us for a whole month. I thought…” Clarke stopped and he knew it was to stop herself from crying. “They made me think she was dead. That it was my fault.”

“You don’t have to—” he started. 

“I know,” she said immediately. “I want to though. I want to tell you because you’re the only one that will help me feel grounded after I say it. I want you to know.” 

He breathed out, “Okay.”

They pulled into the driveway of the house and he put the car in park. They just sat there for a moment before Clarke started to speak again. 

“Is _this_ too much?” she asked. 

He looked over at her, finally able to take her in. “No.” She didn’t look convinced, so he said, “I can handle it. It might hurt and be a lot to take in. If it helps you, if it helps bring us closer, then I’ll listen.” 

She chewed on her lip. “They put us back together eventually. I thought I’d lost my mind when I saw her, but when I realized it was real it was the best I felt in years. I never would’ve made it, if it wasn’t for Madi.”

The implications of the statement led to tight knots forming in the pit of Bellamy’s stomach. He hated the thought that she’d believed her one salvation in captivity had been cruelly taken away from her. Hated that they’d let her believe that as if they hadn’t hurt her enough already. Mostly, he hated himself for being the reason she was in the situation at all. 

“I don’t tell you any of this so you’ll blame yourself or think that you don’t deserve me,” she told him. But he felt both of those things so strongly, he had to look away. 

“I’ll always blame myself,” he admitted without thinking it through. 

He looked up at her, half-ashamed of what he’d said. She clenched her jaw. “I don’t want you to.”

“I know.” He rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I don’t know how not to though. I know that’s not fair to you.”

“It’s not fair to either one of us,” she corrected. “I don’t want you punishing yourself for what happened to me.” Clarke must’ve seen the guilt there, the pain he put himself through for years, because her eyes sparked with anger and steadfast stubbornness. “I’m proud—”

“Please don’t say it,” he got out. 

She didn’t say it, but that didn’t stop her from telling him, “I am. Because you lived. Because our friends lived. Our family. And I know I’m not what I once was, but I’m here okay.” 

She reached out and took his hand, and he let her grasp it tightly in her much smaller one. “I’m here and if you keep blaming yourself for what happened we’ll never be able to move past it. And I want to tell you about it. Not just because it’s all bad. Because there were some good moments, too. I want to tell you because all that time we spent apart, I just pictured everything I’d say to you if I ever saw you again. And I don’t know if we can ever be okay, after everything, but I want to try. I want to _try with you_. So, please, just tell me you’ll try with me.”

Their eyes met and he wondered if he looked as gutted as he felt. Going by her expression, probably worse. He squeezed her hand and that seemed to halt her from saying anything more. Since she’d been back, he’d been telling himself that he didn’t need to be the one taken care of, but slowly, she’d been doing as much for him as he tried to do for her. A million things could go wrong between them, but if she wanted to open up, if she wanted to tell all of those things to go to hell, then he would find the strength to do the same. 

“I will.” She let out a relieved sigh. “I can’t promise it will always work or that I will ever be able to escape that guilt, but I _do_ want to try it.” 

He smiled, not all sad. “It would be nice, to have a break from the crippling self-hatred spiral.” At that, Clarke laughed a little, but he saw she understood he was half-serious. 

“That sounds good,” she affirmed. She sniffed and he wondered if she wasn’t trying to force down tears. He felt like he might cry as well. But there would be better times for that. This time, he just wanted one of their conversations to be as painless as possible. 

“Okay for now?” he asked, just in case she wanted to talk more.

Clarke nodded. “Yeah...Let’s go inside though. I’m starving.”

He let himself grin. “Guess I’m cooking then.”

She scoffed, a little dramatically. “I am perfectly capable of making my own food.” Bellamy snorted and she chuckled. “Fine, fine.” She raised her hands in defeat. “I totally expect you to make me breakfast.”

“That’s more like it.” Even with their previous words hanging over them, he craved the lightness of the moment. That things could be easy between them, even as they weren’t at all. 

“Shut up,” she shot back as she got out of the car. 

“This is the thanks I get for being a live-in chef?” He tsked his tongue against his teeth. 

Bumping her shoulder against him, they were still half-laughing when they opened the door. It had been locked, Bellamy would remember later, so the state they found the house was even more of a complete shock. 

It was a disaster.

The chairs were overturned and there were papers everywhere from where cabinets had been dumped out. The TV was missing from the living room. As was Madi’s laptop Bellamy knew she’d left out on the coffee table. There were other things that were now gone too. The high-tech blender Murphy’d given them two weeks after Clarke moved in. The jewelry O had left in the kitchen by accident when she came over and failed at baking cookies with Madi last week. 

They’d been robbed, and pretty extensively, too. 

Clarke spoke first, letting out a shaky breath, “I don’t understand.”

Bellamy tensed, thoughts of fear and concern filled his mind as he realized whoever did this could come back. That they weren’t as safe as they thought. He reached out and pulled Clarke against his side. She was shaking a little. 

“I”m gonna call everyone. Then I’ll get a security system in place as soon as possible. We’ll make sure it’s safe, okay?” 

She nodded silently and then seemed to come into herself. “Fuck,” she said. “No, no, no.” Then she went racing up the stairs. He followed.

When she got to her room, or their room, really, she went to the bedside table and cursed loudly. 

“Clarke—”

She turned and faced him, tears in her eyes. “They took my dad’s watch, Bellamy. I...It was the only thing I had from home all those years in Azgeda and now it’s gone and I—” She shook her head and then practically collapsed against him. 

“It’ll be okay,” he told her as he held her, sure of his words even if she couldn’t believe them yet. 

Whatever it took, he’d make sure things were safe at home again. But part of him ached for her losing her dad’s watch. For the other things they couldn’t replace that they didn’t even know were missing yet. He couldn’t give that stuff back to her, no matter how he managed to make things safe again. 

* * *

Everyone came over, and then eventually they agreed to call the local precinct, though they debated it for a while since there probably wasn’t anything they could do but file a report. The officer that came over told them there weren’t any other robberies in the area, which was a little strange. 

To make things worse, Clarke and her friends had checked all of the windows and doors. There was no clear entry point. So, Bellamy started blaming himself that he hadn’t locked the door. But she knew that he had. Dread pooled in her stomach, already drawing the conclusion she didn’t want to face. 

“Does anyone else have a key?” Harper asked. 

Clarke went to answer, but Emori cut in, “They could’ve messed with the lock. If we’re dealing with professionals, then they would be able to get in without leaving a trace.”

“They left a mess though,” Lincoln pointed out. “This place...It reminds me of the shit people I used to hang with would get into. It’s chaotic. Definitely not an organized robbery.”

Then Monty got a call. He took it in the kitchen, and when he came back out, he swallowed. “That was a pawn shop just outside of town. Two people were selling a bunch of stuff from here. Octavia’s jewelry and Madi’s laptop.”

“That’s great,” Miller said. “Means we can nail their asses.”

Monty glanced at Clarke, there was dread there. 

“What?” she asked. 

“They’re low-level drug dealers. They’re giving their statements now.”

She nodded. All she cared about was getting her dad’s watch back. She didn’t even care how they’d gotten in. She just wanted it to be over.

Monty wasn’t done yet, though. “Clarke…”

Harper frowned. “What’s wrong? And how’d they get into Clarke’s place and—”

The answer was right there, and she knew it before Monty even said the words, so she answered for him. “My mother,” she said. “My mother told them to do it.”

Monty nodded. “Yeah.”

“How the hell—” Raven started as Clarke sank onto the couch. 

“I gave her a key,” she said, unable to look at any of them out of shame. “I thought things were going okay. I believed her when she told me…” She swallowed. “When she told me that this time would be different.” She wiped at her nose, refusing to let herself cry over this. “Do they know where she is?”

Monty shook his head. “Her room at the halfway house is basically empty.”

“Right.” Her voice didn’t even sound like her own. It sounded far away and weak and all of the things her mother could do to her that Clarke wondered if she was starting to hate her for. 

“We’re not exactly sure what happened,” Jasper said.

Octavia snorted. Lincoln shot her a look and she told Clarke, “Sorry.”

She just nodded in response, unable to make the words come. How could she blame Octavia or Raven? They’d been right about Abby, after all. 

“I know I…” Raven sighed. “I wanted her to be different this time too, Clarke. I don’t want you to think this is a win for me.”

She heard herself say something to reassure the other, but she couldn’t remember what it was. Vaguely, she was aware of everyone trying to clean up the house around her. Of them making plans to get the stuff they could back. While all her friends worked to help her, she was useless. At some point, Harper suggested she go lie down and she was too tired to argue with her. 

When she woke up, her friends were still there. Someone had gotten Madi from school. She was in her room doing homework, and Clarke decided to leave her be and went downstairs. The house was clean and someone had ordered pizza. 

“Any idea where my mom is?” she asked as she sat down at the table. 

Clarke didn’t have much hope of locating her. After concluding that Abby was the one behind the robbery, she wasn’t sure she even wanted to. Somehow though, she was still worried, and a piece of her, no matter how small or eclipsed by the pain and betrayal, wanted her mom safe. 

“She got picked up,” Miller said. 

It took a couple of seconds for it to register. “Oh.”

“The precinct called and then...” Emori sucked on her teeth. “She called Bellamy for her phone call. Explained she was in debt with a dealer and gave them the key.”

“What are the charges?” Clarke already felt exhausted all over again and ached for her bed. 

Murphy sighed. “Possession. She had some pills on her. And conspiracy to commit robbery for the theft. She admitted to it all, so you know, not much we can do but wait until sentencing.”

The decision to help her mom wasn’t an easy one, but how could she fight it? “What’s her bail?”

At that, Octavia looked up in surprise. Echo shot a glance at Raven, who was staring at Clarke as if she couldn’t believe her words. Maybe she couldn’t. 

“Clarke…” Miller trailed off.

“What?” she asked. 

“She’s a flight risk and this is her second strike. They’re not setting bail,” he explained.

“And even if they did, you think we’d let you post it?” Raven asked. 

Clarke shook her head. “It wouldn’t be your decision. I’ll call in the morning. See what I can do about setting bail.”

“They won’t,” Bellamy said. 

No one added onto that, so she crossed her arms over her chest and asked, “And why the hell not?”

“Because _I’m_ the one that told them not to.” He did look guilty about it, but not enough that he looked like he regretted it. Not completely. Not enough. 

“What?” she demanded.

Everyone else in the room looked as if they’d rather be back in a warzone than deal with the fallout, but no one made an excuse to leave. Of course, she should’ve figured. Bellamy hadn’t made the decision to keep her mom locked up on his own. Her friends were backing him up in case she lost it. Just the thought made her seethe with anger. 

“What if you’d been here?” he asked instead of answering her. “They could’ve done something much worse than just rob you.”

Her mouth pressed into a thin line. “From the sound of it, the guys my mom owed weren’t exactly criminal masterminds.”

“What about Madi?” he challenged. 

“Don’t even—” but he cut her off. 

“Be realistic? Come on, even if they’re low level, we don’t know what they would’ve done. Anything could’ve happened, and you think your mom gave them the key with instructions on how to rob you politely?”

He was right and they both knew it and a piece of her wanted to hate him for it. “You had no right, Bellamy. Absolutely no right.”

He seemed just as pissed as she was now, and she almost enjoyed it. There really was something wrong with her, she thought. “I had every right!”

“How the fuck do you think that?” she shouted, knowing that Madi would be able to hear but not bothering to care about any of it. Not even how it made Jasper flinch a little. 

“I’m trying to keep you and Madi safe, alright? Even if that means protecting you from your own mother.”

“I don’t need protecting,” she argued.

“I was just trying to keep you and Madi safe,” he said. “Maybe it was fucked up and over-stepping, but she sent drug dealers to your house, Clarke. To steal your stuff. To steal your dad’s watch. They destroyed your place, and your mom let them. To help herself.”

She hated him. She needed to hate him. Because if she didn’t, then she had to hate her mom. Clarke knew he was right, and that he had a point. Even if she contested that he didn’t have a right, she knew he saw things differently. Knew he’d blame himself for any pain she’d experienced, and this was just one more thing. Her mom was a wreck and she hadn’t seen it or hadn’t wanted to see it. She wondered if it wasn’t him or her mom she hated, but herself.

“You did a fuck up job of it,” she replied, unable to look at him anymore as she went storming towards the door. 

“Clarke—” Harper started, but she held up a hand. 

“Don’t. I know you all made this choice without even speaking to me about it. I don’t know which of you I hate more right now.” Her eyes were burning with cold rage as she assessed them. She turned to Monty. “Can you watch Madi for an hour?” He didn’t say a word, but he nodded. Finally, she let her gaze fall on Bellamy. “I’m going to see my mom. And when I get back, I don’t want you here.”

Clarke didn’t have the guts to look back when she slammed the door behind her, leaving it rattling in the frame. If she did, she would’ve seen how much she hurt him with her dismissal. The pain threatened to drown out any other emotion she had. Not even the anger made an impact. It was wave after crashing wave of despair and loss and loneliness so pronounced she choked on it. 

Once at the precinct, she had to beg to let them see her mom. Even then, the Desk Sergeant said it was a favor for her father, and that he owed her. She really wasn’t looking forward to telling him that, but she had to see her mom. To prove to herself that nearly wrecking things with Bellamy and the rest of them was worth it. 

They put them in an interrogation room. Her mom came in and it took everything for Clarke to keep her mouth from dropping open. Clearly, she was high, or had very recently been high and just started to come down. 

“Mom?” she whispered.

Abby used a shaking hand to move a lock of hair out of her face. “You shouldn’t have come, honey.”

“I had to. When I found out they weren’t posting bail, I was so angry. I’m so sorry. But we’ll figure something out.”

When she didn’t reply, Clarke moved towards her and took one of her hands in hers. 

“I knew I was right about Bellamy,” was her mom’s reply. 

Her brow furrowed. “What?”

“He’s the reason I’m still here, did he tell you that?”

Clarke swallowed. “He did. We fought. He didn’t have any right to do that.”

Her mother smoothed down her blonde hair and cupped her cheek. “I told you not to be with him. Now, look at what happened.”

She sighed. “I know you’re mad at him but…” She had to force herself to say it. “He didn’t make you send those guys to the house. I think he was just scared. I know it doesn’t fix anything—”

“ _Clarke_. I could go to jail this time, do you know that?” Abby’s tone made her stiffen. It didn’t feel right. Not at all how she wanted this moment to go. She hadn’t even mentioned why she’d been arrested. What she’d done to Clarke. 

She nodded gravely. “I know. But it’s not Bellamy’s fault that you—”

“Oh, so it’s my fault?” her mom demanded.

“Well…”

“Oh, honey…” There was something weird about her mom’s voice, a quality to it Clarke had never heard before. It sounded off and all kinds of wrong, even though her voice wasn’t always soft and soothing. 

“I know you don’t understand because you’ve been gone so long. But I’m sick. I haven’t had anyone for so long. And then I get you back except you were so busy with Bellamy and Madi and I...I wanted it to work, I really did.”

“I know,” she said, but now she wasn’t so sure that she did, really. Had that ever been clear to her, that Abby really wanted it to work? She’d said the words, yes, but when it actually came down to _making_ it work...It hadn’t happened. It’d fallen apart before Clarke could even blink. 

“It can just all collapse so quickly. You know how it can be.” Abby smiled sadly. As if the two of them were sharing some sadness they had in common. 

Clarke bit her lip. “I’m not sure I do.”

“You’re like me. Things just...They don’t work out for us. Not because we don’t want them to or because we don’t try. We try our hardest, everyone knows we do. But it doesn’t matter. We’re just not the kind of people that get the kind of life that most people do. We’re built for pain, not joy.”

The words settled in and took root faster than she thought possible. They infected every ounce of her until she felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

“I don’t want that kind of life. I know you’ve been through a lot Mom, I _know,_ okay? But I’m not that. I’m not you.” Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks and her mom nodded with overdone sympathy. 

“I know you think that you aren’t, but can you tell me that you’ve been completely happy since you got back? That you’re having the kind of life that makes you feel as if you’re at your best?”

She paused. “I...Madi and Bellamy they’ve been—”

Her mom tsked her tongue. “You just told me that you and Bellamy are fighting. And Madi’s acting up at school. Honestly, tell me you’re fulfilled with this life. That you even feel like _you_.”

“I am me!” Clarke burst out. 

Abby didn’t waver. “Are you really? Think about it. Think about why it’s taking you so long to adjust. So long for things to feel right and like you’re yourself again. Because it’s all wrong, and it’s never going to change. Maybe you can hide from it and re-enlist. Or find something else that drives you. But face it Clarke, you may think you’re better than me, but we’re the same. The difference is that I accepted it a long time ago.”

“I am _nothing like you_!” she shouted, her voice going hoarse. “Nothing like you,” she repeated. 

Her mother pressed her lips together as if Clarke was having a temper tantrum from her childhood. “Oh, Clarke...” 

But she didn’t wait around to hear what she had to say. She was already running out of the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> [here's the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=nkb37ApGTv2TD_hrYgh-ZA)


	10. Knocking On Heavens Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies!! here is another update. these will probably come pretty often from here on out since this story is really already written. this one follows the immediate aftermath of the previous chapter and ends on a bit of a cliffhanger. it also gets.....angtsy. hope you still enjoy it though!
> 
> "chapter title from 'Knocking on Heavens Door' by RAIGN*
> 
> sending good thoughts and love to you all 💖💜💙

Clarke made it back to her place less than an hour after she left. Before she went inside, she did her best to hide the fact that she’d been crying, but she knew Monty wouldn’t buy it. Hopefully, he’d let it go. When she opened the door though it wasn’t Monty waiting for her. 

It was Bellamy. 

She didn’t know why she was the least bit surprised. Even after she’d been cold to him, told him to leave, he didn’t. The fact made her want to start crying all over again. 

He stood abruptly when she came in and then sat back down and then stood up again. If they hadn’t been fighting, it would’ve been funny. Cute, even. But their last words, spoken in anger at the other, prevented any notion of that. 

Taking a breath, it was a moment before he spoke. “I know you told me you didn’t want me here, but Harper was feeling dizzy and Monty was worried so I let them go. If you want me gone, I’ll leave right now.”

Clarke didn’t have the strength to look at him. She fiddled with her keys to avoid it. “Do you want to leave?”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Of course not.”

She looked up at him and took a shaky breath. “Then you can stay. But…” She swallowed. “I want to talk about what happened. I don’t want to just...Pretend like it’s okay when we both know that it isn’t.”

Abby’s words still haunted her, made her believe that Bellamy might cut and run even when he’d assured her he wouldn’t. She owed it to him to try though, maybe even owed it to herself. If she really believed she wasn’t like her mother, then she had to at least make an attempt and talk things out with him. 

“Okay.” 

Bellamy practically collapsed back into the chair he’d been sitting in. She took the one across from him and rubbed her hands over her jeans. It was nerve-wracking and uncomfortable. Not at all the kind of conversation they usually had. So easy and effortless, like they already knew what the other was going to say. Maybe she could guess a little, but really, she didn’t have even the smallest clue what he wanted to tell her. 

“Do you want to go first?” she asked. 

“It might be better if you did,” he replied and she nodded. 

Clarke agreed with him, but she didn’t vocalize that. Part of her didn’t want to go first because it was so much already, on top of how the rest of the night had gone. She wanted someone to tuck her into bed and hold her and let her ignore all of her problems. But they’d already been trying that, and it had blown up. They couldn’t hide from her mom, nor the fight they’d had because of her. As much as she wanted to hide from it all, she had to confront it. 

“I know why you did what you did.” She paused. “I mean, I can guess, you know? And I get it. If it was any of one us, I would’ve probably done the same thing.” 

The guilt on his face seemed to alleviate a little at that, but it returned when she continued, “But I still don’t think you had the right to ensure my mom would be denied bail.” 

She waved a hand. “I’m not some damsel in distress, okay? I’m not a princess. Yes, I’ve been through a lot, but so have all of us. It doesn’t mean I can’t handle things. It doesn’t mean I want to not handle the problems in my life. I’m perfectly capable, and you made me feel like I wasn’t. I am sorry though, for how I reacted. For the things I said to you, and how I said them.”

It took her a long while to get all of the words out, and she faltered in places and couldn’t always look at him as she said it, but she was proud of herself that she managed to get it all out. Maybe some of it didn’t make sense to him, but she hoped he’d at least understand where she was coming from. Clarke might’ve been a lot of things, but she wasn’t weak. She knew that he would never intend to make her feel that way, but he had. 

“I never wanted to hurt _you_ , Clarke,” he started. “And I’m sorry that I did.” While she’d already known that, the words were still nice to hear. 

He didn’t say anything for a moment, and she worried maybe he didn’t feel like he could. So, she assured him as much as she could. “I know you didn’t.” 

Rubbing a hand over his mouth he let out a long breath. “I hate that I made you feel like you weren’t capable though, that I made you think I would ever believe that. Because I’d never want to and I never would.” 

She didn’t know if he would acknowledge that she brought up her mom, or if it was too much too soon, but he did. “I’m angry at your mom. I’m sure that’s not a surprise.” It wasn’t, and after their exchange at the precinct, she was pretty goddamn mad at Abby herself. 

“She hurt you, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much worse it could’ve been. So, yeah, I made that call to interfere, and I don’t know if I can regret it.” 

That wasn’t a shock, but it still was a lot to process. She had made her feelings clear, and they were both standing their ground. It hadn’t been something she expected him to cave on, but it wasn’t going to go away easily, and that scared her. “To be clear though, I think you’re more than capable of handling everything that seems to just continuously go wrong. I just don’t think that you should have to.”

His voice was as raw as she felt. Even though nothing had truly been resolved yet, she already felt lighter. At least they’d both admitted how they felt and apologized for the pain they’d caused the other. It wasn’t everything, not in the least, but it was a start. 

“I guess I do have a small tendency to take everything on by myself,” she admitted, chewing on her lip. 

He huffed a little, and she was surprised it made her smile. When she glanced up at him, he was smiling, too, but only the smallest bit. 

“A small one?”

She laughed at that. “Very funny. Besides, you’re one to talk about taking responsibility for everything.”

“Fair enough.” He tilted his head to the side and she knew they were going to have to be serious once more. 

“I don’t want to shut you out, but it’s easier to do that for me, Bellamy. You know how it is.” He nodded and felt her resolve strengthen as she went on, “How my relationships are, whether with friends or family or...Love.” She winced. “They blow up, and usually, it’s my fault.”

He shook his head. “Not usually. Come on...”

“Fine, the first time around with Finn was all him,” she allowed. 

Bellamy sighed. “That’s all I’m gonna get, right?”

“You know it,” she quipped. 

A piece of her worried they weren’t being serious enough, that they were avoiding something by joking around, but she was too relieved that they could still laugh with one another to dwell on it too much. Maybe it wasn’t normal or what her therapist would recommend. Maybe it wouldn’t even help, in the long run, but it felt like them, and it was easier. She didn’t feel like she had to force out the words as much. 

Bellamy said, as slowly as she had spoken earlier, “I’m not scared of you shutting me out, but rather...The reason why.” 

Her brows knit together and he paused for a moment. 

He hesitated, but eventually, continued. “I get it in my head that I don’t say the right things or am there for you the way you need me. That you need someone better, more well-equipped and understanding and not as…” He gestured to himself. “Me. The thing I’m most worried about is that I’m not enough for you.”

Clarke didn’t know what to do with that for a bit. How to respond or how he could even think those things about himself. But then, once she thought it over, she realized that of course, he would. It was just like him to think that _he_ was the one who wasn’t enough for _her_. Really, it was the other way around, not that he would’ve ever agreed with her about that. Without even voicing it, she could hear his protests. His words of affirmation and dedication and...Something more that terrified her. 

“You’re more than enough,” she argued. When he didn’t look even the smallest bit convinced, she went on, “I know it isn’t easy for us to think that, especially with everything falling apart right now. I know that it’s easier to say that you’re not what I need or want, but you _are_.”

She leaned forward so to get closer to him. “I don’t have anyone else in my life who I trust like you, who I know I can tell anything to, without freaking out about what their reaction will be. I know you’ll just be there for me. And that’s not just enough. That’s everything.”

Bellamy turned sheepish at that, and she knew he didn’t quite believe her words. Not because she thought he doubted her, but rather, because they meant so much. Clarke wanted him to know that she meant it, even if it scared her. So, she got out of her chair and went over to him, kneeling down and taking one of his hands in hers. 

“It freaks me out, but I do mean it,” she said. 

He nodded. “I know you do.”

Her heart quickened from the spark of anxiety that he might not have wanted her to say those things. That it might’ve been too much. That she’d blurted out more than he was ready to hear. “Is it...I mean, do you not—”

He anticipated her feelings before she even voiced them, shaking his head and giving her this look. All soft. “Clarke, no it’s not...I guess it’s just hard for me to believe it. To think that even though I pissed you off tonight and neither one of us still even agrees about it that you still want me anyways.”

Suddenly being just close to him wasn’t enough. Standing up, she took his face in her hands and kissed him, softly as she ever had. His hands rested on her hips and she let herself settle into his lap. 

“Of course, I want you,” she nearly whispered. “I can’t imagine a world in which I don’t, honestly.” 

The words were a lot for her to admit, but they somehow came easily. The next part took some effort, but she went for it and didn’t even feel the least bit sick after. 

“Would you, um...Do you wanna go out?” She wrinkled her nose, the offer felt so foreign. “Just the two of us? You know, food, drinks, that kind of thing?” When he didn’t say anything, she quickly added, “No worries if you don’t want to.”

“Clarke…” He shook his head, he was grinning so much she returned it immediately and then had to hide it by kissing him on the cheek. “I want to, as long as you’re sure.”

And she was. At that moment, she really was sure about it. Him. All of it. 

* * *

Bellamy didn’t think he’d be nervous to go out with Clarke, but he was, all the same. They were going to a fancy new place that he’d never been to before, and he felt antsy and restless the entire day leading up to the date. Miller made fun of him practically throughout their entire inventory meeting. 

Even the two new bartenders, Fox and Sterling, started teasing him about it. If he wasn’t so happy, he probably would’ve told them all to go to hell. But he _was_ happy. Things after Abby still weren’t great, but they were both committed to trying. He hoped that night would give them a chance to just have fun for once. 

When they got to the restaurant, they got a drink at the bar first. He felt self-conscious the minute they walked in the door but didn’t have the guts to say anything to Clarke about it. The place was so far from something either one of them would’ve picked. But it felt like they were supposed to be doing this. It was still a first date, after all. Which, granted, was a little ridiculous after everything they’d been through. 

He had imagined his first date with Clarke perhaps a little too much. He’d pictured it a thousand different ways. But it was never...Awkward. Which was definitely what it felt like as it was finally actually happening. 

Bellamy swirled his drink and Clarke went to say something but then stopped herself. God help them, he thought to himself, they were hopeless. 

“It’s okay,” he told her. “I think we can both acknowledge that this is...Bad.”

She breathed out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god.”

He laughed a little. “I honestly wasn’t expecting this.”

“Me neither!” she burst out. “Like, it’s _really_ bad, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, eliciting a laugh from them both. 

“Why are we like this?” she asked. “I mean, we know one another so well. It should be easy, right?”

He shrugged, a little helpless. “It might be me.”

“If it’s you, then it’s me, too,” she argued. 

He didn’t disagree, he wasn’t about to let go of that lifeline. If she wanted them both to take the blame for their first date failing, then he’d appreciate the team effort. There had to be some want to salvage it, though. At least, he hoped there was. 

“Do you want—”

“Yes,” she said before he could finish. 

He gave her a look and she grinned. “You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“Yes, I do.” She was entirely too smug, and entirely too cute for him to even roll his eyes. “You were gonna say, ‘Do you wanna get out of here and go to that disgusting diner you love?’” 

He could only huff in reply.

“Ha,” she said, victorious. “I was _so_ right.”

“You’re making me rethink getting out of here,” he grumbled. 

She bumped her shoulder against his. He was helpless against her. They paid their drink bill as fast as they could and got the hell out of that place. 

Clarke sighed, content, as they arrived at the diner. “God, I felt like I couldn’t even breathe in there.”

“You’re right,” he teased. “They definitely passed way too many health inspections for your taste.”

She hushed him, warning that they could get banned for life or something that definitely wasn’t going to happen, as they got to their usual booth and ordered. He played along though. Maybe just because he knew how much she loved the place, but mostly because it felt so good to be somewhere that didn’t make him feel like a fake. 

If the other restaurant had been like gasping for air, treading water on a stormy sea, the diner was their lazy river. It was simple, not all that different from the other meals they’d eaten there together. In fact, they both got their usual food. But he reminded himself just because things looked the same, didn’t mean they had to feel that way, too. 

For one, he was allowed to look at her now. The first time they’d had sex, she’d told him that it was different when he looked at her. He knew the context of it had been about her body and the physical shit, but he hoped it applied to other circumstances too. She caught his eye when she paused, mid-dipping a fry in her horrid mayo and ketchup combo and flushed a little. 

“What?”

It was his turn to flush. He stabbed at some chicken parmigiana. “Nothing just…” He laughed nervously. “You just look really beautiful.”

“When I’m stuffing my face with fries? Bellamy,” she said, her tone teasing, and he rolled his eyes. “You do realize you’re getting laid tonight regardless of how many compliments you give, right?”

He snorted. “This is the thanks I get for trying to be nice.” 

“Baby.”

He shook his head. “Maybe you’re not getting laid, ever think of that?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re mean, you know that? You’re a bully.”

“I’m the bully?” he asked, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. 

She picked up another fry and took a prim bite of it. “Yep.”

“You need a dictionary?” 

“Why would I need one when I have a phone?” She practically cackled. “You really _are_ a dinosaur.”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “I will walk out of here right now.”

“You would never,” she retorted.

He moved to stand up but just as he did so she started laughing in full. “Please, Bell, oh my god,” she let out in between laughs. He took a moment before he sat back down, not without a dash of dramatics. 

They got talking about other things. Clarke had questions about the bar, and he knew she was inadvertently testing him out to see if he needed any extra hands. While she was still focusing on therapy and Madi and getting her life back, he could tell she was anxious to be doing something with her days too. If she wanted, he’d hire her immediately, but he could tell she wasn’t yet sure if she was ready. Besides, he was sure if she wanted, she could do more than work at a bar. He liked the work, it was true, but she was _Clarke_. She could do anything. 

When he told her as much, her eyes shined. 

“I mean it.”

“I know you do.” She let out a soft laugh. “You’re gonna make me cry in here, and then I’ll never be able to come back.”

While he was glad that his words could have such an impact, he wanted to keep tonight as light as possible. “Please, they’ve definitely seen worse.”

She blew out a breath, smirking a little. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Oh, of course,” he said, mocking her just a bit. 

“You’re so annoying,” she told him.

He shrugged. “You like me anyway.”

Clarke’s smile went soft and her eyes brightened. He felt himself return the look with one of his own. “Yeah, I do.”

They finished eating and drove home. Madi was having her first sleepover at a friend’s house. She’d texted Clarke just as they got back from the diner that everything was going well. Something she’d said made Clarke laugh, and when she showed him, he snorted. Madi had told her there was no need to call in another SEAL team. 

Maybe joking about her captivity was a little off-color, but the fact that she was comfortable doing it, and the fact that Clarke could laugh too, it meant so much for their recovery. Bellamy understood there were still ways to go, that there might be things either one of them never fully got over. But he’d take any of the small victories there were. 

They went upstairs and once he’d helped her out of her dress, she pulled him close and kissed him, hard. 

“I think I did mention something about getting laid earlier,” she murmured against his mouth. 

“Could’ve just been teasing,” he replied. 

She pulled away just the slightest bit and looked up at him through her lashes. “I think we both know who the tease is.”

Sometimes, he really couldn’t believe that this thing between them was really happening. That he was lucky enough to laugh with her and kiss her, and yeah, touch her, too. 

“You’re an asshole.” But even as he said it, one of his hands was in her hair and he was reaching down to kiss her.

He couldn’t bring himself to live up to her words too much that night, even though he tried. She just looked so damn good. And her sounds of praise and pleasure drove him over harder than he ever thought possible. Clarke didn’t compare to anyone else. With her, it was all new and exciting, every time. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to what it was like, being with her. Feeling her as she tumbled over the edge or the way she slanted her mouth over his when he came down too. 

Before, sex between them had been hot and intense and so many things. Amazing things. But tonight, it was _fun_. They laughed their ways through orgasms and in between rounds poked fun at one another, only to start themselves back up again with drifting hands and mouths. They didn’t constantly worry that the other was doing something wrong or get pulled out of the moment by their own thoughts and insecurities. It was effortless. 

Bellamy knew it couldn’t always be like this, that it just wasn’t a reality and he told himself that that would be okay. But he couldn’t stop himself from loving every moment of it. From loving how happy she looked and he felt. From loving _her_. 

Once they were truly spent, his thoughts were dangerous ones. Because he wanted to tell her. Had wanted to tell her for so long now it was comical. But was she ready? He didn’t know. He wouldn’t say it until she was, had promised himself that when she’d come back to him. The words were right there though, and they’d feel so right at this moment. 

Clarke sensed that he was lost in his own head because she leaned up on her side and asked, “Is everything alright?”

He smoothed the furrow between her brow and she smiled at the contact. “Perfect.”

She snorted but kissed him lightly. “You’re such a sap after sex.”

“Am not,” he protested. 

She poked him a little in the arm. “You most definitely are.” He rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry.” Smirking, she added, “It’s very cute.”

“I hope so.”

She laughed into his shoulder as she got closer and he curled a hand around her waist. Maybe he could test it out. Just a little. If she wasn’t ready, she would tell him, and then he could relax and let the thought go. It took him a bit to pluck up the courage. 

“I’m really happy,” he said into her hair. 

She sat up and he figured she sensed where he was going and was about to shut it down before either one of them got hurt. 

But she didn’t. Instead, she grinned. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah...I know tonight didn’t start out perfect.” She made a face at that and it made him laugh. “But it turned out pretty okay.”

“Pretty okay?” She shook her head. “And here I was thinking it was amazing.”

He licked his lips to give himself time to register her words, for them to wash over him and not blurt out what he wanted to say right then. “You do?”

“Maybe not anymore…” she trailed off, her voice with just a hint of teasing. And then, “But yeah. God, Bellamy. I know it’s been hard, especially recently. We still don’t know what’s gonna happen with my mom and I’m still a mess and it’s a lot. But right now? I’m happy.” She swallowed. “You make me _so_ happy. I never thought I would, after all those years. But you make my life. You make _me_...Light.”

“It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do,” he let out. When she didn’t move away at that, just widened her eyes a little, he took it as a good sign. He reached up and cupped her cheek. She placed her own hand on top of his and closed her eyes for a second. They looked into one another’s eyes and she must’ve seen something in his because she took a shaky breath. 

“You can say it.” She blinked rapidly. “I mean...If you want to, that is. If you even feel it. I didn’t mean to—”

He was shaking his head though and smiled so much it hurt. “ _Clarke_. I do. I always have.”

Her eyes sparked with something so special he wanted to bottle it. He wanted to do whatever it took for her to have that look for her to have that look as much as possible. He’d give anything for it. 

“Have what?” she asked. 

He took a breath. “I’m in love with you. I think a part of me always has been, even in the beginning. I don’t expect you to say it back now, or even ever. Not if you’re not ready. But you’re everything to me. And I don’t want to freak you out, but I love you so fucking much, Clarke.” 

At the words, she pressed her lips softly to his for just a second before she pulled away. A tear slipped out of her eye and down her cheek. There would never be another moment like this one. This would always be one of the best, one of the most perfect and happiest and all the words he didn’t have to describe it. He never fully believed he’d get to tell her that he loved her, but now he had, and she wasn’t running away. She was still in his arms and he had hope. That maybe, even if it was a long time from now, once things were better, she might say it back. 

“Now who’s the sap?” he whispered. 

She gasped out a laugh as he wiped away the tears. “Shut up and kiss me.”

He did as she asked. 

* * *

The next night, Clarke couldn’t sleep. Not just because Bellamy wasn’t there, having to work late at the bar that night. His words from the previous night echoed in her head over and over. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

In some ways, she had always known it was the truth, especially since she’d been back. They’d been dancing around it for months, neither one acknowledging it. But now it had been said, and there was no erasing the terror she felt. She’d been so happy at first, the words making her feel whole and cherished and protected. Now she only could feel the fear. 

It was all-consuming and destroyed any of the hope and beauty she’d felt the night prior. It was like it hadn’t even happened to her, but someone else. The pain of the feeling seized her so completely she couldn’t breathe. If only she could sleep. Then maybe things would look different in the morning. Would they though? Clarke didn’t know. The only thing she did know was that she was scared shitless and trapped and Bellamy loved her. Was in love with her. And she didn’t know how to deal with it. 

The previous comfort she found in her bed, with Bellamy there, felt so cold and distant now that he was gone. He wasn’t, though, some part of her reminded herself. He would be back. But then what? How was she supposed to tell him that she was freaking out because he loved her? Clarke already knew where that would lead. He’d blame himself. Believe it was his fault for telling her too soon or not being supportive enough. In reality, it was all her. Bellamy was wonderful, unlike anyone else she’d ever met. 

And no matter what she did, she would never deserve him. 

Without thinking about it, she threw the covers off of her and went to Madi’s room. She shook her gently awake. 

“What’s going on?” Madi asked.

“Pack a bag,” Clarke said, a plan already forming in her mind before it even made any sense. 

She had run before. When things got to be too much. When she was too much. She bailed. Or not bailed, maybe, but..She took off. It was her thing. It was a way of escaping her reality. Of escaping herself. The fact that she was just going to keep letting down everyone in her life. But especially the people she loved the most. Especially _Bellamy._ If she could never be what he needed, then she had to leave. Why should she deny that now, when she knew it was the truth? The only truth that there was left to cling to?

Madi sat up and frowned. “What? What are you talking about? We can’t just _leave_.”

But she was already getting Madi’s biggest suitcase out of her closet. “Anything you think you might need, okay? Clothes, books. All of it.”

“Clarke—”

“ _Please_ ,” she heard herself beg and hated the desperation there. 

She needed to get out. Of the house. Of Arkadia. Of the constant watch and care and love of her squad and friends. It was all crumbling around her, and she couldn’t fight the fear anymore. She needed to escape it. To run. 

“What about everyone else?” Madi demanded, even as she got out of bed. She crossed the room and took the suitcase from Clarke’s hands. “What about Bellamy?”

It took her three tries to let the words out, and when she did, she was on the verge of breaking down. “I can’t...I have to go, Madi. I have to...I can’t be here anymore. Not right now. I need to leave, just for a little while.” 

She didn’t know how else to explain it. The rational thoughts and words wouldn’t come. There probably weren’t any to begin with, but she didn’t let herself consider that. All she could focus on was getting the hell out. 

By some small miracle, Madi seemed to understand. She nodded and swallowed. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll pack, okay? It’ll be fun. Like a road trip.”

“Yeah,” Clarke said, her voice wavering. She knew she was shaking. 

Suddenly, Madi grasped her in her arms, wrapping her as tightly as she could. “It will be alright, Clarke.” Then she released her and offered a tentative smile. “Now, go pack yourself. I’ll finish and then make a playlist for us.”

It was all the reassurance she needed to retreat back to her room and gather her own things. They had to move fast. Bellamy was going to be home in less than an hour. Madi got her stuff together quickly though, and Clarke loaded up her old Toyota her dad had left for her the last time he’d been at the house. 

“You have to leave a note,” Madi said as they went to leave the house. 

She hesitated. What could she possibly even say?

“Clarke, you have to,” she repeated.

“I know.” She got out a pen and grabbed some paper and wrote it as fast as she could, her heart beating rapidly. She had to start over twice because she couldn’t get the wording right. Then she thought, fuck it, it would never be right. She went with what she thought was best. What she hoped would make him understand, even just a fraction. 

The two of them fled the house and started down the road. Madi turned on the music and Clarke tried to have the same kind of excitement that she had seemed to have found. 

“We could go somewhere really cool,” Madi said. “Like the city...Or maybe not, since Bellamy wants to take us there. But still, I bet there are loads of places you can take me that I’ll love. We can go to a bunch of them.”

Clarke nodded and forced a smile. “We will.”

Madi hummed along to the music and babbled on about how her friends would be jealous. Their parents would never do this sort of thing. It would be fun, an adventure. Just the two of them. It hadn’t been just the two of them in so long. Clarke agreed with all the sentiments the best she could. 

Madi didn’t yet understand why Clarke needed to do this in the first place. But no...That didn’t seem right. Maybe she did understand and was focusing on the joy for her sake. The thought broke her heart even more. 

She thought about saying something to Madi about it. The words wouldn’t come. Instead, she gripped the steering wheel tighter and took them onto the highway, heading north. All the while, picturing Bellamy’s face as he came home and found that note. She tried to stop the terrible thought from coming, but she knew it probably was always there, just waiting for her to allow herself to truly feel it. 

Her mother had been right about her, she realized with a start. It didn’t make her stop the car and turn around. Didn’t make her any less afraid. Didn’t change anything about where she was headed, even if the exact place wasn’t in her mind at the moment. If anything, she was merely accepting of it. Of her fate, more like. Her mother was right. Always had been, probably. They _were_ the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=4zua1_z0QvmViQNwN6J0AA)


	11. I Can't Love You (How You Want Me To)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo, lovely people!!
> 
> this chapter,,,,it's Big Sad ngl. Clarke and Bellamy are both in pain and...I promise it gets better after this one, but...yeah. 
> 
> *chapter title from 'Bite the Hand' by boygenius* 
> 
> hope you all are taking care of yourselves and each other, sending my utmost love to you all 💖💜💙

Bellamy hadn’t slept in a week. Not since he came home from the bar and found Clarke’s note. They were both gone. No calls or texts or any kind of communication. She’d even turned off their Find My iPhone applications, so there was no way for them to even begin to try and find her without involving the police. Which, Lincoln pointed out, wouldn’t do them any good. Clarke was an adult and free to leave as she chose. That’s what tore Bellamy up the most. Besides the need to know she was safe, of course. But the fact that she’d chosen to leave. Without him. 

Before that night, He thought they were good. He believed that when he told her he loved her, she’d wanted him to say it. She’d said it herself. She made him happy. If that was truly the case, then why did she take off like this? Like she didn’t want them to know where she was, didn’t want even Bellamy to know. In all his years of knowing Clarke, he at least thought they’d always trusted one another. Could tell each other everything. In response, the other would do their best to understand, even if they didn’t. But this was making him rethink every facet of their relationship. 

The note rang through his head every time he called and she didn’t answer or when one of his friends tried to assure him that she’d be back. But the days passed and there was no word or sign of her. Eventually, Jake got worried enough that he came down. Abby had received her sentencing: twelve months of probation. She’d come by the house once she was released, wanting to see Clarke. It was Bellamy who had to tell her she was gone. There was something in her eyes that made him suspect something had happened when Clarke had gone to visit her, but he didn’t want to talk to her for too long. But he did almost wish she wanted to help them find her. 

Abby wasn’t worried though. Instead, she just told them, “Maybe this will be good for her. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”

Bellamy had to bite his tongue to keep from cursing her out. 

It wasn’t only the fact that Clarke had decided to leave that was even eating him up. It was that he didn’t know if she was _safe_. If she would only answer him, or let him know by a freaking smoke signal that she was okay, then he’d find a way to get through it. After all, he couldn’t help but partially believe that it was his fault. 

He was still pissed at her though. 

“I don’t know why she didn’t just come to my place,” Jake said for the fifth time as they sat around Clarke’s kitchen, drinking coffee (except Harper, who had tea) on the eighth morning she’d been gone. “If she needed to get out of Arkadia I don’t know why she wouldn’t…” he trailed off and lost the thought. He was just as much of a mess as Bellamy was, and he couldn’t blame him. 

“Do you have any idea where she would go?” O asked, looking at both Bellamy and Jake as if they had any more answers than the rest of them. 

Jasper hesitated before he spoke, “We don’t know what kind of headspace Clarke was in when she left. She probably isn’t thinking the most logical thing right now.”

Raven shot him a look at that. “What’s that supposed to mean? You think she’s having some kind of episode? It’s _Clarke_. There’s no one more logical than her. No way. Even if she was upset by something, she would be doing the thing that made the most sense. She’s not you.” 

Her words were harsh, and Monty jumped in to defend the other. “If she was thinking clearly though, thinking how she normally does, then why didn’t she go to her dad’s?” 

His tone was cold, a rarity for him, and Bellamy knew it was because he was upset about her snipe at Jasper. “He was only trying to help, Raven. And sorry you don’t already know this, but sometimes people have emotions that don’t make sense.”

Harper placed a hand over his and Monty looked relieved at the comfort. 

Echo stiffened a little and narrowed her eyes. “She’s perfectly aware of that. She was just pointing out that Clarke is far from having a psychotic break.”

Jasper sank into his chair and O practically snarled, “What are you? Raven’s Keeper? What the fuck do you know about this kind of thing?”

“There’s no need to talk to her like that,” Miller said. Jackson looked worried at the way the other glared down O. 

She returned his look with one just as vicious. “You can let go of your petty grudge against me now Miller. It’s getting a little old, don’t you think?”

Raven went to retort to that, but Bellamy got out, “ _Enough._ ” He sighed. “None of this is helping Clarke. Or getting us any closer to figuring out where she went.” 

All week, they’d been getting into more and more small fights with one another. It reminded him how it was when they first returned from their last tour. Without Clarke, dealing with her loss and the fact that they would never see her again, they almost fell apart. People went weeks without speaking to one another and when they did, it was usually biting comments and passing of blame. He couldn’t let them devolve into that again. 

“I know it’s easy to fight and that we’re all upset, but we need to focus on the task at hand. So put aside your own shit for right now and try to come up with a way for us to make sure she’s okay.”

They all appeared rather sheepish at that, and he would’ve felt bad if he wasn’t so torn up inside already. They might’ve been going through similar emotions, but he knew they understood he was going through something deeper than the rest of them. It had been the same after her ‘death’ too. Somehow, his friends and sister all came to a collective agreement that if anyone was hurting the most after Clarke’s death, it was him and Jake. Sometimes Abby, too, but that was a harder case. 

“I could always track her cell,” Monty supplied.

Harper frowned. “You mean trace her? Like she’s a criminal?”

“Helpful, maybe,” Lincoln said. “But I don’t think that would go over well, from the little I know of Clarke.”

“You’re right,” Bellamy agreed. “We can’t just hunt her down. If she’s scared or freaking out or something, it won’t help to force us on her.” Even though it did bug him to acknowledge Lincoln was right. 

Lincoln might’ve been good for O, but he couldn’t ignore they met in AA and that he had his own demons to face, even as his sister was still dealing with hers. Still, being with Clarke had changed his perspective a little, with the thought that facing one’s trauma together could actually help. Well, at least, he’d believed that. Until she took off. Now, he was back to being wary of O getting hurt. 

Emori and Murphy exchanged a look. Clearly, they’d been discussing the situation amongst themselves. Bellamy felt he knew what they were going to say before they did. Dread filled him with the thought. He didn’t want to have to confront this possibility. 

“I know no one wants to hear this,” Emori said. “But maybe we just have to wait it out.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, even though, really, there wasn’t any room for the question in the statement. 

Murphy sighed. “She means that Clarke left for a reason. We’re all worried as hell, and we’ve all been talking about how that reason must’ve been impulsive. But what if it wasn’t?” 

“Please,” Raven dismissed. “She might think she’s not being impulsive, but we just got her back. She was just getting used to _being_ back. Why would she take off? Why would she leave…” She glanced at Bellamy for a moment before finishing, “All of us?”

He knew what they were thinking. If Clarke had to go, then why didn’t she ask him to come with her? He’d been trying to answer the same question, with no success. It made him angry, even though he didn’t want to be. Not at her so much as himself. But the feelings of guilt and blame went hand in hand with those of betrayal and loneliness, and yes, anger. 

He wanted to know why she left, of course. But he also wanted to know why she’d let him say those three words if she was just going to bail almost immediately after. Was she that cruel? He couldn’t imagine that she was, that she might’ve even felt the same. Now though, all he knew was he was a wreck of emotions. When he’d first read her note and she didn’t answer any of his messages, there had been a part of him that wanted to tell her to not come back. If he was being honest with himself, that part still existed. 

Emori sipped at her coffee before she told them, “We all want to think that Clarke doesn’t really want to leave all of us.” 

Her eyes flicked to Bellamy for a moment before looking back at Murphy. “But what if she needed to? What if she’s doing not only what she wants, but what’s best for her?”

“You think Abby’s right?” O burst out. “No way in hell. I don’t accept it. Clarke wouldn’t leave us if she was thinking clearly. She’s been through a lot, and it’s been too much is all. She could be in trouble. We gotta find her.”

Murphy twitched his jaw. “That’s the thing though, she left a note. She doesn’t answer us. By all accounts, she doesn’t want to be found. Maybe this isn’t a cry for help but her taking some time. She’s done it before. I know this time is different, but it’s not, in other ways. She’s been working through shit, yeah, but it hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing.”

He sighed. “Besides, could any of us blame her if she really needed to get away for awhile? Not just from the reminders of herself, but us, too?”

Bellamy hated the fact that yes, he could. He could blame her. Because whether it was intentional or not, she messed him up by leaving when she did. It wasn’t the first time that she’d taken time away from them all, but it was the timing and how and the everything of it all that made him so upset. 

He wanted to understand, to be sympathetic to what she was going through. There was no denying his own feelings on the matter, as much as he may have wanted to. She had known what leaving him would do, and she had done it anyway. Did she even care? All the evidence seemed to point that she didn’t. He knew it wasn’t the whole truth, but he wondered if she ever had. 

“So you want us to just give up?” Harper demanded. Her jaw was set and her eyes cool with a low-burning anger. “You think Clarke would give up if it was any of us?”

“We’re not suggesting we give up completely,” Emori replied. “Just that we consider giving her some space.”

“And,” Murphy added, “trust that when she’s ready, she’ll come back.”

He hesitated before going on, “Look, I’m not saying it’s the easy thing or what we _want_ but it might be the reality. We might have to accept that she needs to not be here right now.”

They turned to Bellamy and Jake. The latter nodded and he didn’t know if he felt relieved or betrayed by the other. 

Jake swallowed. “Okay. But if it goes on much longer, I’m going to look into other means of locating her. Even if it’s just to make sure she’s safe and taking care of herself and Madi. I’ll talk to Madi’s principal and explain the situation. She said she talked to Clarke and they already had a long conversation about it. Still, I’m going to ensure the adoption won’t be in jeopardy myself.”

“How long should we give it?” Echo asked. 

Murphy considered this. “Taking into account how long she was gone the last time...A month.”

“A _month_?” Raven was distraught. “That’s...That’s way too long.”

Bellamy fought the hurt and confusion and anger as long as he could. There was no stopping it, no calming it, either. 

He stood up and told them all, “We give it a month. Let her do whatever the hell she wants, I guess.”

The shock appeared on all of his friends’ faces. 

O opened her mouth but closed it, maybe deciding the words wouldn’t do any good. He knew they wouldn’t have, and was grateful she chose to stay quiet. Without another word or bringing himself to look at them all, he left the house. What had become his house, really, though it’d been a little scary to think of it that way. It didn’t feel like his anymore though. Not without Clarke and Madi there. 

He didn’t know what to do. If he should move out or wait for them to come back, spending his nights and days in an empty house that felt the furthest thing from a home. It shocked him how quickly he’d come to enjoy living with the two of them, sleeping beside Clarke each night and making breakfast for Madi in the mornings. It had become his normal. He didn’t know what he was meant to do now. How he was supposed to live. It felt all too familiar to the first time he’d lost Clarke. 

How the hell was he supposed to learn how to live without her all over again?

* * *

They were in Maine. In a tiny town on the coast. One that Clarke had visited as a kid with her parents. When things were happy and simple and she didn’t know pain or death. She didn’t mean to go there, had originally thought Cape Cod or the Jersey Shore where she had cousins. But she had to keep driving, and had to keep running. So, they kept on until she saw the sign for the town, and took the exit on a whim.

Madi loved it, which was the only saving grace. 

She loved the sea and the hermit crabs they would look for when the tide went out. Loved the coffee shop in the center of town where she’d get Hazelnut steamers while Clarke tried to ease her worries with black coffee. Loved the small rental they’d managed to get, which had them sharing a bathroom but was cozy in the best way. Loved the lobster and blueberry pie they got at a restaurant Clarke remembered from childhood. It really was the adventure Madi had hoped it would be. She just wished she felt the same. 

It had been two weeks.

She didn’t feel any better than she had before. She’d convinced herself that leaving was what she needed. Just for a little while. Just to clear out the fogginess and fear. It hadn’t helped though, and she was beginning to think it never would. More than once, she convinced herself she should just go back, but each time she tried, she found she couldn’t do it. Madi had asked when they were going back almost every day the first week. She didn’t anymore, but Clarke could tell she was worried about it. As much as she may have loved Maine, she wanted to get back to her life. Clarke didn’t know how to tell her she wasn’t sure if she ever would want to go back.

On the fifteenth day, Madi brought up calling someone over dinner. Anyone. Just to let them know they were okay. 

“Maybe your dad,” she proposed. “And we could even tell him not to put the others on the phone.” Clarke started to protest, but Madi wouldn’t give up. “We don’t even have to tell him where we are.”

“I don’t think it would help any,” was her answer. 

That wasn’t enough to appease Madi though, which Clarke should’ve known. 

She picked at her food for a while, letting the awkwardness settle in. She knew Madi was choosing her words carefully. 

Finally, she told her, “They’re probably really worried. They don’t know we’re okay, and you know how they are.” 

What went unsaid was: _You know how_ Bellamy _is._

She paused before asking, “What did you even say in the note?” 

Clarke winced. It had been too harsh, looking back. Not enough expressing how much she cared about Bellamy. About all of them. How much she didn’t actually want to leave but felt there was no other choice. The moment had been a confusing one, a rushed departure into the night, and she hadn’t thought it through enough. No wonder they stopped calling and texting after eight days. 

“Madi,” her tone a bit harsher than she intended. “I don’t want to discuss this. We’ll go back when I say we do.”

Madi wouldn’t give it up though. “No.” She shook her head. “You’re making a mistake, hiding out here. It’s been fun and I haven’t wanted to be mean but _Clarke_. We have to go back at some point.”

“Do we?” she asked without thinking about it. 

She gaped at her. “Yes! We can’t just hide forever!” She crossed her arms over her chest and jutted out her chin. “I want to go back. Today.”

Clarke pursed her lips. “You don’t make those decisions.”

“Well, you’re making a stupid one.”

“ _Madi_ ,” she warned. 

“You are! I know how scary it is, okay? I was there too, remember?” Her voice shook a little and Clarke felt immediate regret for pushing her. 

Of course, she knew Madi was healing too from their six years of pain and trauma and endless questioning of if it would ever end. And how. She was cruel to not consider it. But she was trying to protect her while also giving herself the space she thought she needed. 

Clarke softened her tone when she replied, “Of course, I do. And I thought all I ever wanted was to get back to Arkadia. To make sure you’re safe and have a life there. A full one. I thought all I needed was to get back to my friends and family...To Bellamy. But it didn’t work.”

“It was though!” Madi argued. She huffed. “It was working with everyone.” She grew sullen. “At least, I thought it was okay. That we were gonna be happy. I thought _you_ were happy.”

She shook her head. That was a complicated statement, one she didn’t know how to feel about, let alone discuss with her kid. “I was but…”

“But what?” Madi demanded, and she wasn’t sure she would ever have an answer that was satisfying. 

“It’s too much,” Clarke breathed out. “The pressure to be me, the me from before. The fact that everyone’s worried about me, all the time. Not even because I asked them to. Because they wanted to or felt like they needed to. What’s worse is that I needed it, took it all without thinking of the consequences.”

Madi’s brows knit together. “They’re your family though...I thought—”

“It’s supposed to go both ways though, and right now...I can’t give them what they deserve. I can’t be enough for them.” She cleared her throat. “Especially not for Bellamy. I know you think that everything will just work out, but sometimes...Sometimes it doesn’t.”

“I don’t believe that,” Madi said.

Clarke sighed. How could she possibly believe it when she wasn’t even sure she did? Still, she knew herself, knew she was stubborn. She set in with enough resolve to manage to convince herself momentarily she was right. 

“Madi, it doesn’t matter if you do. It’s the truth. I can’t go back. Not right now. Maybe not ever.”

“Then go back for me,” she practically begged. “Go back so that I can be with them and go to school and keep me safe that way.”

Clarke never felt so selfish or self-loathing until that moment. Even after everything she’d done, she knew taking Madi away from her new life was the worst thing she’d done to her. She had sworn to herself she’d love her and keep her safe, and this was how she went about it? It was unforgivable, really. It spoke volumes to how Clarke wasn’t ready or was unfit to care for her, or maybe just not a good person at all. There were times when she hated every little piece of herself, and those feelings came roaring back. 

She didn’t know how she managed to not break apart right there. 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke told her, blinking away tears. Her voice became firm once more. “But that’s not going to happen.”

“Then I hate you!” Madi shouted and stormed off to the small room she’d claimed in the house. 

It wasn’t the first time Madi had said the words to her. After all, captivity brought out the worst in both of them sometimes. Difficult times and stressful ones and a flurry of emotions that sometimes she couldn’t control. She didn’t blame her at all for it. However, this was the first time Clarke felt like she truly meant it. It was the first time she felt like she deserved it. 

After cleaning up dinner, she poured herself a glass of wine. If nothing else than to give herself something to do. Madi wouldn’t come out of her room, and after three failed attempts, she decided to let her be. They would talk when she was ready. 

Left on her own, Clarke stared down her phone. It would be so easy to call one of them. She knew without thinking it would be Bellamy. Just a few swipes of her fingers and she could talk to him. For six years, she’d craved that, dreamed about it. Imagined it to the point where she wondered if she didn’t lose her mind a little. 

Now she could do it at any time. Was it really easy though? Or was it suddenly one of the hardest things she’d ever done?

What could she even say to begin to explain herself?

But she thought of Madi’s words. She could just tell him she was okay. That they were safe. She didn’t even have to tell him where she was or how long she’d be away. Just that she needed to take some time. However long that would be, she still didn’t know. 

Hopefully, he’d understand. Maybe be upset with her, maybe try and hate her, even. It was Bellamy though. If anyone could understand why she’d fled, then it was him. 

She picked up the phone and hit ‘call’ before she could psych herself out. 

He answered on the first ring. “Clarke?” Bellamy was almost breathless. “Clarke is that you?” She inhaled a breath, hearing it shake on the other line. He cursed under his breath, “This is the most fucked up butt dial of all time.”

That made her laugh, just the smallest bit, and it gave her the courage to say something. “Afraid not.”

“Fuck, it is you,” he gasped. “Clarke, are you...I mean, god, I have so many—”

“We’re okay.”

“You are?” he asked, relief evident in his voice. 

“Yeah...We’re you know, um—”

“Is it okay if I...Where are you?” He sounded hesitant and she stiffened a little.

“I don’t think I can tell you that.”

He paused for a while. “Why?”

Clarke let out a slow breath. “Because I don’t want you guys to come looking for me.”

“We wouldn’t,” he assured her, but she didn’t believe him. Maybe he was telling the truth and believed that, but she knew them too well. The pull to protect her and make sure she was safe would be too much. If it had been any of them, she’d feel the same. 

He added, “Not if you didn’t want us to.”

“I can’t tell you, I’m sorry.”

She heard him suck on his teeth and then he huffed. “Okay, I guess.”

Swirling her glass, she watched the wine move around in it. “Thanks for understanding.”

“I don’t,” he replied. “I don’t understand at all.”

That made her falter. It also made her pause for a moment, unable to form a response. She had believed Bellamy would feel what she was feeling, even if he didn’t fully accept it all. It had been silly, she realized, to expect him to understand why she’d left. Of course, he didn’t. Much to the contrary of how it sometimes felt or what their friends would say, they didn’t share a head or a heart. They were two different people, seemingly, ones that didn’t even know how to speak to one another anymore. 

“Oh...I guess I just thought…” she trailed off, not even knowing what she was going to say for the rest of it.

“Thought what?” He sounded pissed, and a part of her was glad for it. 

“I don’t know,” she confessed. 

“What am I supposed to do with that?” He swallowed and then continued, “How am I meant to take any of this?”

“This isn’t about you,” she argued. “It’s about me and my shit and what I had to do and—”

“Bullshit,” he said. “That’s not fair. You...You told me to say it, Clarke. You made me think you wanted to hear it.”

“I did,” she choked out.

“Then why did you leave? You left everyone. Hell, you left _me_. What am I meant to take away from that? That you don’t care about me? That you never did? Not like I care about you, at least.”

“That’s not true,” she got out as tears started to prick her eyes. 

“Then tell me why you left.”

There was no hiding from it anymore. She would have to tell him. Would have to let him know just how much of a disaster she was, and that no matter how hard he tried, she would never get better. “I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“I don’t understand that,” he protested. 

There was confusion there, but she could also hear how raw he was. She did that. The thought made her stomach churn. “I know things weren’t perfect, but I thought...I _believed_ that we were doing okay. That it was working.”

It took all of her remaining strength to do it, but she said, “You thought wrong, Bellamy.”

He didn’t speak for a while, and she was half-relieved, half-destroyed that he might’ve given up. That he was ready to give up on her. Them. Everything. But he did, eventually. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because…”

“Just tell me, Clarke,” he pleaded. “Please, tell me and we can work this out, okay? I’m here for you, I promise. I…” He swallowed. “I love you. So, let me be there for you.”

She knew she had to hit him harder then. Had to convince him that she wasn’t coming back because even if she did, she knew it would never be how he imagined it. How she had imagined it, too. But there would never be a reality where it would come true. They’d just end up breaking one another’s hearts. She told herself it would be better to do it now. Better to make a break of it before things got even worse.

Clarke had to make Bellamy let go of her. Even if it killed her to do it. 

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. But you need to just give it up. I’ve been trying to let you down easy, to explain that I may not be coming back. That I don’t want you here while I’m trying to get better.” 

The tears fell in earnest then and she had to take a moment to stop herself from sounding like an absolute wreck on the phone. She wasn’t convinced she pulled it off, but hopefully, her words would be enough to deter him. Enough to convince him that she wasn’t worth all the heartbreak. 

“But I’m not her anymore. I’m not the person you’re in love with. She died a long time ago. No matter what either one of us does, I will _never_ be Clarke again. I don’t love you. I can’t. I’m too fucked up. I don’t love you and I’m never going to be able to. So stop fucking trying and let me go already.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything for a long, long time. She would’ve thought he hung up, but she could hear his ragged breathing on the other end. 

“Fine,” he said, the word piercing her heart like the sharpest blade. “You want me to let you go? You want me to not be in love with you anymore? Fucking fine by me. Bye. Whoever the hell you are. Because you’re right. You’re sure as hell not Clarke.”

And then he hung up. 

It was really for the best, she told herself, even as she broke down. Her sobs wracked through her body and she couldn’t stop the tears. She didn’t notice Madi was there, for how long who knew, until she felt herself being wrapped in her arms. Because she was still weak and a mess and every bad and horrible thing she could think of, she clung to Madi. Like she was her lifeline. She supposed she was now. There would be no one else, not after what she’d done. 

This pain? It was forever, she knew it. She would never stop hating herself for what she’d just done to Bellamy. But at least now he could be safe from her, and she could try to be someone else. So she held on tight to Madi, letting the pain build up and then toss her around like a raft on the roughest of seas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=2-7gvHKHSwef1xMl-bChpg)


	12. Get on the Road and Back to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another update!! I apologize for the pain in the last couple, but we're reaching a bit of a lighter place with this one, and I will hopefully make it all up to you with the ending of this story. this one deals with the immediate aftermath of the last chapter and how Clarke and Bellamy are coping. 
> 
> as always, feedback is so appreciate, and I hope you enjoy it!!
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Get on the Road' by Tired Pony*
> 
> *tw for mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts*
> 
> sending love and good thoughts to you all 💖💜💙

Clarke had never been so miserable.

After she’d calmed down following the phone call with Bellamy, Madi tried again to convince her to go back to Arkadia. She’d refused, knowing that there was no returning to her life. To Bellamy. Even though now that she’d done what she did, she wanted to. It was wrong of her, to think this way. She told herself it wasn’t any use. With her words and who she’d chosen to say them to, she’d ruined any chance of going back. 

Now, there was no life to go back to there. Not after what she’d done and said to him. Her friends would never forgive her, and Bellamy probably wouldn’t either. And she couldn’t blame them. All Clarke wanted to do was protect herself. Maybe she’d said what she felt she needed to in order to escape, but that didn’t make it right or good. 

The fate of her life had been decided by her own choices, and there was no erasing it or reversing it. 

Madi, of course, had overheard the whole conversation. She’d come out to apologize and then ended up eaves-dropping. She couldn’t even bring herself to be mad at her doing it. Pleading, she told Clarke that Bellamy would forgive her, that she could make things right if she just _tried_. But she hadn’t heard how broken Bellamy sounded, the harshness of his words exposing just how much she’d hurt him with her own. 

Two more weeks passed, and even Clarke was getting tired of their endless vacation. She looked into getting a job or just something to occupy her time. While she didn’t tell Madi, she was also looking into transferring her to a school up here as well. During the day, she’d let the fantasy that they could carve out a fresh life in Maine play out. 

Find new people. Make a world in which they weren’t burdened by their past trauma. Where Clarke could give Madi the happiness she so deserved. And, just maybe, find some of her own. At night, however, the truth crashed around her. She knew, deep down into the depths of her mind, that that would never work. She could never really escape what she’d been through. Neither one of them could. What made it more complicated was that she no longer wanted to. Instead, she had fantasies of confronting it all. A belief she never had before. It seemed cruel, that she wanted to understand herself and move forward just as she had destroyed everything with Bellamy. 

That didn’t mean she was ready to face that fact entirely though, and still hid from the truth whenever she could. 

No one had tried to contact her after the call with Bellamy. Even though she felt sure he had downplayed her cruelty to them, she wasn’t upset with them for not wanting her back. At the time, it had seemed the only option. The one she had to play in order to protect him and herself. But as the days passed, she felt more and more a fool for hurting Bellamy, and for wrecking the fragile thing between them. Madi assured her they would forgive her, but she knew she would never forgive herself. That was enough to keep her from running back to them the very next day.

They were along the shore, walking on a rocky beach and staring out at the endless sea. Madi pointed out how the water sparkled as the sun hit the surface, and snapped picture after picture with her phone. She was sending them to her friends at school, who all were, as she’d told Clarke they would be, incredibly jealous. 

“Ethan won’t believe this,” she told her. 

An amused smile drifted onto her lips, and it surprised her, the ease with which it came. “Wasn’t that the one you fought?”

Madi waved it off. “He knows he was being an asshole.”

“Excuse me?” Clarke burst out. 

She grinned. “Sorry. Blame Murphy.”

Oh, she would. The comment made her chest ache though. It wasn’t just Bellamy she missed. By running, she hadn’t just lost him. She’d lost the rest of her family, too. If they did as she planned and stayed for good, there would be no teasing Murphy about encouraging her kid to curse. No affirmations from Raven, who had promised she would help Madi with all of her science fairs. No continuing to repair the fractured relationship with Jasper. She thought of Harper and Monty’s baby. Maybe she would never even meet them. The pain was complete in the destruction of her previous good mood. 

Madi picked up on it and frowned. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” she assured her. “I just miss them.”

“Like before? When we were in Azgeda?” 

Clarke nodded and hoped she’d leave it. That would never happen though, she knew that even before Madi opened her mouth to retort.

“I can’t go back. It’s not like it was before. This time, they don’t want me back. Not after I hurt Bellamy the way I did.” The sea air did little to comfort her. It just reminded her of what she’d left behind. 

Madi pressed her lips together but must’ve known when she was beaten because she went back to taking pictures. Clarke hadn’t looked at her phone in two days, but the water really did look pretty. Maybe she’d take just one photo and send it to her dad. They hadn’t spoken, but she had texted him that she was safe and loved him, and he said the same. She turned on her phone and had to hold in her gasp. She had five new voicemails from yesterday and today. One from Murphy, Octavia, Monty, Jasper, and Raven. 

The messages terrified her. She wondered what they possibly said to her. Maybe they were words of hatred, of anger. Maybe they told her to not come back, as she thought she deserved. Her finger paused over the delete button for Monty’s message, but instead, she clicked on it, and put the phone to her ear. A part of her thought she was just masochistic. That she wanted to hear how much they didn’t want her in their lives anymore. Another, much smaller one though, was tired of avoiding them. Desperate to hear what they had to say. The tiniest glimmer of hope remained that maybe they still loved her, despite it all.

“Hi Clarke,” Monty started and she let out a breath, grateful that Madi was too distracted to notice. God, it was so good to hear his voice. 

“I know you’re going through hell. I’m not gonna pretend I understand. Even though I do, in some ways. In the ways that on that one offensive, I was the one that made it so you and Bellamy could take out that base. It might’ve been the thing that saved us, and that we were following orders, but I still think about it. Still have nightmares. We’ve both got scars, you know? The physical and the mental kind…”

He sighed. “Clarke, just come home. I know you think you’re protecting us, protecting Bellamy, by staying away. But we don’t care what you said or did or if you don’t think you’re enough.” 

He took a moment and she wondered if he wasn’t holding back tears. “When we found out you were alive, we couldn’t believe it. It was a _miracle_. And no matter how hard you push us away, we’re here, okay? We’re waiting for you to come back. However long it takes. I don’t wanna pressure you so...I’ll let Harper talk now.”

Harper’s voice was steadier and Clarke knew for certain that she was more upset with Clarke than Monty. She couldn’t blame her, could almost imagine her crossing her arms over her chest and tilting her chin in that resolute way she had when she thought someone was making a mistake. Her message was shorter but no less impactful. 

“You need to come home,” she said. “Not just for you or Madi, but for us, too. We spent so long wishing that you were alive, that you were with us. We almost stopped being a family when we lost you.” She huffed, but continued, “And I’m sure as hell not risking losing everyone again because you think we’re better off without you. It’s...Honestly, it’s a little selfish, you know?” 

Monty must’ve whispered something because Harper took a breath before going on, “That was a little harsh. Sorry. But I’m scared all the time, too, okay? I’m scared of this life and this baby and myself. I’m doing it anyway though, because the alternative...It’s not fair to me. More than that though, it’s not fair to the people that love me.”

Monty got back on then. “And we love you, Clarke. We love you whether you think you’re broken and beyond help. We always will.”

Then the message ended. 

“What was that?” Madi asked as she looked over.

Clarke let out a shaky breath. “I have to listen to a couple of messages, okay?”

Somehow, her daughter understood she needed to do it on her own, and nodded. “I’ll go call Ethan. He’s been annoying me all week. To call him. Like on the phone.” She rolled her eyes but was smiling. “He’s like an old man.” Then she walked a little bit away, but close enough to still be in eyesight. 

“Okay, you can do this,” she told herself as she sat down on a smooth rock. 

She went for Octavia’s next. 

“Hi Dumb-Dumb,” she greeted and Clarke choked out a laugh. 

“Maybe that’s not the best way to start this,” Lincoln’s voice filtered in. 

“I’m right though,” Octavia argued. “She’s being dumb.” 

Clarke could practically hear Lincoln’s eye roll, but in a tender sort of way he had when it came to Octavia. 

“Fine, fine,” she relented. “Hi, Not-So-Smart-One. That’s the best I can do, given the circumstances. But I’m not gonna yell at you, so if you’re expecting that, or hell, looking for that, sorry, you’re not going to get it.” 

Clarke swallowed. Maybe a piece of her had been wanting that and believed she would be the one to give it out of everyone. 

“You think you’re being smart though, which is the part that gets me,” Octavia said. “Since when has been gutting my brother with lies been the smart move? Seriously, come on, you really expect me to believe that any of what you said to him, which he won’t even tell me everything, was real?” 

A pause and her tone was softer. “We’re not so different sometimes, you and I. I know I’ve fucked up more than you, but...I think we both like to turn shit off. Both are so saddled by the hard stuff that we’re afraid to let the good touch us. You can’t live like that though, and you can’t make my brother live like that either. It’s cruel, and I know you’re not, but you’re acting like it. I’m worried about him. That if you’re gone long enough and the words settle in that he might actually believe he’s not worth it.” 

Clarke felt the tears build up and sniffed to push them back down. The mere idea that Bellamy was in pain because of her brought such a swell of self-loathing she couldn’t breathe. 

“So, face your past, okay?” she asked, a little more tentative than she ever heard her. “And Lincoln’s giving me a look, but whatever, you need to stop being an idiot. I still think you’re awesome, but I’m right, and you know it.”

The message cut off there. Octavia’s words had been harder to listen to than Monty and Harper’s because she was right, they were alike, in some ways. But hadn’t her mom been right when she said it was _her_ and Clarke that were the same? When she’d fled, she’d been sure of it. Now though, after only hearing from three of her family members, her _real_ family, she wasn’t positive. 

She chose to listen to Murphy’s next and wasn’t the least bit surprised that she was on speaker, and both him and Emori had something to say. 

“I swear to god if you don’t listen to this I will let Monty track your phone,” Murphy warned. 

“ _John_ ,” Emori interrupted. “We’re supposed to be the ones that understand why she left, remember? Clarke, he’s not serious. _We_ wouldn’t let the rest of them do that.”

She felt the smallest inkling of relief at Emori’s words, though wasn’t shocked by them. If anyone could wrap their heads around why she’d left, she knew it’d be them. 

“We get it, you know?” Murphy sighed. “We get that this might be the best thing for you, taking a break from it all. But hell, it’s been over _a month_ and we’re starting to think you’re not doing this for you anymore.”

“You might be though,” Emori cut in. “And if that’s the case, if you truly are happier away from us, wherever the hell you might be, then we’ll find a way to accept that. I’m not saying it’ll be easy or that the others will ever understand, but we’ll do our best to help them to.”

“The reason that we’re calling is…” Murphy trailed off. “We’re worried. I know, I know, a huge shocker for us.” 

Clarke smiled at that, yes, that part was a little surprising. 

He went on, “We’re worried that you think you’re protecting us. That you think this is the only way to keep us safe from you, and who you’ve become.”

Emori huffed. “Which is more than a little melodramatic.” 

Murphy added, “Not to mention self-centered. I mean, come on dude, you really think our whole lives revolve around you?”

Clarke snorted. Their tones were still kind though, even if they did have a point. 

“But we do get it, and I want you to know we were the only ones that suggested we leave you alone for a bit, so you could figure stuff out on your own. If that’s what you needed to do.” 

The gloating in Murphy’s tone was a welcome distraction from the love she felt for him and Emori, that they had fought for her space, even as the others wanted to push against it. Leaving might’ve not been the healthiest thing, and certainly not the best, but they respected her, and that meant so much. 

“We don’t know if you’re doing it for you anymore, though,” Emori said. “That’s why we want you to come home. If you need to leave again, or if you need us to leave you alone, that’s okay. But we want you to try coming back.”

“And I know what you’re thinking,” Murphy grumbled. “That trying isn’t something you even know how to do anymore. Well, guess what? None of us know. We don’t have a clue what we’re doing most of the time, but we keep doing it anyway. That’s fucking life, alright? So come back to yours already.”

Without any fanfare, the message ended. It was like them, and she realized she missed them all so damn much it physically hurt. Like she’d lost a limb. 

That left Jasper and Raven’s messages. She decided to save Raven’s for last, and clicked on Jasper’s, then pressed the phone to her ear. 

“Heyo,” he said and she let herself chuckle a little at that.

“I know you’ve got a bunch of messages from us, and even more since we decided a mutual ambush, but everyone agreed I should be one to call you. Miller wanted to as well, but...He said I would say it better, and he had to go make sure Bellamy was alive after we got drunk together.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry, I don’t say that so you’ll blame yourself.” 

But she did, regardless. 

“I think it helped though, him talking things through. I bet you’ll still think it’s your fault but, it isn’t.” 

She didn’t see how. Didn’t see how all of this wasn’t completely on her and her inability to handle herself. Inability to be strong enough. His words did comfort her, even if she thought she didn’t deserve it entirely. 

Then he took a breath and whispered, “Okay,” to himself before going on. 

“I don’t say any of this to hurt you. It’s what happened and I need you to know and I’m hoping it will help you, so...Yeah.” He took another breath. “Six months after we thought you’d died and we came home, I tried to kill myself.” 

She gasped. She’d seen the scars but hadn’t asked after Monty told her not to, that he needed to tell her in his own time. It was still shocking though, that her brilliant and funny friend had felt so deep in his pain. 

“Bellamy and Monty found me, I guess. They got me to the hospital and I was in treatment for about a week before they released me. I was lost and didn’t know how to tell anyone or reach out for help. I thought we were pointless. _I_ was pointless. I thought humanity was an agent of evil, and there was no escaping it. I didn’t want to have to face all of it every day.”

It took him a while to be able to go on, but she knew, in many ways, Jasper had always been the most human of them all. 

“I was angry at you, but you already knew that. More than that, I was angry at myself. For not being able to save Maya, for making my last words to you ones of hate. I thought you’d died thinking I hated you. That was my biggest regret, for so long. Above all the killing and the fighting. Because you’re my family, Clarke.” 

Tears trickled down her cheeks and she didn’t bother wiping them away, for more were surely going to come. For those six years, she did believe that. Tried to tell herself she’d make things right once she was back but worried that it would never work. To find that despite it all he still loved her...It made her feel worthy of them for the first time in weeks. 

“How could I not think of you that way?” This seemed to be to himself. As if he couldn’t believe there’d been a time when he hadn’t. “When I almost died because of that bullet to the chest, you insisted on saving me. Even though everyone thought I was a lost cause. I called you my savior. I don’t know if you remember.” 

Of course, she did. How could she not? It was one of the first times in her life she’d felt like she was truly a good force in the world. How quickly that had given way to the self-loathing and constant doubt of war. 

“But I got help, and our family, our people, was there for me at every step. I know how much it can be. How hard it is. But we’re here for you, however long you might need. You might think that it’s your job to be strong because you’re like...Our leader, or something. But you can falter too, and we’ll catch you.” 

He let out a breathless laugh. “Okay, now I’m gonna go and like..Smoke a shit ton of weed and play video games. You should come back so I can put your ass to shame. Bye.”

Out of all of the messages, Jasper’s was the one that made her the most emotional. Probably because he offered so much of himself up in the hopes of helping her. The fact that he’d managed to survive was nothing short of one of the bravest things any of them had done. Clarke wasn’t yet convinced she had earned the same love, the same support, but maybe she was open to trying to let them help her, too. 

Raven was all business when she started to speak. “Alright, Clarke, let’s get some things straight.” 

It made her shake her head and grin. Again, the desire to see and speak to them struck hard. 

“You fucked up with Bellamy. He’s a disaster.” 

Clarke swallowed and chewed on her lip. Though she’d known it was the truth, it still hurt to be reminded of it. 

She could almost see Raven wave a hand as she said, “I know you have some twisted concept that you were doing what you needed to, or hell, you were _helping_ him. But you weren’t. You just messed with his head and convinced him that you don’t love him too, which we all know is a load of bullshit.” 

Her cheeks heated a little at that, both out of shame and embarrassment. How long had her friends known how much she loved him? She knew the feelings had been there for much longer than she’d thought, and Bellamy’s admissions made her think he may have loved her since the beginning. The significance of their feelings, of how long they’d been in love with one another, consumed her thoughts for a moment. She had to rewind the message a little to catch all of it. 

“Look, it’s easy to pack it in and give up. I wanted to, after my leg and we lost you and everything seemingly was going to be shit forever. But I didn’t. I kept going. And I know you’ve kept going, too. I know you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. But hurting us because you think you’ll end up hurting us in the future because you’re not enough?” 

Raven scoffed, though not entirely unkindly. “Dumbest thing you’ve ever done. Hands down. And that includes that time you went rogue on your own mission and tried to save us all with just a radio and a rifle.” 

Clarke grimaced at the memory, but Raven wasn’t done. “You think you’re gonna hurt us? I wanna see you try. Come back, okay? Even if it’s messy. Even if everything goes to hell and it’s never the same. I don’t care about that. I care that you said you’d pick me first. I care that you’re my family, and I refuse to give up. I _will_ track you down. I don’t care if Murphy and Emori try to stop me.” 

The threat was a joking one, she could tell, but her friend became serious once more. “He still loves you. Come back.”

It ended, and then there was nothing left. No more messages from her friends. No more ways to avoid it. Clarke had a choice to make. One of the most difficult ones she ever would. 

She took a breath, feeling it rattle through her chest, and typed out a message to Raven. It didn’t explain everything, didn’t get at even an ounce of what she wanted to say. She did it though. She said _something._ She felt it before she even decided to do it. Once it came crashing into her chest, she knew she would do it this time. There would be no more running for her. 

Clarke was going home.

* * *

Bellamy had never been so miserable. 

He tried not to show it to his friends or at work, but they all knew. Painfully so. 

They didn’t force him to discuss it, not unless he brought it up. Which he hadn’t, except for once, when he and Monty, Jasper, Miller, and Murphy got drunk and he confessed the entire phone call. The doubt he felt about her feelings. The pain of believing that she never loved him in return. They didn’t say much to him, maybe because he already felt so raw. They just let him talk. 

They didn’t tell him they had called her until after Clarke texted Raven. 

_I listened._

That’s all. Just two words. They were his whole world for two days. He clung to them even though he didn’t want to, even though all he wanted was to push any thought of them or Clarke from his mind. They lingered though. In a similar way that he did since he was still in her house. Sleeping in what had been their bed for such an amazingly short time he sometimes wondered if he imagined it all. Every time he thought about what happened between them, he felt sick. Everything had been going so well, but he should’ve expected it to fall apart. Nothing that good could ever last for him. Not in this life. Maybe in another one, but he was stuck with this world.

And this world fucking sucked. 

His friends hovered, even if they weren’t talking about Clarke. Though they never mentioned her, they were Not Talking About Her very loudly. So much that he’d been snapping at them when they hadn’t said a word. They took it all in stride, with only Murphy brave enough to give biting comments in response. Usually accompanied by a couple of eye rolls and unimpressed looks. He knew he was a mess, but he hated being reminded of it. Whether it was more by himself or the others, he didn’t know. 

Murphy had insisted on coming over and grilling up burgers and pulled pork for everyone, though Bellamy told him not to. The other had just given him this look that said: _Yeah, right._ He gave in after that. 

Everyone was chatting away, avoiding any topics that would be too painful. Jasper was in the middle of telling a story about him and Monty getting into trouble as kids, nearly wheezing from laughter at his own impressions, when everything broke apart. 

The lock from the front door clicked. They all went quiet and looked up as the door started to open and Bellamy froze in peril. There was only one person it could be, but he didn’t let himself believe it until the door had swung fully open. 

Madi rushed through first. 

“We’re back!” she shouted. “And I’ll say hi and tell you everything, I really will, but shit, I gotta pee!” And then she raced off. 

The rest of them were laughing and grinning and excited as anything. Murphy claimed responsibility for her language with Harper chastising him that Clarke had only come back to kill him for teaching her kid to curse. All Bellamy felt was dread. Eventually, the tension seeped into every corner of the room. Clarke looked as petrified as he felt. She hadn’t moved from the doorway, and the silence that fell on all of them spoke volumes to how this was going to go. 

Her eyes were trained on him and he didn’t look away, no matter how much he wanted to—her stare was too much for him. It held everything and yet nothing and he knew without either one of them speaking that their pain wasn’t over yet. Her coming back wouldn’t erase the mutual hurt, wouldn’t do away with their problems. But she was back, and he didn’t fight the relief and comfort and _joy_ that brought him. 

She swallowed, almost gulped, really. What was there to say between the two of them? They needed to talk, he knew that. The words wouldn’t come though, not to him. He was pissed and happy and wanted to scream at her but knew he never would because deep down, he believed what she’d said on that phone call. More than that, he believed that it was his fault she’d had to leave. 

The moment stretched on forever, but then she licked her lips, and spoke.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=L1tigDl_SUqpnt0kGADeLQ)


	13. I Had All, Then Most of You, Some and Now None of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo! another update and I gotta warn you...this one is a little bit painful, but there's hope, too, I promise. regardless, I hope you still enjoy it and thank you so much for the lovely feedback I've received so far. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'The Night We Met' by Lord Huron*
> 
> sending love and all the good thoughts 💖💜💙

“Hi.”

Bellamy didn’t know what to say to that. Some bitter piece of him was kind of ticked off. She came back after an entire month away, and that’s all she had to say to him? He wanted to walk away right then, say fuck it all. Let her explain to the rest of them why she’d left. He didn’t care anymore.

But just looking at her, and being confronted by the fact that she was back, he knew that wasn’t the truth. Rather, it was the furthest thing from it. He felt guilty for even thinking otherwise. 

The truth of it was he wanted to be happy she was here. More than anything. He wished it would come. The relief. The joy. That he’d want to sweep her in his arms and tell her he wasn’t angry. But he couldn’t, and the feelings didn’t come. Instead, he felt dread. Just because he was grateful she had returned didn’t mean all of the negative stuff went away. If anything, he felt it all stronger than ever. 

His friends made their exits almost as soon as Clarke came through the door and as if they were one unit. Making excuses and rushing out of the house as if it was on fire. Maybe it was. Maybe they wanted to avoid the destruction as much as they wanted to give the two of them space. Regardless, he was thankful they did it, even if the moment itself was as awkward as anything. 

Once the rest of them were gone, and Madi unpacking upstairs, they both sat down at the kitchen table. 

“Do mind if I...If I got some water?” she asked.

He nodded. “Of course, yeah.”

Once she was up though, she muttered, “Fuck, I might need something a bit stronger.” She turned to face him. “You want a beer?”

It was almost eight at night, but he wasn’t sure adding alcohol to the situation would be the best thing. Despite that, he agreed. He needed some courage from it, too, it seemed.

After she placed the bottle in front of him, she took the seat opposite him. He waited for her to speak, and couldn’t prevent the anger he felt when she didn’t. In spite of everything that had happened, he wanted to be patient. So, he gave her time and leaned back in his chair. 

She took a healthy sip from her beer before she finally said, “I don’t really know what to say.”

Now, that really made him pissed. “If that’s it, then I can just go.” 

But when he stood up to leave she got out, “Wait. Please, just…” She swallowed. “I don’t know the _right_ thing to say.”

He related to that and sank back down into his chair. There didn’t seem to be any words in existence that would begin to mend the rift between them. If she wanted to try though, then he would, too. Even if it hurt and didn’t make sense and didn’t actually do anything to fix what had been broken. 

“There isn’t one,” he decided. 

Her face crumpled a bit in defeat and shame. In any other situation, he would’ve reached out for her hand, or given her words of reassurance. But she had sunk his heart and love for her into an endless depth. He didn’t have it in him to give her comfort when they were talking about how much she’d hurt him. 

She recovered quickly enough. “I probably deserve that.”

He ran a hand across his mouth. “I don’t hate you.”

“Okay.” Her voice stuttered on the word and she looked the slightest bit relieved by the words. 

“I don’t know what’s gonna come of this or even what there is to discuss anymore, but...I could never hate you, and I need you to know that.” At that, he let his gaze soften, giving in to the desire to make her feel okay. Even if it was only a little. 

She nodded. “I know.” Then she added, “I guess I actually didn’t, but I hoped, I think. And then everyone’s messages made me think that it would be okay to come back. That you wouldn’t expel me from your life entirely.”

His mouth twisted into a slight grimace. “I don’t think I ever could do that, no matter what you did.” He swallowed. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing, though.”

Her resolve took a hit at that. “I don’t know either, but...I feel the same.”

He understood that, really, he did. He knew she was attempting to bridge the separation between them. But the words left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Except I wasn’t the one that ran,” he reminded her. 

“I know that. I am sorry about that, Bellamy. I’m so sorry I hurt you and everyone else...I know it doesn’t do anything to fix it, but I feel awful that I hurt you. I don’t know if you knew that, but I’m telling you, okay?” Her tone was a bit more firm, which shouldn’t have surprised him. “But you also still don’t know why I did it. Why I felt like I needed to.”

At that, he felt a little angrier and a little less crushed by the whole situation. The self-loathing part of him told him that he was the reason she’d left, that he’d fucked up and ruined things. Because he wasn’t enough for her, and never would be. 

There was another part though, perhaps a smaller but more vocal one, that said she wasn’t being fair. That it didn’t change anything. That she was the one to blame for this, and not him. He wasn’t proud of it and didn’t actually fully believe it. Nevertheless, it rang true to the pain he was feeling and gave him an outlet for it. 

“What does the reason change?” he asked. Before she could reply, he went on, “Because it doesn’t change anything. Not from my side of things.” 

She opened her mouth to protest but shut it and he didn’t stop. “Regardless of _why_ you did what you did, you went ahead and did it. Even though you knew what would happen. Knew you would hurt your family. Knew you would hurt _me_. I can’t see how any reason makes sense of that.”

“That’s not completely fair,” she started to argue. She shook her head. “But I don’t want to fight.” 

That surprised him, he didn’t realize there was much to fight about. Maybe there was though, maybe there were things he hadn’t yet confronted about the situation. He didn’t ask though, didn’t have the courage to. 

“I want to explain. At least, I want to try to. I don’t know if it’ll make you understand. I don’t know if it’ll help, but...Could you please let me try?”

He relented, unable to stop the wave of guilt and self-blame. He’d been too harsh or didn’t have all the information. Even though there was truth to what he’d just said, he didn’t want to hurt her. They’d both been through enough pain to last their entire lives. The last thing he wanted to do was add to it. Part of him wondered if it was possible to have this talk without doing it. If the beginning was anything to go by, it didn’t seem likely. 

Clarke took a deep breath. “I got scared. Not of you,” she clarified when she noticed the alarm he felt on his face. “Of everything. My whole life here, trying to rebuild something that I lost so long ago, that I barely even recognized. It’s so fragile. I’m so fragile.” 

He wanted to protest that, but she didn’t give him the room. “I didn’t feel like I had a choice, not at the time. There was only one thing that would fix it, and that was escaping it all. I know it’s not fair or even right, but…” She chewed on her lip. “I think it did help, in some small ways. Maybe you can never understand that, but I want you to. If you can. And if you can't, maybe you can try to respect it?” 

It took a moment for everything she’d told him to register. As much as he wanted to, he didn’t understand. Not even a little. He felt this urge to tell her that he did. To smooth everything over. But what good would that do in the long run? There wasn’t room for more hiding, and he owed it to them both to be honest. 

“You had a choice though, and you decided to leave.” He knew his words came at a surprise, but she managed to hide it well. So much so that he almost missed it. “And I want to respect that choice because you say it helped you. It didn’t help any of the rest of us, though. It didn’t help me. It just hurt us.” He sighed. “I don’t know if I can respect that, let alone understand it.”

It was an ugly truth, but it was how he felt. He couldn’t deny that any more than she could deny how she was feeling. Her reaction didn’t come as a shock, but it was still hard to process when she replied. 

Looking away from him, she said, “You don’t understand.”

“Because you won’t let me!” he burst out, unable to conceal the pain or the betrayal from his voice any longer. 

“That’s not fair.” Her eyes flashed back over to him. “I’ve been trying, okay? I’ve done everything I can to let you in, to make you understand. But you still don’t, even after months of working on it.” She shook her head. “Maybe you never will, and I have to accept that.”

“Is that what you want?” he asked. “Because if it is, then there’s nothing more for either one of us to say.”

“Of course it isn’t,” she responded, almost immediately. “But what else am I supposed to say? We’ve been trying at this for what feels like years, and it’s never gotten to the place where it’s good. Where it’s easy.” Her own voice reflected the hurt he felt. 

How could it be that they disagreed so vehemently, yet experienced the same pain? Neither one of them knew how to navigate their differing opinions, that much was clear. Somehow, they were still connected, still tied together in the most fundamental of ways. Even when he wanted to be separate from her, even when he felt worlds away from her, she managed to remain a part of him. 

Bellamy frowned. “I thought we agreed that it wasn’t going to be easy and that we’d do it anyway.”

“Aren’t you tired though?” she asked, and when he didn’t reply, she took that as confirmation. 

He wasn’t sure though, he hadn’t decided if he was done, not really. Not until he was sure that she was, too. “I mean, don’t you want to be with someone and have it be easy?”

“I never cared about easy or being tired or any of that.” He stared down at his beer. “All I ever wanted was you,” he confessed, and it felt bigger than ‘I love you’. 

She blinked away tears and told him, “Don’t you get what kind of pressure that is on me? To be _worthy_ of that much love?” 

She licked her lips and didn’t say anything for a minute. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter, more controlled. “I know you never meant it like that and I...It wasn’t _you_ that made it so I felt I had to run. It was _me_ , okay? It was the fact that I don’t know if I’ll ever be enough. For our friends. My dad. Madi. You.” She scoffed. “Hell, not even myself.”

He knew it wasn’t on either one of them that she felt this way. That it wasn’t a failure or a mistake. It was the situation. One neither one of them could pretend didn’t exist anymore. Bellamy had done everything he could to make Clarke feel like she was enough. Until she felt that for herself, it would never do her or him any good. 

That didn’t make his own hurt go away though, so he fired back, “Why couldn’t you tell me that? Why didn’t you open up to me instead of leaving in the middle of the night? Do you have any _idea_ what that did to me? How insane I felt without knowing if you were safe? I understand you think you’re not enough for yourself, for anyone, but why couldn’t you at least give me more than a couple of sentences on a piece of paper?” 

He didn’t just want to know, he needed to. To know that it really wasn’t his fault that she couldn’t open up about her six years in captivity. Or perhaps he craved some understanding that neither one of them would ever find. Regardless, he was unable to stop himself from asking the questions. 

“I never meant to hurt you, Bellamy,” she near-whispered. “That is the absolute last thing I would ever want to do and I’m so sorry that I did it the way I did. I’m not proud of it, and I know it was wrong now, but...I don’t know if I could’ve done it any other way.”

“Help me understand why,” he almost pleaded. “Because I don’t get it. I can’t comprehend why it had to go down like that, why you had to leave at all.”

“Because I had to,” she insisted. “I don’t...If you can’t see why then…”

“And that note, Clarke, I mean…” he trailed off and took a moment to regain some small amount of composure. 

“I’m sorry, okay? It wasn’t...It was awful but I had to get out. Can’t you at least try to see that?” She sounded just as desperate for him to understand her point of view as he was for her to understand his. He worried there was no bridging this strait. 

Without thinking about what it would do to them, he started to recite the note from memory. 

His tone was cold as he started, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t be here anymore. This isn’t what I thought it would be like, coming home.” 

Clarke winced at her own words, but he kept going. He was pretty sure he couldn’t have stopped, even if he wanted to. “It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do to fix it or me. I know you tried your best, and for that, I will always be thankful.” 

He practically scoffed on the last word. It hadn’t made sense to him when he read it, hadn’t during the fifth or eighteenth or thirtieth time he’d read her note. It didn’t now. That word ‘thankful’ made him feel sick. Stomaching the thought that she really believed that, that she thought saying this would make any of her leaving or ignoring his calls easier, was impossible. Even worse, Bellamy didn’t know if she meant it or if she had just said whatever came to mind to get him to abandon all hope for her and them and to create any kind of life together. There was no telling which one was worse or made him feel more devastated about the state of their relationship. 

Clarke started to say something, but he didn’t let her. She wanted him to read the note, well, he did. Now he needed her to understand just how much it had impacted him. 

He forced himself to get out the last bit. “I don’t want you to come after me. I don’t need you to. Madi and I will be fine without you. I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.” 

It was that part that really got to him, the fact that he wasn’t needed. That either she intended him to believe it so she could get away or because she truly did believe it. While the difference between the two was stark, both reasons produced the same feeling. The hopelessness, the despair, the need to know that she did love him, even if she was capable of writing something like that to him. Clarke hadn’t left any room for Bellamy to disagree, had fled before he had the chance to speak to her. In the month she’d been gone, he’d gone through a whirlwind of emotions and hadn’t even begun to try to make sense of them. Now they all hit him at once. 

“How can you explain this to me?” he asked. “The only thing I can come up with is you never gave a shit about me, or at least, you think I needed to believe that to give you space.”

“Of course, I care about you.” She was desperate and he had to look away from where tears were in her eyes. “Bellamy, _please_ believe me. I thought you wouldn’t let me go if I didn’t say those things.”

“And that makes it okay?” 

“No, it doesn’t,” she admitted. 

He sucked on his teeth and worked his jaw. “So why did you do it? Why did you feel like you had to leave? How in the hell was it good for you? Dammit, just tell me _why_ you did any of it.”

“Because!” she exclaimed. 

He shook his head. “Because why, Clarke?”

“You weren’t fucking there!” she shouted and then stood up abruptly, making the chair scrape along the floor. “You weren’t there in captivity with Madi and me, okay? You want to be there for me, I get it, I do.” 

She clutched at her chest and he was stunned into silence. Even if she’d given him the room to speak, he doubted he could’ve. “But you don’t understand, Bellamy.” She breathed out, “You can’t. _Because you weren’t there_.”

* * *

Stunned by her own words, Clarke stood still for a moment as they washed over them both. As much as part of her wanted to take them back, to believe they weren’t true, she knew better. Bellamy did want to be there for her, more than anything, it seemed. The fact that he didn’t understand what she went through would never change though. Not from his fault or hers or anyone else’s but the people that had tortured her. Knowing that couldn’t even begin the process of fixing their mutually broken hearts.

Bellamy stood up and leaned against the table, his palms flat on the tabletop. He hung his head and Clarke didn’t know if he would ever say anything. 

Eventually, still looking down at the table, he said, “You’re right.” For a moment, she was confused, but then she realized he wasn’t done. 

“I wasn’t there. I can never fix that or make it different.” Then he glanced up and stared her down. “But how the hell does that make any sense of why you did what you did? Why did you decide to hurt me like that?”

He didn’t understand, probably never would. It gutted her. Made her feel empty and alone, more so than she ever had during those six years. Clarke believed for so long that getting back would fix everything. But now she felt like she and Bellamy would never be okay again, and it fractured the bit of resolve she had left. The worst part? That neither one of them was even to blame, not fully. Maybe they were both emotional and not thinking clearly. And she now knew her leaving the way she had had been a mistake. But that didn’t change the situation. 

It didn’t matter if neither one had been trying to hurt the other. It had happened anyway. 

“I can’t explain it,” she said and he seemed so broken by the fact she made herself keep going. “Not because I don’t want to, but because...It will never make sense to you. Why I am the way I am. Because—”

“I wasn’t there,” he finished. 

Her hands were sweaty and she wiped them on her jeans and nodded. “Yes.”

“What happened?” he asked and she looked up. Clarke must’ve appeared alarmed by the question because he followed it up with, “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. And I know you’ve given me bits and pieces. But I feel like it’s not enough for me to understand or even begin to. I just...I don’t want to be pissed. I _want_ to get it.”

She scoffed, and the swell of irrational feelings swept over her. “What could knowing any of it possibly do?” 

“You say I wasn’t there, so tell me why that matters so much,” he said. 

Turning away from him, she crossed her arms over her chest. She focused on a picture of her and Bellamy and Madi. It was from the day at the zoo. They were all grinning and Clarke was mid-laugh. Probably at something Madi had said. She yearned to feel the happiness, the sense of peace, she’d had that day. It didn’t come. 

“You don’t wanna know.”

He sighed. “Can’t you let me decide that for myself?”

She bit her lip, still unable to face him as she started to speak. “I don’t want you to blame yourself even more than you do. It won’t fix anything or change it or make any of it easier. It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay. And there isn’t anything you can do to make it better.”

A small piece of her wanted that to be the end, wanted him to give up and leave. To admit defeat. She knew Bellamy though, and that wouldn’t have been him. 

True to form, he told her, “Clarke, I know all of that, okay? I know. But I don’t have the smallest idea of why you insisted on cutting me out. Hell, why you _still are_.”

That didn’t seem fair to her, though. “I’m not!” He didn’t believe her though and she shot a glare at him. “You think I am but that’s the easy answer. Fine, I am pushing you away, alright? But fuck, you think it isn’t understandable?”

“I don’t see how,” he argued. “You’ve been through so much, Clarke, I know—”

She couldn’t help it, she took a sharp breath and shouted, “You don’t know!” Her exclamation silenced him and she took advantage of it. 

“You don’t know how it felt when I was all alone in the beginning, thinking I was going to die every single day. The Azgedians made me believe they were going to kill me at any moment. And then, even when I had Madi, all I could think about was when they would take her away from me, or when they would kill me and leave her all alone, with no one to protect her.” 

She ran a hand through her hair and held up a hand as he started to speak. “You wanted to know? I’m telling you, okay? Things were...Really bad. But then I got Madi in my life, and everything had a purpose again. I had a purpose. There would be no one else to care for her if I wasn’t there and that...It’s how I survived. But even then it came with more fear and suffering.”

Clarke took a moment to gather herself. There was no delicate way to communicate what she’d been through. No proper means for her to tell him how she’d gotten her scars. The mental ones as well as the ones on her face and back. But she was done not telling him. In the end, it hadn’t done either one of them any good. 

She gave as much detail about it as she could. Telling him how she had received the ones on her face first, for defying the people that were holding her captive. The ones on her back were to protect Madi. That time, it’d been her daughter that had tried to fight back. Clarke refused to let her take the punishment. Her voice was cold, almost clinical as she gave him the details. The trauma of it. How she almost died when one of the ones on her back got infected. She’d never been so relieved when she finished. That left an even harder story to tell though, one she didn’t know either one of them were ready to hear. 

The next bit was going to be the hardest part, she knew. Before, she hadn’t wanted to tell Bellamy, but she almost felt compelled to do it. Not to hurt him, but in the hope that he could even have a glimmer of understanding of why she’d done what she had. 

“There were days when I wanted to give up. When I wanted to die. Because of the loneliness and the constant fear. Before I met Madi…” She took a deep breath and let out, “I did try it once.” The tears pricked behind Clarke’s eyes and she avoided his eye, unable to take in the utter turmoil there. “I was so exhausted and…I didn’t want to have to survive anymore. I wanted to be done. So I tried. It didn’t work. Three days later they put me with Madi.”

Her voice broke and she had to move on. It was too much to dwell on, and she doubted even Bellamy wanted all of the details. More than that though, she didn’t have the strength to make herself sit with the feeling of it, the knowledge of just how bad she’d gotten. The amount of pain and regret and self-hatred was too much for her to focus on. Clarke let herself continue, though she knew she couldn’t hold back the tears much longer.

Her eyes drifted to Bellamy but she didn’t meet his eye, didn’t know if she could tell him what she needed to if she did. “And Madi might’ve been how I got through it, but it was because of _you_ that I stayed sane.”

Even though he was the one that told her he loved her, even though she had never returned it, that admission felt heavier than any confession of those three words ever could.

Clarke mustered up some kind of strength and continued, “There were other moments when I would think of you or the others, and it would be the only thing that got me through the day. I would imagine coming back here and how amazing it would be and then I did and it was…” 

She flicked her eyes at his for a moment before staring down the wall again. “It was _so much_. In both good and bad ways. The you part though, that was...” she trailed off and looked over at him. Managing the smallest hint of a smile she went on, “The you part was the best thing that happened to me. It was more than I believed I deserved after all that I did during our tours. I wanted it so bad for so long and then I got it and I realized that I can’t do it. Not the way you need me to.” 

Clarke felt the tears fall then and brushed them away harshly. Bellamy hadn’t moved, but she sensed that was for her benefit and not because he didn’t want to. If she allowed it, she would already be in his arms. As much as she may have wanted it, and as easy as it would’ve been to let herself collapse into him in the moment, she couldn’t do it. In the end, they’d end up at the same place, and that wouldn’t be fair to either one of them. 

“I know you want to understand me, I know you’re trying, but I don’t even understand me _. I don’t know why I am the way I am_.” 

Her whole body shook and she didn’t have the strength to push Bellamy away when he reacted as soon as she was done talking, sweeping her into a hug. Clarke grasped her arms around him, pulling him as close as possible. For a long time, they stood like that, holding one another. She knew what it meant, what they still had to do. 

It didn’t make it hurt any less when it happened. 

When they pulled away, she saw that he was crying too. She reached up and ran a hand along his cheek, wiping away the tears there. He brushed a piece of hair behind her ear and she did her best to steady her breathing, not that it worked. 

They took another minute to just be with one another before he said, “I have to give you the space to try and understand it. Try to understand yourself.”

She smiled sadly. The tears may have subsided but she already felt them building up again. “I know.”

His breathing shook and his eyes didn’t leave hers. “I still love you.”

Clarke sniffed and nodded. “I know.” 

“But,” he swallowed thickly, “neither one of us is getting what we need right now. And I won’t hurt you with any more.”

“I won’t hurt you anymore either,” she told him. 

“Okay,” he whispered. He took a deep breath and moved out of her reach. “I think I have to move out.”

It was the last thing she wanted, but she knew he was right. “I know...I don’t want you to but—”

It was his turn to say, “I know.”

“I’ll talk to Madi,” she offered.

“You can make me the bad guy if you want,” he replied.

In spite of it all, she laughed a little. “Like she’d ever believe that.”

He laughed too, miraculously. It made everything feel a little less tragic. A little less like something between them had died. 

“I still—” he started but then stopped.

Clarke sensed what he was going to say anyway. “You’re always going to be in my life, Bellamy. And Madi’s, too. But I think…”

“We both need some time,” he said. 

She agreed. They couldn’t jump from everything to just friends like that. It would never work. Would only put them both through more pain. There was no telling how much time they would need, but there was the assurance that they would find a way to be in one another’s lives. One day. 

Bellamy went upstairs for a couple of minutes and packed a bag. “I’ll stop by and pick up the rest some other time,” he explained. 

Clarke swallowed. “Bellamy...I really wanted it to work.” She didn’t know what else to say, wasn’t sure there was anything that she could say, so she put all of what she was feeling into her voice. 

He understood her meaning, she didn’t see it, but rather, _felt_ it. “Me too.”

Bellamy stepped close and she let him, wondering what he was going to do. They didn’t hug again though. Instead, his lips quirked up, just a ghost of a smile. He kissed her on the forehead, and she closed her eyes, letting herself melt into the moment. Into the closeness of him. After all, she wasn’t sure they would ever be close like this again. 

Then he was gone, and the sadness hit her fully. 

Madi was upset when she told her what happened, Clarke could tell. She was trying to be strong though, and take it in stride. At least it wasn’t a complete shock since Madi confessed she’d heard most of the conversation. She didn’t have her in her to chastise her for eavesdropping. Instead, she pulled her into a tight hug. 

When they released one another, Madi grabbed her hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “It’s gonna be okay, Clarke. You’ll see.”

It seemed impossible, but somehow, she believed Madi’s words. While the pain and heartbreak were endless, she couldn’t help but feel the smallest drop of hope. The hope that she would find herself again. That Madi would be happy. That life would get to a point where it could be...Good. And maybe, just maybe, the hope that she and Bellamy would find a way back to one another, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=exU1uFPPR0qlyO0jZezQZA)


	14. We Let Our Shadows Fall Away Like Dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update today because...well, honestly, I've got a decent amount of projects underway that I want to share, but want to make sure I wrap this one up before I do. hope that's okay!
> 
> this one has some important developments for Clarke and Bellamy as individuals and then an important addition to the group!
> 
> *tw for mentions of blood*
> 
> *chapter title is from 'You Are Enough' by Sleeping At Last*
> 
> sending all of the love and good thoughts 💖💜💙

_Two Months Later_

Clarke saw Bellamy for the first time since he moved out not because she planned it, but because of circumstances out of both of their control. 

It wasn’t that they didn’t want to see one another. They’d just decided it was for the best. They had allowed themselves to text occasionally, but that was the only contact so far. After everything had gone down and she was able to stop crying, she knew they both needed time and distance before they went back to being friends. Or whatever they would be. They hadn’t really discussed it yet. 

She kept herself busy though, finding ways to do what Bellamy wanted for her. What she wanted for herself. Most of the time she thought it was an impossible feat. That didn’t make her stop trying though. 

Clarke got a new therapist for one. Someone Jasper recommended through his own training at a practice he hoped to work for one day. A man named Gabriel who had seemingly been working there for centuries. His office was decorated with earth tones that made her feel like she was in a forest or something. Not a scary one though, one that comforted her. It took two sessions, but she opened up to him more than she ever had with Jane. 

It was his idea for her to start journaling everything. 

Well, not everything, but the stuff she wanted to remember, the emotions and thoughts that would be useful to revisit and examine further. It weirded her out at first and took a while for her to get used to it. Once she did though, it came easily. Like the journal entries she’d written to Bellamy when she was in captivity. The ones she hadn’t thought about in months. Without even thinking about it, she wrote these journals to Bellamy, too. 

When she asked Gabriel if he thought this was healthy, he just smiled and told her, “Clarke, we’re here to help _you_ so if you find something that works and makes the process easier, then that’s a good thing.” Though when he saw her worries weren’t fully soothed he’d added, “And if we need to revisit it, we will. But for now, just do what comes naturally.”

She’d agreed, and had kept at the writing for about five weeks now. He never made her share what she wrote about. At first, she had barely mentioned anything she’d written down. Now though, there was enough trust between the two of them for her to share almost everything. 

“How’s Madi?” Gabriel asked as they settled into their session. 

He always asked about her, which gave Clarke the impression that he really did care about her life. She knew he was her therapist first, but she also thought he might’ve been something like a friend. Or at least, an ally. One who helped her when she could barely help herself.

“She’s good. Complaining about how much homework she had this weekend.” Clarke rolled her eyes but smiled. “It’s nice. It almost felt _normal_ , you know?”

“We like normal,” Gabriel replied, returning her grin with one of his own. 

She nodded. “Yes, we do. I never thought I’d be able to give her that, and whenever I see that I might have, even in the smallest of ways...It makes everything worth it.”

“And you?” he asked. “Are you feeling ‘normal’ too?”

That was a more difficult question. She pondered it for a moment. “I’m not sure.” Shrugging, she added, “I want to feel it, but sometimes I worry that if I let myself, it’s all going to fall apart again.”

“But,” he pointed out, “you’ve said that it has felt like it’s fallen apart before, and yet, here you still are. Making your way through it. Despite it all.”

“Am I?” she asked him. 

He gave her an unimpressed look and she laughed. 

“Okay, okay. I know the answer to that. I know I’m doing everything I can, and I should be proud of that. But I can’t help but be frustrated that I haven’t made more progress.” She sighed. “I’m still scared. I feel broken and empty sometimes. And when I do, I can’t help but feel as if it’s going to be this way forever.”

Gabriel pushed his sweater up on his forearms before he spoke. “Of course, you are. You’ve been through far more than most people can even imagine, that’ll never change. But you can shift how you think of yourself in the narrative. When you came in for your first session, one of the first things you told me was that you’re not a hero for what you did. But your strength, your resilience, that’s what makes you nothing short of it, Clarke.”

She took a breath to regain some of her resolve. “It’s hard to think of myself that way after everything I did. After everything I had done to me, too, I guess.”

“I know.”

“And I hate feeling this way,” she got out. 

“How?” he asked, though she was pretty sure he was just prompting her so she felt she could continue to talk about it.

“Weak.” She swallowed. “Even if I’ve survived my tours and then the six years in captivity and somehow made it through, I still don’t know why I do half the things I do. I still don’t know how to communicate it all to the people that love me.” She added bitterly, “I had something perfect, and I fucked it all up because of my stupid brain.”

Gabriel liked Bellamy. Clarke could tell, even if he never said it. But he was _her_ therapist, and he never let her forget that. 

“The people who love you, you think they’re understanding though?” Gabriel no doubt already knew the answer to that, he just wanted her to remind herself of it. 

“You know I know they are,” she told him. He gave her a wry smile. She bit her lip before adding, “That doesn’t fix what happened between me and Bellamy though. Doesn’t change the fact that my inability to work out my shit ruined us.”

He was quick to argue that point, “But you both agreed you needed the space, that you had things you had to work on.”

She relented a little. “I know. Doesn’t make it suck any less.”

“I agree. It sucks big time,” he said and she smiled even though she wondered how she managed it when she was talking about Bellamy. About what they’d both lost. 

Maybe part of the reason they’d broken up was him, too, but she couldn’t hide from the part that was all her. That one scared her more. Even as she’d been working on it for weeks, she worried by the time she felt ready to tell him she wanted to try again, it would be too late. Or worse, that she would never be ready. 

“I’m scared that even if I work on it forever, it’ll never be enough,” she found the courage to say.

Gabriel seemed to understand. Though she wasn’t sure if she even did. “I think we need to throw out that word.”

“What?”

“I hate that word,” he continued. “ _Enough_...It’s bullshit.” She scoffed and laughed a bit, but he went on, “You’ve said ‘enough’ more than any other word during our sessions. And I think we need to cancel it.”

“But...It’s _true_ ,” she argued. “And canceling the word isn’t going to take away the feeling.”

He agreed to the last part. “Maybe not. But I think you’re using it as a means to explain away everything. As a way to already decide you aren’t going to be who you want or think you have to be. Instead, I just want to focus on who you are. Right now. How to be happy and fulfilled as this version of Clarke.”

She pressed her lips together. “This version hasn’t done a whole lot of good.”

He raised a brow. “This version has done more than most people ever could.” 

He gave her a reassuring smile, and it did comfort her, even if she didn’t really believe it. “Look, I know it might not fix anything, might not even make a dent. But I think it is worth a shot. So, no more ‘enough’, alright? No more worrying if you are or how you’re going to be one day or if anything you’re doing is it. That word is dead to us. For now, at least.”

She gave in pretty easily, which she told herself had everything to do with his resolve and nothing to do with him being right. “Fine. No more ‘enough’.”

“Great.” Gabriel rubbed his hands together. “Now, last time, you started talking about your job search. How’s that going?”

Clarke flung herself into the shift in subject, which she knew was on purpose on his part. Still, she didn’t care because she _was_ excited to discuss her newfound prospects. That was one area where she thought her life might not always be a complete wreck. 

Gabriel had described that assembling her life wasn’t a puzzle. It wasn’t about fitting the pieces together perfectly and making some work of art. Rather, he wanted her to focus on little habits that could change her life every day. Small shifts, and at times, big ones, too, where she could begin to feel like she had control again. She had no idea if any of it would work in the long run, but for her friends, for Bellamy and Madi and her dad, she was willing to try. Most importantly though, she had discovered, she wanted to try for _herself._

After therapy, Clarke had arranged to meet her mom for lunch at the greasy diner. This time, she wanted things to be on her ‘turf’ when they talked. For a while, she’d gone back and forth between wanting to speak to her again after what the other had put her through. In the end, though, it was Octavia that convinced her. 

“I don’t like her, you know that,” she’d said. “But she’s your mom. Even if you never want to see her again after this, which mind you, I would definitely respect...I think you want to see her. If only to tell her she was dead wrong about you.”

About three weeks after Clarke had come home, she broke and told most of her friends what had happened that led up to her fleeing. They understood and told her they loved her, which only made her feel worse. Of course, they picked up on that too, and the whole thing turned much more emotional than she would’ve liked. 

She knew Octavia was right though. Her mom was wrong, and Clarke needed her to know that. But even after everything they’d been through, she _was_ still her mom. That meant something.

The lunch would surely be tense and she wasn’t even sure what would come of it, but it was another thing she felt she had to do. If she ever wanted to stop hurting so much, she had to process everything that happened to her. Whether she wanted to really speak to Abby again or not, she was definitely one of those things.

“Hi, Mom,” Clarke said, her tone more than a little flat, as she sat down opposite her. 

She didn’t know how long the other woman had been there, but probably a while from the state of her ripped up napkin.

“Thank you so much for coming, honey,” she replied. 

Clarke only nodded. 

“I know I don’t…” Abby swallowed. “I know I don’t deserve it after what happened. What _I_ did. It’s unforgivable so I just...I really am thankful you agreed to come.”

She let out a breath and nodded. “No, you probably don’t. But...I’m here, doing this, for me, not you.”

“Clarke—”

“No,” she said. “I get to talk first. Then you.”

Her mom looked pained but didn’t say another word, giving her the room to speak. At least that wouldn’t be another fight. Clarke had prepared herself for things to be difficult, but there was only so much she could do in the face of everything that had happened. 

She took a deep breath before she said, “What you did is unforgivable.”

“I can pay you back for everything you lost and—” Abby started, but Clarke cut her off. 

“I don’t care about the _stuff_. It’s the fact that you hurt me, and while it wasn’t you directly and I know you’re sick, it didn’t stop you from doing it. More than that though, I care that you told me that we’re the same when that couldn’t be further from the truth.” 

Though the part about the stuff wasn’t quite true. Even though they’d managed to get some of her things back, they hadn’t been able to find her dad’s watch. Her dad assured her that he didn’t care, that all he wanted was for her to be safe. He was pissed at Abby for possibly endangering her and Madi, and she couldn’t blame him. Not after she’d experienced first-hand what her mom was now capable of. It still hurt though, not having the heirloom that had helped remind her of who she had been during all that lost time. 

“I’m sorry about it all,” her mom clarified. 

Clarke sighed. “I know you are, but that doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t make what you did any less of a betrayal of my trust and love.” Her face heated up with the anger she’d been holding in. “I believed in you, and you took advantage of that.”

To her credit, Abby didn’t disagree. She took it, perhaps too well. Like she’d had this conversation before. Clarke wondered if she had, just with Octavia or Raven instead of her. Maybe one day, when the wounds weren’t as fresh, the three of them could talk about the complicated woman her mother was. For now, though, she just needed to get through this lunch. 

“I know I can never make it up to you,” her mom said. “But I want to try. I want to be worthy of that belief you had.”

Clarke worked her jaw. “I’m not sure if you ever can earn back my trust. Not completely. And don’t give me the ‘I’m your family’ crap, and ‘family can forgive anything’, okay? I made a family all on my own. Maybe I may still want you in my life for _me_ and for Madi, that doesn’t mean I can’t cut you out whenever I want.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

Clarke raised a brow and asked, “You suppose?”

For a moment, it looked like she would argue, but in the end, she gave in. “You’re right, okay? Raven and Octavia were right not to trust me. I get that. But I am working on the program. For real this time. And if you’ll have me, there’s nothing I’d want more than to be in your life.”

She took a moment to consider things. It was comforting to know that she could walk away right now if she wanted, and be fine. Abby wasn’t a requirement in her life, and that felt freeing. She knew her mom would let her leave, too, if that’s what she wanted. Clarke hoped that that was because Abby understood how far she’d fallen, and how much pain she’d caused, than because it was the easy thing to do. No matter what the other woman said, she knew she would never fully know if it was the truth. If Clarke wanted to have a relationship with her, she’d have to suspend some of her fears that she would get caught in the woman’s wreckage again. 

“I am willing to let you try,” Clarke finally told her after a while. “But just one more chance. You hurt me or Madi or any one of the others again, and I’m done.”

Clarke’s decision was reinforced when Abby replied right away, “I understand. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Don’t promise. Those haven’t done us any good. You can try though. That’s all you can do.”

With the tension released from finally discussing things, Clarke let the conversation drift to other topics. She didn’t mention Bellamy aside from telling Abby they broke up. 

To her utmost surprise, her mom had frowned and said, “That’s too bad. I’m sorry, sweetie. He’s a good person and I thought...Well, I’m sorry, all the same.”

Clarke wanted to ask exactly what she thought but didn’t have the courage. Instead, she switched topics to Madi. For the rest of the meal, she pretended the comment didn’t practically consume all of her thoughts. The two of them parted on good terms, with Clarke saying she would contact her about coffee or something. 

She knew that allowing her mom in her life was a risky move. One that could come back and destroy so much of her progress. But she’d lost so much. She didn’t want her mom to be one more thing she didn’t get to have in her life. As she left the diner and headed home, she felt maybe not happy, but could certainly breathe easier. Like some of the pressure had been lifted off of her chest

* * *

Bellamy thought of Clarke often, but Indra was trying to get him to let go a bit, and even if it hurt a little, it was working. Maybe not in the way of him getting over her, but in the sense that he could go about his day without worrying himself to death about how she was doing or if she was okay. That didn’t mean he was completely free of those thoughts, but he was able to focus on himself. 

He was crashing with Jasper, for the time being, the other simultaneously heartbroken by Bellamy and Clarke’s break-up and elated to have a new roommate. He missed Clarke and Madi, obviously, but he was having fun with his new living situation. If only because Jasper never failed to be entertaining while also seeing through any bullshit that Bellamy might’ve tried to put out. 

Which he had tried, he’d admit. The first day, Jasper asked him how he was, how he _really_ was, and his first instinct had been to lie and pretend he was fine. When he’d told Jasper this though, the other called him on it. 

“You can do much better than that,” Jasper told him. “Which makes me think you subconsciously want to talk about it but think that you’re not allowed to or don’t deserve to be going through it right now.” Then he’d smirked and asked, “How’d I do?”

He must’ve been on to something since Bellamy gave in without much of a fight. “Fine. You might have a point.”

Jasper, to his credit, held back from looking _too_ pleased and instead invited Bellamy to have his ass kicked at a video game and talk about things only if he really wanted to. While it took one round of ass-kicking, he ended up becoming comfortable enough to bring up Clarke. They didn’t discuss her too long or in too much detail, that part came around week two. It felt maybe not good, but at least helpful to acknowledge her, and what had happened between them. It also turned out, Jasper could be one hell of a listener. 

Harper and Monty were over for dinner when it’d been about two months since he’d moved out and seen Clarke last. Bellamy hesitated to say it, but tentatively, he allowed himself to think that things were going pretty well, despite it all. He could only hope that it was the same for her. The longer their separation stretched on, the more he worried that she was moving on without him, finding her life far less complicated without him in it. Clarke might’ve promised that she would always want him to be in her and Madi’s lives, but maybe she discovered that things were better without him. 

His friends assured him that this was the furthest thing from the truth. 

“Bellamy, you know that it’s so much more complicated than that. She cares about you _so much._ But you said so yourself just last week that you’re hoping time apart will be good for the both of you when you see one another again,” Harper said, setting down her fork and looking at him in a way that could only be described as Mom. Which, considering she was eight months along, wasn’t all that surprising. 

It still jarred him a little, how much life continued to go on, and he couldn’t believe that in about a month, his friends would actually be parents. While terrifying, the thought also comforted him. Made him know that there were good things in the world, and gave him hope that he might get that kind of peace and happiness one day, too. If there was any luck, then that would be with Clarke, but he didn’t want to let himself think about that more than was good for him. 

“Harper’s right,” Monty cut in before he could even move to argue. “I know this whole thing feels messy right now, but...” He shot a look at Harper and she nodded slightly. “We all believe in the two of you. Maybe not for this moment exactly, but one day, certainly.”

The words surprised Bellamy a little. If only because he thought he’d been a little pathetic to cling onto hope. He hadn’t imagined that his friends had hope, too. It gave him far too much of a rush, and he did his best to swallow it down so they wouldn’t be able to tell how much it got to him. Though knowing them, they knew right away. 

He managed a, “Thanks, you guys,” eventually, though it felt more impactful than he meant. 

Jasper nodded sympathetically. “If it makes you feel better, we’re kind of forced into it since we made t-shirts with your faces on them.”

Monty snorted and Bellamy grinned, shaking his head. Though he didn’t voice it, a surge of gratefulness filled him towards the other. He could always count on Jasper to lighten the tenseness of a situation. One where the last thing he wanted was to break down. 

So caught up in the momentary joy, it took him a moment to notice Harper had folded over sideways. Mony immediately went to his feet, going over to lean beside her. 

“Something’s wrong,” Harper got out between deep breaths. 

Jasper was already on the phone. Meanwhile, Bellamy sprang up to get her water. When he returned, Monty was rubbing Harper’s arms. They met eyes for a moment and he saw the look of utter fear in his friend’s eyes. He had worked so hard to make sure he never had to feel that again. This wasn’t the fear of war though, somehow, this was so much worse. Maybe because they’d let themselves believe they were safe once they were home, and done with their tours. But life didn’t work like that. It could take everything from you in a moment. 

“Monty…” Harper trailed off. That was when Bellamy saw the blood. 

Harper noticed it at the same time and her breathing became more panicked, coming in and out rapidly. Bellamy glanced at Jasper, who had just gotten off the phone with the hospital, alerting them that they were going to be coming in. It appeared as if all of the color had been completely drained from him. His hands were shaking, so while Monty tried to get Harper to take slow, deep breaths, Bellamy went over to him and grasped his shoulder. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he assured him, though there was no way for him to know that.

Jasper swallowed down his fear. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Though both of them knew the truth was much more complicated, they seemed to need the comfort the words provided. There couldn’t be a world in which Harper or the baby wasn’t safe. It just wouldn’t be fair. 

Harper stood and said with more resolve than Bellamy thought possible, “We have to go.” 

Bellamy went over to her to grasp her arm and help. But then she nearly collapsed in his arms. With it, the last shred of Monty’s composure broke. 

“Bellamy I—” Monty started, but he couldn’t reply because he was too busy making sure Harper got back into a chair. 

Once he got her situated, gripping onto Monty’s hand as if it was a lifeline, he took out his phone and hit the first number on speed dial. 

“We already called the hospital,” Jasper exclaimed.

Bellamy shook his head. “I know.” He paused. “I’m calling Clarke.”

“Bellamy?” she asked. Her voice filled with confusion in the background, he heard Madi ask something. “Is something wrong is—”

“It’s Harper. I think she might be going into labor but her water didn’t break and she’s bleeding and having trouble breathing and—” 

Before he could even get the rest out, Clarke started giving him directions on what to do and how to do it. Then she told them to get to the hospital as soon as they could without endangering any of them. She would be there waiting for them and would use any kind of pull she had to get them the best doctors in the place. 

Bellamy was grateful for the reminder, because if she hadn’t, then he probably would’ve run every red light they came across. Luckily, they managed to get to the hospital in less than twenty minutes. Still, it felt like forever, driving the car as both Monty and Jasper freaked out and Harper shot him this look of fear yet somehow determination from the backseat. He felt a simultaneous ferocious need to protect her and amazement at her bravery. 

They rushed through the emergency room, and there was barely time for him and Clarke to acknowledge one another before Harper was whisked away into surgery. Madi was by Clarke’s side and the two of them were clinging to one another’s hands. Monty had tried to go with Harper, but the doctors said it wouldn’t be a typical c-section, that they weren’t even sure what the problem was. Clarke demanded they get answers as soon as they knew something, and Bellamy was pretty sure she terrified the resident speaking to them so badly she nearly peed her pants. 

Monty paced around the waiting room, running his hand through his hair. Clarke asked him if there was anyone else they should call. It took him a moment to get it together enough to reply. 

“Call everyone.” He swallowed. “I’m freaking the fuck out and if...If something happens, Harper deserves everyone.”

Clarke nodded and started to go off to make the phone calls, but Jasper touched her arm and said, “Let me.” And then in a lower tone, “I need to do something or I think I’m gonna lose it.”

“Okay,” Bellamy heard her say, and she came back over and sat beside him. Madi took the chair on the other side, playing with her phone, but he could tell by the way she flicked her eyes from Monty to Bellamy and Clarke that she was worried, too.

Clarke took a deep breath and rubbed her hands over her thighs before she buried her head in her hands. Shooting a worried look over at Monty, who nodded steadily and looked towards Clarke, Bellamy turned back to her and started to rub circles into her back. At first, the touch was tentative, so she could pull away if she wanted. When she leaned into it though, so did he. 

“If Harper…” she trailed off, and he sensed it took so much effort to even get those two words out. She leaned up and looked at him and he removed his hand. When he did, she reached out and grasped his hand in hers. “Is this okay?” she asked, and he realized she was talking about the casual touches between them.

His brow furrowed. “Of course, it is. Why wouldn’t it be?” She just gave him a look and he worked his jaw before adding, “I know we both needed time and space, and hell, I’m not sure if I’ll ever know when we’ve had enough. But I do know that right now, in this moment, I need you.”

“I need you too,” she replied and he felt himself soften at the words in the most shameless of ways. 

It didn’t matter that it’d been two months since he’d last seen and talked to her, she would always have this kind of effect on him. Maybe that wasn’t a wholly good thing. It was the reality though, and he wouldn’t bother hiding from it. Not when he’d missed her so much during their self-imposed separation.

He wanted to say more, but then, O and Lincoln walked into the waiting room. She bounded at Monty and gave him the longest hug he’d ever seen her give _anyone_. Lincoln came over and sat with them, and Clarke updated him about the situation. He had worked as a nurse years ago and offered as much comfort as he could. 

There wasn’t time to talk after that since their friends kept trickling in at a steady pace, and all thoughts were on Harper while all their actions went towards making sure Monty knew how much support he had behind him. He and Clarke stayed near one another though, mirroring each other’s movements and never straying too out of reach in case they needed the other one’s comfort. It felt eerily familiar to old times when they were overseas in war-zones, everyone looking to the two of them for guidance. They worked together to make sure they all knew things would be okay. That this was just one more thing they had to survive, but they would, just like all the other times. It was a heavy burden to carry, but with Clarke, he never fully felt the strain. 

Much of the time that night, and into the early morning, was spent waiting. Once everyone had been updated and a resident had come out and told them the surgery was underway and they’d know more soon, there wasn’t much else to do. 

Raven and Echo got everyone crappy coffee and tea from the cafeteria. They were all lost in their own thoughts, Monty staring off into space while Jasper switched between shooting worried looks at him and Bellamy. 

He noticed that Raven was holding Echo’s hand but he didn’t think about it too much. They were all looking for help from one another, in any way they could find it. O’s brow was creased though and she tilted her head to the side as she examined the two of them. Echo opened her mouth to say something, but his sister beat her to it.

“Are you two fucking?” O asked.

Clarke made a squawk of protest and inclined her head towards Madi, whose eyes went a little wide. Miller started having a coughing fit, in part because Bellamy was pretty sure he was trying to hide a laugh. 

Lincoln groaned and said, “Octavia, we’ve discussed this, you can’t just ask people if they’re sleeping together. I mean...Do you see _where we are_?”

To her credit, she did look a bit ashamed. “I’m sorry,” she told Monty. “But come on! I can’t be the only one that’s noticed it right?”

Raven scoffed. “Why would you even say that?”

O raised a brow and inclined her head at the two women’s joined hands.

Raven started to sputter out something that almost resembled words but it was Jasper that said, “Holy shit, you are!”

Bellamy frowned and all of the interactions he’d witnessed between the two suddenly came in at a completely different light. 

“So, you gonna finally admit it?” O asked Echo, who looked over at Raven. As if asking a silent question. 

“I don’t wanna take shit away from you, Monty,” Raven said, concern on her face.

He huffed a laugh in reply. “Please. Take the attention off of me, I beg you.”

“Well, we, you know…” Raven started to say but stopped. 

“Oh, fuck it,” Echo muttered. “Yes, we are, okay? But…” She had as much of a smile as Bellamy had ever seen from her when she added, “it’s not just sleeping together. We’re...A thing, I guess.”

O narrowed her eyes at Echo and then looked over at Raven. “She treating you right?”

Raven rolled her eyes but replied, “Yes, she is.”

Things hadn’t always been easy or good between his sister and Echo, but she took a moment to consider Raven’s words. Then she nodded and gave her approval. “Very well then.” She jutted out her chin and said to Echo, “But if you hurt one beautiful silky hair on her head, I’ll end you.”

Lincoln cut in, “Please don’t tell people you’re going to end them, babe.”

O didn’t budge though, and Echo managed to keep a straight face when she responded, “Fair enough.”

“Has this been happening the whole time?” Jasper asked, his mouth practically hanging open.

Echo smirked a little. “You guys are really oblivious, you know that?”

Raven looked a little sheepish but admitted, “It’s been a couple of months. It started right before Clarke got back.” Clarke must’ve seemed worried at that, because she added, “But we decided not to tell anyone for a while because we were both still figuring it all out. Not because of you, okay?”

Clarke chewed on her lip but seemed to accept it. 

“Can’t wait for you to be disgusting with each other now that you’re actually owning up to it,” Murphy cracked. 

At that, Emori said, “Please. I was the one that told you I thought there was something going on.” She grinned at the rest of them. “He was rooting for it though. The softie.”

Murphy scoffed in protest but Emori just raised her brows and he shrugged. “Fine. She might have a bit of a point.”

Raven tilted her head to the side. “Aw, Murphy, that’s both disgustingly sappy and kind of sweet.”

“Yeah, I really go for that ideal middle ground,” he shot back.

Bellamy and Clarke exchanged a look at that and she grinned a little. In spite of the circumstances, and the worry for Harper and the baby that filled everyone’s thoughts, he was grateful for the slight shift in the air. For a moment, they weren’t a family fearing they were about to lose one of their own, but able to tease each other about the mushy feelings of a new relationship. 

The ease of it was broken when the resident who’d been updating them came back out. Monty was already walking over to her. They spoke for a minute and when Bellamy saw the other smile, he felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders. Losing more people, especially Harper and the baby, wouldn’t be one more thing Monty would have to shoulder. Joy pulsed through him, not just for his friend, but for all of them. 

By the time Monty came over, they were all a mess of anticipation. 

“So?” Clarke asked, her eyes wide, a hint of a smile on her lips. 

Monty was on the verge of tears, but happy ones. Ones of relief and something else Bellamy didn’t know.

“Harper’s okay, she’s resting and I’ll be able to see her in a bit. And…” He took a steadying breath. “I have a son. He’s early, so they have to keep him here for a couple of weeks, and they’re going to be monitoring him closely but...” He cried fully then. “Harper’s gonna be okay, and I’m a _dad_.”

They all devolved into tears and smiles and exclamations of love after that. It was the sappiest Bellamy had ever seen any of them at any one time. Maybe in a different situation, they would’ve had more self-control, but they were all so thankful that this hadn’t turned into another night of tragedy, they couldn’t hold it in. Bellamy didn’t even _want_ to hold it in. 

Once they were all blubbering disasters, Monty rushed off to see his son. They all had to take turns going in with him, and Octavia called first. Madi busied the rest of them by showing them videos on her phone that had them cracking up laughing. Bellamy took the opportunity to sit beside Clarke again. 

“Can you believe it?” he asked.

“Which part?” she breathed out, shifting her head to the side to look over at him. 

“Any of it.”

She shook her head. “Not at all. When you called, and I heard how you sounded, I really thought we were gonna lose her.”

He nodded. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Giving him a look, she said, “It’s scary.” Then she paused. “I’m getting better at being scared though.”

He sensed they weren’t just talking about Harper anymore and asked, “Yeah?”

“It’s not great, not yet, and I don’t know when it will be but yeah, it’s better...I know I can’t ask you to—”

“I’ll wait,” he finished for her. She started to shake her head ‘no’ but he didn’t let her speak. “How about this: if you’ll wait for me to be okay, too, then I get to wait for you?”

She didn’t seem like she believed he needed her to wait for him, too, but she nodded nonetheless. “I think we can manage that. But don’t put your life on hold for me or—”

“Clarke,” he started, “you’re not a pause in my life…” He ran a hand across the back of his neck. “You’re like...The beginning, the middle, and the end, all in one. So, don’t worry, alright? When we’re ready, it’ll happen.”

Bellamy let the words sink for a moment before he felt the anxiety set in when she still hadn’t said anything. She did eventually though, she just needed some time. 

“It’s unfair how good with words you are, you know that?” she joked, letting out a huff. 

He grinned. “I know. It’s a real burden I’m forced to bear.” She shoved his shoulder and laughed, for real, and he returned it with one of his own. 

Things weren’t perfect. Not at all. Not even close. They probably never would be, but it had been one hell of a night, and Bellamy couldn’t deny himself any longer. He and Clarke would be okay. He didn’t know when or how, but they would be. 

He had never been so sure of anything else in his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=0LZMyv6TTi6Qy4Lmqd2oFw)


	15. I Promise There is a Light (At the End of This Long Road)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, lovelies, and here's another update for you. we're starting to wrap things up with this story—which is so bittersweet and exciting for me. there's one more full chapter and then a short epilogue, and I'm hoping it will be a satisfying conclusion. 
> 
> thank you so much for the amazing response and all the kind feedback. it really means everything to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Hold on to Me' by Valerie Boussard*
> 
> sending love and good thoughts to all of you 💖💜💙

Clarke visited Harper and Monty while Madi was at school. She made the excuse that it was on the way home, but really, she just wanted her chance to gush over baby Jordan again. 

The two of them had to be at the hospital for almost four weeks each, and had only been home for another two. Clarke hadn’t wanted to smother them, but Harper told her to just come over already since she could tell she wanted to, and almost everyone already had been over to visit. There had been little arguing with Harper before Jordan had been born, but there certainly was zero chance of it now, she realized with fondness. 

Monty was off work, but Harper urged him to go hang out with Jasper and Bellamy as soon as Clarke arrived. Even constrained to a couch most of the time, the new mom was a force unable to fight against. He admitted defeat, giving Clarke a quick hug before leaving.

She settled down beside Harper while Jordan was sleeping, for once, Harper joked. The conversation turned to Monty and how he was fairing as a new dad. 

“He’s amazing, honestly. But he’s been worried for me to leave his sight since Jordan was born,” she told Clarke, smiling softly. “It’s nice, and I do appreciate it. But we’re gonna drive each other crazy if we don’t let the other get some space.”

“Makes sense. Babies already tend to do that but given what happened...God, he was so worried, Harper,” Clarke replied. 

She nodded. “I know, but we’ve got to live without that hanging over us. I know just how hard that can be, but the last thing I want is for him to feel like he has to hold back or spend every moment worrying about me.”

It occurred to Clarke that Harper might’ve not only been talking about Monty. Maybe it was a bit intrusive, but she knew her friends had both her and Bellamy’s best interests in mind. She did stiffen a little regardless of knowing that, and she could tell Harper picked up on it right away. 

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” she said. “I just hate the thought of you two not being happy.”

While she and Bellamy had hung out within the group dynamic since that night at the hospital, they hadn’t really discussed where they were currently at or where they were going. Every time she tried to broach the subject, her hands went clammy and mouth dry and there was no getting the right words out. If they even existed at all, which she couldn’t help but doubt. 

“It’s not like I want to feel like I’ve forced this separation between us,” Clarke defended, not because she felt like Harper thought badly of her, but rather as if she had to remind herself she didn’t deserve some kind of punishment for it. “But I just don’t want it to go bad again. I don’t want to lose him, and I’m scared that if we try again and I’m not ready, we’ll never recover.”

“I know how scary it can, believe me. I mean…” She shook her head, cutting herself off. “But Clarke—” she started, but then Jordan cries filtered in through the monitor beside them and she cursed under her breath. 

Harper got up, though not without Clarke protesting that she could get him. She waved her off and came back into the room holding Jordan. He really was a beautiful baby, she thought. She wondered if he’d have Harper’s smile or Monty’s mannerisms. The idea of it made her pitifully soft. 

While she wanted to go on with her excuses for why her and Bellamy weren’t together, something made her stay silent. Perhaps she wasn’t as resolute in her belief that she wasn’t ready as she thought. Even Gabriel certainly thought it was sort of crap. 

Once Harper was settled back down on the couch, she seemed to think of her words carefully before she spoke. 

“It’s easy to be afraid.” 

Clarke opened her mouth to argue, but she didn’t give her the room. 

“I’m not saying that it’s easy to feel that fear, to overcome it. But for me, at least, and honestly, for most of us, it’s simpler to lean into that utter terror than work against it.” 

Biting her lip, she paused. “But, we have to try. Not just for others, but ourselves. Because you _do_ deserve to try to get over that fear, Clarke. Whether or not you can believe it right now.”

“I think,” Clarke swallowed, “I think you might be right, but I don’t see how I will ever be able to,” she confessed. 

Harper nodded. “That’s understandable. Though you can’t think of it like flipping a switch or turning a new leaf or whatever the hell cliched metaphor you want to choose. It’s like a gradual release. Something that you barely even notice. Like the tide going out, or something. You think it’ll never happen, and then...Boom.”

“Boom?” Clarke asked, not at all believing her words, as much as she wanted to try. 

“You realize one day that you’re not as scared. It just happens.” Harper tilted her head. “Not without a lack of hard work and constant losses along with the gains, but...Yes, boom.” 

She smiled softly and Clarke was filled with the warmth of knowing that she at least had been able to confront her fears. A kind of mourning for that strength seized her chest, as she never knew if she would be able to do the same. 

She hadn’t realized she’d vocalized that last part until Harper told her, “You do have that strength though. You have more than anyone else I know. I think that sometimes it’s that strength that makes it so you keep going, pushing forward even when it’s time to stop and let it all wash over you. But…” 

Harper adjusted Jordan’s blanket and looked back up at Clarke. 

“I think that you’ve taken enough time. And, as someone that is a total mess of emotions right now, I feel I can tell you: It’s worth it. The pain and the possible heartbreak. All of it. _Life_ is worth the risk. So, don’t wait too long for yours okay?”

Clarke let out a slow breath. There was a lot to take in from what she’d just been told, and she wasn’t sure if all of it had registered yet. It would take a while, she was pretty sure. She nodded though and thanked her for believing in her so much. Harper grasped her hand when she admitted she wasn’t sure she could ever believe in herself again when it came to being something more with Bellamy. The contact made her able to move on from the subject. The rest of the visit they talked about how she and Monty were adjusting to being parents and Clarke yearned to have that kind of happiness one day, too. 

Harper assured her she would get it if she could just take the chance. When she walked out of their house, she thought to herself, _fuck it._ Maybe she didn’t believe in herself yet, but she could damn well try. 

As soon as Clarke left Harper and Monty’s, she went and got a coffee. For a while, she just stared at her phone, fighting with herself. Eventually, she found the courage she needed. 

She texted Bellamy and asked if he was at the bar and if things were slammed. He messaged back right away that things were quiet, and if she wanted to talk or just hang out, he was around. 

Breathing out her nose, she left the coffee shop and drove over before she lost the nerve. 

As he’d said, the place was pretty empty, which wasn’t all that shocking for a Wednesday afternoon. He was leaning on the bar, talking to some grizzled old man that looked more like a cartoon of an old sailor than a real person. When he spotted Clarke, he grinned, and she was helpless to not return it. He said something to the man as she made her way over to him and took a seat in one of the stools. 

“Can I get you anything?” he asked. 

“Just water,” she replied. “Can’t exactly show up to carpool tipsy.”

He snorted before he filled a glass with water and ice for her and placed it in front of her. 

“So…” he trailed off. 

Right, she remembered. She had come here with a purpose. Taking a sip from her water to bide her time, she thought of how to say what she wanted in just the right way. Not that she was even sure there was one. 

“I’ve been thinking…” She took a breath and he furrowed his brow. “I was wondering...And you, of course, can say no and I don’t want to put any kind of pressure on you but I’ve talked about it to my therapist, Gabriel, and he said he thought it could help but again, really don’t want to pressure you so—”

“Clarke,” he said, holding back a smile, she could tell. “You can just ask me.”

She swallowed down any fears or hesitations she had about it, and she went for it. “Would you be willing to think about coming to therapy with me? Just for one session, you wouldn’t have to stay the whole time or anything and I’m obviously nervous about this, but I don’t want to give up on us and I thought you didn’t either, but now as I’m saying this I’m not so sure.” 

She sucked in some much-needed air and finished, “Shit, I have no idea if any of that made sense, but...What do you think?”

He appeared so taken aback, she immediately regretted saying anything. But then he nodded and told her, “I want to, and not because I feel pressured or anything like that but…” He sighed. “That’s...It’s a big thing, and I might need to think about it for a day.”

While not an immediate yes, it also wasn’t a no. That she considered a win, for now. Besides, she couldn’t fault him for needing time to consider her offer. Like he’d said, it was a big thing. Both in its meaning and practice. There was no telling what could come up between them with Gabriel, and the last thing she wanted was for him to go into that situation unsure. Considering what he could’ve said, this was the best-case scenario, in her mind. 

“That sounds good,” she said. “I really, really don’t want you to feel like I need you to do this or anything,” she clarified, for more of her own sake than the fact she believed she hadn’t convinced him the first time around. “But I think it could help...I think it could really make a difference.”

“That means a lot to me.” His lips quirked up a bit again. “I wish I could give you an answer right now, but…”

“I understand,” she cut in. “Take all the time you need, okay?” Clarke mustered up a smile, despite the nerves. “I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”

It was those last words that seemed to really have the most impact, and he blinked a couple of times before returning her smile. 

“I want to believe you. I want to try, too. I’ll let you know as soon as I can, alright?”

His response meant so much more to her than if he had immediately said yes to her question. Maybe he didn’t believe she meant what she said, but she could prove it to him. She knew she could. It felt a little like Harper had said before, about how the fear shifted out slowly. It was still there, looming over them both. But Clarke wondered if it wasn’t a bit further out in the distance, not so much washing up against them but a couple of feet out. 

When she said goodbye and promised him things would be okay no matter what he decided, Clarke didn’t feel that familiar terror that she associated with having important talks with Bellamy. 

This time, she felt better. Not worse. Almost like things really were going to get better one day. 

* * *

Bellamy knew that he would do anything to try again with Clarke if they were both ready for it. Still, the thought of going to therapy with her scared him a little. He’d only ever been to therapy with Octavia before. When her things between them got so bad and he felt like he was losing her. That had been a necessity in his mind, not a choice. 

When she asked him to think about attending a session with her therapist, she made sure he knew it was completely up to him. That he could say no or yes and it wouldn’t make her force him out of her life. But he felt the implications of rejecting the offer. 

If he didn’t take her up on it, then maybe that was a sign they’d never be able to completely open up to one another. That their problems were just too momentous for them to overcome. For a whole day, he agonized over his decision. He wanted to agree to it, but a part of him that remembered what it’d felt like when she left made him hesitate. More than anything, he wanted to be with her, for them to fit together as they had in the beginning. But the scars of their first attempt made him wonder if they weren’t doomed to just keep hurting the other, even if they didn’t mean to do it. 

That wasn’t the whole truth though, nor was it fair to either one of them. The more he thought about it, the more he spiraled. Bellamy realized that even if nothing but pain came from this, he owed it what they were to one another to give it a chance. So, he texted Clarke and asked when would be best for them to go into therapy together. 

That Friday, he drove over to where Gabriel’s office was located, feeling anxious and a little sick. It wasn’t Clarke he was afraid of really, but himself. What if they decided that they weren’t going to work? What if one of them wanted to try again while the other didn’t? There were a million things that could go wrong, and possibly fracture their relationship even more. 

Bellamy took a deep breath and made himself go inside. 

Clarke was already there, and he introduced himself to Gabriel before he took a seat beside her on the couch. She shot him the smallest suggestion of a smile, and he returned it. He wondered if she was as nervous as he was, and noticed how she was fidgeting a little in her seat. 

“So,” Gabriel started. “I’m not sure if either one of you has anything you’d like to talk about it, so if you do, then feel free to say anything that comes to mind. If you want, I can sit back and just observe, or I can try and help move a conversation along. Whatever works best for the two of you.”

“I don’t think it’s having a conversation that’s been an issue,” Clarke started and he nodded in agreement. 

“We’re good at talking,” he added.

Clarke bit her lip before saying, “Exactly. It’s the action that’s supposed to follow that talking that’s been an issue.”

“For both of us,” he told Gabriel. 

“Though it’s more me,” Clarke cut in. When he went to protest, she insisted, “I’m the one that bailed after you…” She cleared her throat as if asking for permission, so he nodded. “After you told me that you love me. That wasn’t on you, it was all me.”

“Speaking of that incident,” Gabriel said. “Bellamy, I know how Clarke feels about it, what she’s been doing to move past it, but what about you? How’re you dealing with what she did?”

“I’m not pissed at you,” Bellamy clarified and some of the tension went out of Clarke’s shoulders. “I was, but I think I’m starting to understand why you did what you did...But, that’s always going to be something that hurt me.” He looked down at his hands, and added, “A lot.” 

“I know,” she replied. “And even though it was the opposite of what I wanted, I can’t take back what I did.” She looked at Gabriel before glancing back at him. “I can only try to move forward, and I know words don’t mean everything, but I swear. I’m not leaving. Not again.”

He looked her in the eye and nodded. “Okay.” He let out a breath. “Okay.”

“I just wish we could be light and breezy,” she said, her tone joking and yet serious at the same time. 

“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked.

“I get it, too,” Bellamy said. “It’s like...We had to be a certain kind of person while we were in active duty, and I’m sure you did too when you were in captivity but it feels like we’re supposed to be _normal_ now or something because we’re not at war anymore.”

“It’s not like that, though.” Clarke looked down at her shoes. “I feel stupid for thinking it could be.”

He reached out and grabbed her hand. She squeezed it and he said, his tone lighter than he thought possible for the moment, “If you’re stupid then so am I.”

She rolled her eyes but smiled a bit. Then she turned serious, and looked straight ahead toward Gabriel and told him, “I think we both figured that things would be simple, but nothing’s simple after what we both went through. It’s a mess, honestly. For both of us. The reason we broke up the first time was that neither one of us was getting what we needed, and I’m so scared to try again only for that to still be the case.”

“And Bellamy?” Gabriel questioned. “How do you feel about trying again?”

He leaned back against the couch, wanting to look at Clarke to give her comfort or receive any she could pass along to him, but finding that he couldn’t. 

“I guess the same? I mean, I think I got scared I was way more invested in this than Clarke was...I took everything that happened as a sign that she didn’t feel the same.”

“Do you feel the same, Clarke?” Gabriel proposed to her.

She took a steadying breath, neither one of them looking at the other when she said, “Of course, I do. I just...I was terrified of what was going on between us, of how fragile my life was because _I_ was weak.”

“You’ve never been weak,” Bellamy argued, meeting her eye. “You might’ve gotten scared, with good reason, given everything that happened, but the last thing you are is weak, okay?”

Clarke nodded but didn’t seem to completely buy it. He knew that he could comfort her all he wanted, but she needed to believe it for herself if it was ever going to get better.

“I never wanted you to think I didn’t feel the same though, didn’t want to be with you as much as you wanted to be with me. Even if…” She swallowed thickly. “Even if we don’t get back together in that way, I do want you to know I’ve always felt the same about you.”

Her words were a lot for him to process, coming seemingly perhaps not out of nowhere or unexpectedly, but still surprising enough that she admitted it. Bellamy had hoped, of course, had let himself imagine that she returned the love he’d felt for her. But everything had been so confusing lately, it meant so much to hear it from her. It wasn’t the exact words that he’d said, but close enough. 

Bellamy hadn’t realized just how much he needed to know that she did indeed feel how he did until he heard it. He also knew how significant it was for Clarke to say it. Perhaps not in the best of circumstances or even in any kind of way that he’d ever pictured. But she hadn’t denied it or lied or hid from it, and that spoke volumes for the work she was trying to do with Gabriel. For herself, first, which was all he wanted. But maybe for the two of them, as well. 

That didn’t mean everything was all better though. It couldn’t be. There was no concealing both of their fears with Gabriel or pretending that their issues weren’t still keeping them apart. If they ever wanted things to improve, they had to be completely honest. He knew that would come with the bad, but he was surprised it could come with the good, as well. 

It wasn’t the fairytale love confession from Clarke. Not open and adoring or completely trusting as his had been. It wasn’t even one that remotely even resembled anything romantic. Regardless of the context and the wording and all of it though, it was _something._ While he didn’t want to invest too deeply in what she’d said, the words gave him some deep sense of hope he hadn’t had before. 

“Thank you,” he managed at last. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but...It’s good to know how you feel. Maybe it won’t do much of a difference, but it really does help me.”

She sniffed a little and he knew she didn’t want to cry but was on the verge of it. “I’m glad, then. Because that’s all I want for us to feel...I don’t know...Supported? Loved?” She shrugged. “I’m not sure if there’s enough kind words or actions in the world for us to get to a place where we can get back together, but I need you in my life.”

He’d never leave her hanging with a statement like that and immediately replied, “I need you, too. Always.”

She gave him a watery smile, and Gabriel let them talk about their friends for a while before he turned the conversation back to their relationship. 

They talked for a long time, the full session, even though Bellamy didn’t know if he’d even planned to stay the full time or not when he originally showed up. There was a lot to discuss, more than he’d ever imagined. They saw things the same, sometimes. Just as often though, they were not only conflicted about how they felt individually, but how the other did, too. 

When the session ended, he felt exhausted. Like he’d run a marathon or one of the horrid drills from his early days in the military. Clarke seemed to be going through something similar. Gabriel told them they had a lot to still work on, both together and as just themselves, but he thought they were doing good work. Bellamy didn’t know if it was pessimism or something greater, but he didn’t fully believe him, even though he wanted to. 

After they’d walked out of the office, Clarke pulled him towards her, and he reciprocated almost without thinking. They pulled away, but he sensed that neither one of them really wanted to let go. If it’d been allowed, they would’ve held one another forever. 

“So where does this leave us?” she asked, and hell, he wished he had the perfect answer to that.

“I’m not sure,” he finally said after a long pause. 

She nodded, not looking defeated in the least though they definitely hadn’t won anything. “But it did help, right?” 

“Yeah, I really think it did.”

“That’s enough for me then,” she replied. “Maybe we’re not...Maybe we can’t ever be that again. But we’ll always be there for each other, and for now, that’s all I can ask for.”

He ran a hand across his mouth and shook his head. “I don’t want to give up yet, I just wanna say that.”

“Me neither,” she said, tentative. “I know this is gonna be more work, but...Maybe we could...Maybe we could go see Indra together?”

Bellamy hadn’t exactly been expecting her to suggest that. Not when it seemed like this session hadn’t really fixed anything. But if she wanted to see what good it could do, then so was he. 

He reached down and squeezed her hand once, quickly, before he released it. “I would like that. I know this wasn’t the fix-it we might’ve hoped for, but...I believe you now when you say you won’t leave again. If that even helps anything.”

“It does, Bellamy, it really does,” she told him. Her voice shook a little but she pushed through it to add, “I’m not ready to stop facing all the fear that comes with this. I’m not ready to let it win. And if you say you aren’t either, then I will never stop trying. Not ever.”

He knew she was telling the truth, and he pulled her in for another hug, this one much briefer. 

When they parted he told her, “I’m not gonna let the fear win either. Or at least, I’m gonna do my best. So,” he swallowed down the wave of love he felt for her and went on, “Don’t think I’m going to stop trying either.”

He knew, even if it wasn’t the smartest move, that that was all that really mattered to him at the moment. The promise to keep going, to not give up. All he needed then was the reassurance that they were in it together. And of course, because it was Clarke after all, she gave that to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=ljIpMMtDT4qlS-BYe-P8mA)


	16. We'll Be Just Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, and we're here! the final (full) chapter. this time is just as weird and emotional and lovely as the last time I published this story. writing this fic was always a rewarding experience. now with the editing process and everything that's come with it, I can say this work, while difficult at times, was ultimately a good experience for myself. and I can only hope that if you're reading this, you feel the same way. 
> 
> thank you again for the amazing feedback and just being an amazing audience. I couldn't be more grateful. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'West' by Sleeping At Last*
> 
> sending love and good thoughts to you all 💖💜💙

Madi’s adoption was made official on a Friday, four weeks after her and Bellamy’s first joint therapy session. It took some convincing from her friends, but Clarke decided to let her skip school and celebrate with everyone. 

They threw a big party, inviting everyone and hanging up streamers and even got a Devil’s Food cake, which she’d discovered was Madi’s favorite last month. The amount of chocolate that the girl went through was both impressive and slightly concerning. Bellamy told her that she deserved it though. That they both did. So, Clarke leaned into the madness of the celebration. 

Madi was worth it, after all. 

Bellamy came over early to help set things up. 

When she came down with a bit of eyeliner on, and a hint of lipstick, Madi snorted.

“Casual,” she teased.

“Shut up,” Clarke shot back, sucking on her teeth. “Does it look bad?” 

“It looks good, and you already knew that. You  _ also  _ already know he likes you, so I don’t know why you need to bother,” Madi told her.

She shot her a glare. “Because—”

“Because you’ve been going to therapy together for weeks now and you’re worried he’ll never make a move?” Clarke’s mouth hung open and Madi grinned, far too pleased. Damn her. How did she read people so easily? Or maybe she really was just that obvious. 

Madi shook her head. “You could just make the first move, you know that, right?”

She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling an odd sensation that their roles were reversed at the moment. “It’s complicated. We haven’t exactly been consistent these past few months. I don’t know...I don’t know if he still wants me. I know we both promised each other we’d keep trying, but…” She shook her head and frowned. “I don’t want to  _ make the move  _ if he doesn’t want me to.”

It was the truth. While the fear of the actual relationship was still there, ever-present because she didn’t know if she’d ever be free of it, the greater spike in her nerves was due to not knowing where she and Bellamy stood. If he thought they’d made the progress these past couple of weeks she thought they had. The progress they’d worked on for weeks as they went through their collective trauma. Which, fuck, was  _ a lot _ . 

In the four weeks they’d been going together, they’d been to see Indra twice, and Gabriel three times. So far, she felt more sure about her feelings for Bellamy than she ever had before. In therapy, they could bring up anything and air it out and begin to unpack it all. 

At first, it’d been terrifying, especially that first tense session. But the next two made her really shift how she was thinking about herself and Bellamy and the way their relationship had played out. They talked and talked and talked. Endless conversations about feelings and how they felt about those feelings and how the other one felt about all of the feelings happening. 

Now, Clarke wanted to actually  _ do something.  _ Like, make out with him. Except she wasn’t sure if he felt as ready as she did. 

It was agony, not knowing if he was as tired of the distance between them as she was. She supposed she could’ve, and really, should’ve, just asked, but her courage failed her every time she tried. During her one-on-one session with Gabriel, she’d half-proposed for him to ask Bellamy to kiss her for her. He’d given her this look that made her realize she  _ had  _ to communicate, and soon. 

As if she could read her mind, Madi challenged, eyebrows raised, “And how is he supposed to know that you want him to make the move if you don’t actually tell him that you do?” 

Clarke started to stutter out some kind of reply to that, one that would no doubt fail to convince the other, but then the doorbell rang. She jumped a little and Madi snickered, and she shot a glare over her shoulder before she answered. 

“Hey,” Bellamy greeted. 

“Hi. How’re you?” she asked, feeling stupid for doing so since they’d spoken earlier that day about the party. 

She stepped aside to let him come in, and she could tell he was trying to hide a smirk at her question. The expression made him look far too attractive for either of their own good. God, she really did have to jump him soon. 

“Good. In the half-hour we didn’t speak I did get attacked by a shark, though, just that small thing,” he joked. 

Rolling her eyes, she crossed her arms over her chest and snarked back, “You’re hilarious, you know that? The comedian of a generation.”

He was smirking fully now, and she felt something in her stomach flutter. “It’s honest work, but someone’s gotta do it.”

“I’m gonna go upstairs. If you need me, just shout,” Madi interrupted, moving past them, typing away on her phone.

Clarke and Bellamy exchanged the most sheepish of looks, and she felt her face flame with embarrassment. Definitely not Good Mom stuff for your kid to have to flee the area because you were flirting like a dork. She couldn’t feel all that bad though, considering the grin Madi shot her while Bellamy bent down to retrieve the bags of party supplies he’d brought over. Maybe they were both idiots, but at least they were idiots who seemed to be on the same page. 

As they set up for the party, Bellamy brought up Indra. “I think she likes you more than me.”

Clarke snorted. That was likely. 

“I’m serious! She keeps asking about you, how’re you’re doing, if you’re coming back. It’s a little sad.”

She shook her head and replied, “She probably just thinks I’m an interesting case study.”

“Ha,” he said back, dry. “As if I’m not fucked up enough for her to have one million midnight thoughts about.”

“Are we really competing for who’s the most screwed up?” she asked, unable to suppress the smile. Hell, she was pretty sure her eyes were practically shining with how much she adored him. 

He shrugged. “Seems about right for us.”

She grinned. “Yeah, it does,” and didn’t realize she’d been staring until he tossed a piece of streamer at her. 

“Get back to work,” he teased.

She looked away and focused very intently on the decorations she was supposed to be hanging out on the back deck of the house. If she was being so obvious, she wondered why he didn’t acknowledge it. Maybe he didn’t want to, a part of her feared. Maybe, as she had worried over and over these past couple of weeks, that he had realized things would be easier if they didn’t get back together. 

It wasn’t something she wanted to confront, but she couldn’t hide from it. At least, not for much longer. For the rest of the set up for the party, Clarke focused on tasks she could complete and clearing her head from the whirl of thoughts that threatened to send her spiraling. She didn’t want this to be a bad day, she wanted it to be a real celebration. For Madi. For her. For the hard-won ‘normal’ life that the two of them (and yes, the rest of them, too) were building together. Despite all the obstacles they constantly faced. 

When everyone arrived, her dad even getting some time off work to make it a proper visit, Clarke lost the thoughts of her and Bellamy’s future for a while. It was a welcome relief, to just enjoy her friends’ company. Even Harper was well enough to come, too, at the last minute, which made them all feel much more into celebrating. Her and Monty brought Jordan, and they boasted about how he was already a genius. At that, Octavia pointed out he was still a baby, but Jasper cut in and defended his namesake with such intensity, no one else dared argue. 

“You’re all just jealous they didn’t name their firstborn after you,” Jasper gloated. 

“Please,” Raven teased. “Like there could ever be another ‘Raven’ around here. Nope, one of a kind right here.”

“So humble, babe,” Echo cut in and Raven gasped in fake offense. 

Jasper gave Echo a high five and Raven claimed her girlfriend was a traitor. 

“Okay, but when are we getting another one?” Octavia proposed.

Harper raised a brow at her and she scoffed. “ _ As if _ .” She turned to her boyfriend, “Lincoln, tell them how you won’t even let me have a fish.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t want a fish. You wanted a shark. Very different.”

“A shark is a type of fish. We could keep it in the pool in our apartment complex,” she defended. 

“Ah, I can see the headlines now,” Murphy joked. “Girl Eaten By Own Pet Shark.”

Octavia threw a piece of popcorn at him and told them all that one day, she would have her pet shark, and then they’d all be sorry.

“Actually,” Miller cut in and shot a look at Jackson, who nodded in encouragement. “We’re gonna start fostering. Next month.” He shrugged. “We’re tired of waiting.” 

Clarke could definitely relate to that.

Everyone delved into their excitement for Miller and Jackson, so much so that Madi huffed a little and remarked, “As long as whoever it is doesn’t steal my thunder.”

Clarke snorted while Raven assured her that no one ever would. 

Octavia even went as far as to say, “You’re still gonna be my favorite kid, don’t worry.”

As the day went on, she had never seen Madi so at ease, so happy, in a group setting. She wondered if she wasn’t feeling something like that, too. The weight of her burdens certainly wasn’t gone, but she did feel a little more relaxed, a little more like she was actually present in her life, instead of watching it play out without her. 

The day wasn’t filled with any kind of drama or pain. In fact, she sensed her friends were intent on making it a happy one. Or at least, happier than some of the others had been. It made her realize just how thankful she was for them, and how much she needed them all. The thought normally would have sent her heart rate spiking and made her need to be alone, but this time, it didn’t. 

Instead, it comforted her, to know that she had people. Lots of people, in fact, who would all do anything to help her. She knew she would do the same for them. That’s what being a family meant, and she grinned as her friends joked around and told Madi they couldn’t be happier that now she was an Official Griffin. There would still be hardships, she knew that, but with all of her people around her, and Bellamy by her side, and Madi forever in her life, Clarke felt so happy, she could barely contain it. 

Madi practically begged to go hang out with her own friends when everyone started to leave, and Clarke felt so good, she agreed right away. She even relented when Madi said Fox was having a sleepover, and if she could stay the night. Normally, Clarke would’ve been more hesitant, but it had been such a good day, and she didn’t want to ruin it with her anxieties about the endless things that could go wrong.

Bellamy stayed to clean up, which she told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted, and she let him. If only because as they washed dishes and swept up the patio, she could muster up the courage to tell him what she’d been thinking about for most of the day. It was a risk. Probably the biggest one she could take. But one she hoped was worth it.

“Can we talk?” she asked Bellamy once things were basically all tidied up. 

“Sure,” he replied. “But I have something to give you first.” He fidgeted a bit and she frowned, confused. 

“It’s Madi’s day, you didn’t have to get me anything,” she said. 

He swallowed thickly as he went over to one of the bags he’d brought over with the party supplies. “I didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone in case…” He shook his head and handed it to her. “Just open it.”

She accepted the carefully wrapped box and smiled a bit. “Seriously, Bellamy, you didn’t need to get me—” she started to say as she opened it, but then she took the lid off the box and saw what it was, and she felt the tears well up already. 

“Bellamy,” she got out, wiping at her cheeks. 

He ducked his head so she couldn’t see his expression, but she could almost feel his cheeks heat up. 

In the box was her dad’s watch.

The face was a little cracked in the corner, but it was there, in her hand. When it’d been taken and never recovered, she thought she would never see it again. 

“How’d you find it?” She knew there was such an awe in her voice, it should’ve embarrassed her. But this was Bellamy, and it didn’t. 

He looked up at her and smiled a little. “I must’ve gone to every pawnshop within fifty miles of Arkadia.” Her eyes grew wide and he added, quickly, “It was worth it though, to get it back to you.”

There would never be words to describe how much it meant to her that he did this. How much he meant to her. She didn’t know even where to begin. Somehow, he managed to sense this. Bringing in her for a tight hug, he whispered in her hair, “I just wanted to give you something you loved.”

It made her hold on tighter, because...Well, couldn’t he see it wasn’t only the watch she loved? 

“I think you wanted to talk?” he asked once they released one another.

She nodded. “I do.” 

Clarke wasn’t sure how to exactly answer that. Because she believed what they were doing, by not being together and going for it, was wrong. But she had no idea if he felt the same. It drove her thoughts in circles, wondering where they stood. So, she just went for it, hoping for the best. 

“Are you happy with where we are?”

He was taken aback, and she felt like her words hadn’t come out the way she intended, but she let him ask, “What do you mean by that?”

She swallowed. “I mean...We’ve gone to almost a half-dozen therapy sessions, and I know how I’ve been feeling. Like it’s better every time we go. Like we’re…” She paused and then continued, “Like we’re really making progress. How do you feel about that?”   
  


It soothed the fears that hard started to build up when he said right away, “I feel the same.” He smiled a bit. “I know it’s not all fixed. Hell, I don’t know if something like that is possible, from what Indra and I have discussed, but I meant what I promised after our first session. I don’t want to stop trying.”

His words made her feel more rooted, and she knew she could keep going. But only if she wanted to, and she did. She didn’t need to, but rather, made the choice without dread hanging over her. It felt so different from the other times she’d confronted how she felt about Bellamy, though she couldn’t be sure how she knew that or when the change had occurred. Clarke knew that it had though, and wanted to tell him as much. She decided to let herself say whatever it was she felt, even if it was messy, even if it still kind of scared her.

“Me neither. And I think we still have some stuff to work on.” She let out a breath. “Not because we want to hold ourselves back, but just because...It’s the reality of everything.”

“I told you, Clarke, I can wait,” he assured her, and it filled her such warmth and happiness. 

“But—” Bellamy frowned and she quickly added before the worry could set in too much, “I don’t mean that I...What I’m trying to say is...I’m ready to be with you again, if that’s something you want.”

He gaped at her for a moment and her head spun with the possible responses. But at least she’d done it, that was the hardest part. His words came out slow, precise. “Are you absolutely sure? I don’t mean to doubt you or anything, and I do trust you but...I just want you to be sure.”

She understood that. She had thought she was so sure before, had let him believe she was, even when that wasn’t the truth. He didn’t want to go through that again, and she couldn’t blame him. Clarke wasn’t saying any of this because she wasn’t positive, and she knew she had to say more to make him see that. 

“I know I’ve been back and forth.” She added, “That we both have,” because that was part of the truth. “But I  _ am  _ sure this time,” she said, the words coming easier than she could’ve ever thought possible. 

Clarke always thought it was Bellamy who was good with words, but she thought she might’ve not been so bad herself as she went on, “I don’t know what I can do or say to convince you of that except…” 

She chewed her lip and then smiled. “I love you, I’m so in love with you I don’t even know how it’s possible, for me to need you as much as I do. And I know it’s been that amount of love that scared me away before, but I don’t want to let it anymore. In fact,” she clarified, “I won’t let it. Not ever again. So, no matter what you want or say or decide to do with what I’m saying, I will always be here for you. And I know you’ll be here for me. But…” She took a final breath and with it, cast aside any hesitations she had left. “If you want to try again, if you want to not be scared anymore with me, then that’s all I want, too.”

Clarke fought the nerves often as she waited for Bellamy’s response. Maybe it wouldn’t be what she’d hoped, but one way or another, she would know. She also knew, even if his reply wasn’t what she may have wanted, they would find a way to be in the other’s life somehow. She clung to the little comfort the thought gave her. As the silence stretched on, she realized she’d been wrong to assume and say anything. 

Just as she was trying to string together something coherent that would begin to mend the situation, Bellamy stood up, and reached down and took both of her hands in his. He let out a slow breath and when she really believed he was about to let her down easy, he gave her the most brilliant smile she’d ever seen. 

“I love you, too,” he told her. He licked his lips and asked, “Are you scared?”

She swallowed and nodded a little. “Yes. But I think, no, I  _ know.  _ One day, I won’t be.”

“I believe you,” he replied. “And, I know that one day, neither will I.”

Then he brought one hand to her waist and the other to her cheek. She leaned in close and surprised herself with a laugh. He returned it. Then, he leaned in slowly, so she could pull away if she wanted. When she didn’t, he gave her practically the best kiss of her life. 

That could’ve been a slight exaggeration, but it was  _ definitely  _ the most anticipated kiss of her life, so, really, the same thing. 

She pulled him closer, a little forcefully, so he huffed out a laugh against her lips. But they’d been waiting for what felt like years, working individually and together and having endless discussions about how to not hurt the other again. Like Harper had told her, she didn’t want to keep waiting to start her life. Not anymore. Not when she loved Bellamy so much, and she knew how much he loved her too. 

When they parted, breathless, she believed she could feel every nerve in her body. She craved his touch, his lips. Everything. 

“Wanna go up—”

“Yes,” he answered before she even finished getting it out. 

She giggled. “How do you know I was going to—”

But he cut her off by slanting his lips over hers again. They spent a while longer just kissing in her living room. Finally, it was up to her to separate them. His lips were swollen and eyes hooded and it took all of her control not to have him right there. Using the little self-control she had left, she tugged on his hand, and pulled him along, laughing as they made their way to her bedroom. 

The tone was so different from the first time. Not that she regretted how it had happened, but this time...It felt like they were doing this to be happy. Instead of to heal the pain that threatened to consume them. 

As they kissed one another on the stairs and tumbled into her room, a mess of touches and exclamations of love, she knew this was right. Not because she needed it to feel like herself or heal or anything. But because she just loved him and he loved her and they wanted to be together. 

Things seemed to go in slow motion the first night they’d slept together, now, it felt like everything was sped up. They helped one another out of their clothes, both of them laughing inanely when Clarke couldn’t get out of her jeans. Bellamy threatened to burn them even, which she told him he could do after he got her off. 

That got his attention back to the matter at hand and he pushed her back down onto the bed. As she thought she’d feel the comfort of him on top of her, she was sucked in a breath when Bellamy hooked her legs over his shoulders and kneeled before her. 

He chuckled a bit at her gasp when he licked at her heat, and roped an arm around her waist to keep her in place. It didn’t stop her from moving against it, but the pressure felt  _ good _ . As if Bellamy was the one keeping her grounded, not gravity. As he worked her with his tongue, sweeping inside her and then adding a finger, she thought, in some blissed-out part of her mind, that he might’ve always been the thing anchoring her onto the planet.

When he hit a particular spot that made her keen with pleasure, she panted, “Fuck, Bell, I love you, I really do.”

The words came without her even thinking about it, which made her buzz with pride for herself. There was still great importance to them, meaning and promises and everything they were supposed to stand for, but there was a simpleness to them as well. Maybe the two of them would never have what was considered normal, but they would have each other, and she didn’t want anything else. 

He leaned up and she whined from the loss of his mouth, which only made him grin. God, if she didn’t need him so badly, she would’ve cursed him. 

“Say it again,” he said.

Her cheeks felt hot when she obliged him. She told herself it was just to get him to get back to what she was craving. Later though, she could reflect she liked saying it almost as he liked hearing it. 

“I love you.” And then she said it again when he looked at her as if she was the most amazing, miraculous person he’d ever seen. “I love you, Bellamy.” Then she tugged on his hair and added, “But if you don’t go back to going down on me I’m gonna have to kill you.”

He rolled his eyes dramatically. “People really only say that to get laid, huh?” But even as he said it, he crooked a second finger inside her, which made her pant. 

“ _ Bellamy _ ,” she whined.

He didn’t tease her more, though, and instead licked all the way up her slit. The contact made her feel the pleasure on every inch of her skin. As if he was touching every nerve ending with every scissoring of his fingers or swipe of his tongue. It had been months since she’d been touched like this, and her body ached with the want for more, more, more. She wondered if it would always feel so right with him, or if that was just because they had missed one another so badly after each separation.

When Bellamy drove her into an orgasm that shook her whole body, she was sure: it would always be this right with him. Not because it was so different or unique or anything. But because it was the two of them, coming together as much as they possibly could. That was what Clarke truly needed.

Though, the orgasm certainly wasn’t too shabby, either. 

He took him time working her through her come down, and she felt a sheen layer of sweat on her body. She wasn’t embarrassed by it though. Not when he slowly kissed every part of her he wanted as he crawled up her body. She kissed him softly and he grinned so damn bright at her. It almost took her breath away. Like she’d just come back all over again. With Bellamy in her arms, staring at her as if they didn’t have any of the trauma she knew they did, she didn’t know if she’d ever felt so unburdened. 

“I’m really happy,” she said. “I just...I want to live in it right now. Is that okay?”

He huffed and kissed her nose, which she scrunched up in response. “You’re asking me for permission to be happy?”

“I guess it feels like I need it, sometimes,” she told him. 

He pulled her close against him, so she could feel his steady heartbeat beneath her chest.

He smoothed her hair down, which had gone a bit wild when she’d run her own hand through it. “Happiness is all I want for you, you know that, right? And as far as I’m concerned, you never need permission. Ever. But if you ever feel you need it, just let me know, and I’ll remind you that you deserve it.”

“I’ll make you a deal. I will if you do that, too,” Clarke said. 

Bellamy sighed but relented. “Deal.”

Before he could even react properly, she flipped them so she was on top, her palms on his chest. He grinned, a little wickedly, which sent a thrill through her, and tugged on her hips so she was straddling him. 

“Think we can keep that happiness going?” she asked. 

“I have a good feeling about it,” he replied as she bent down and kissed him quickly. 

They managed it spectacularly. 

As they fell asleep that night, Bellamy drifting a hand down her back in soft, lingering touches, Clarke waited for the fear to come. It didn’t. 

In its place, she felt the assurance that this time, it would work. Against all the odds. Against everything that threatened to tear her apart or away from him. They had come this far, and she felt it in every piece of her, her fears wouldn’t win this time. 

So, she let herself drift asleep. In her dreams, the two of them were floating in a small boat on a brilliant blue-green sea. The gentle rocking of waves as steady and endless as the love she felt for the man in her arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...now just for the epilogue!
> 
> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=iKl-VkNgQ9iS7bzYjUxkyA)


	17. A Dream Aloud: Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we are at the epilogue! this fic has been such an intense journey at times for myself as a writer, but a really rewarding one, too. I hope this (very short) epilogues gives a nice tie-in as well as the happy ending that I feel is deserved for this story. 
> 
> thank you all so, so much for reading, commenting, and giving kudos. you are all wonderful readers and I'm so thankful. 
> 
> *chapter title is from 'Sweet Disposition' from The Temper Trap*
> 
> sending love and good thoughts to you all 💖💜💙

_ One Year Later _

Summer was Madi’s favorite season, she had finally figured out. 

Not just because she didn’t have school, as much as that was a perk. She loved  _ everything _ about it. The heat. The endless days where the sun seemed to never set. Going on adventures with her friends as they continued to teach her references that, to quote her friend Ethan, “Even Martians should know.” Most of all, she loved going to the beach behind their house. 

Clarke loved it too, she could tell. Though sometimes when Madi went too far out to sea, she got that worried tone in her voice that made her want to roll her eyes. Bellamy had helped her gain a bit of ground there, but Clarke’s rules still stuck. Which, she got, okay, but they were  _ safe  _ now. They could afford to live a little.

On this particular day, everyone was there, which was Madi’s favorite. They always involved her rolling her eyes and pretending she thought they all were losers (which, come on, they sort of were) but she never felt more whole than when everyone was together. One time, she’d talked to Clarke about how it made her nervous. Before, all she’d needed was one person, but suddenly all these other people were necessary, too. Clarke had assured her this was a good thing though, and she had to admit, when the two of them got pissed at the other, it was nice having other people to turn to. 

Bellamy had moved back in about five months ago, and while Clarke had tried to have a whole long discussion about it, she’d just reminded her that he’d already lived with them. 

“This time,” she’d told Clarke, “you’re just doing it for real.”

That made her snort and she felt triumphant that the moment had been successfully diffused. 

She had asked if they were going to get married. Well, she had asked  _ Bellamy  _ if they were, which made him choke on his water for a full minute. Which was kind of hilarious, really. 

“I don’t know...I think we’re just focusing on doing what feels right for now. That good with you?”

That was the other thing, everyone kept checking in with her still. All the time. It had gotten better as the months went on, and Madi hoped everyone would continue to calm down about it all. 

“Please,” she’d just replied. “You two are basically married already. A piece of paper isn’t really gonna make much of a difference.”

That made the tips of his ears go red, and Madi enjoyed it way too much. Really, the two of them were far too easy. 

As she watched Clarke and Bellamy play a game of bullshit against Monty and Jasper and Miller, she felt this surge of joy for the moment, for the life she and Clarke had fought for and finally got. She looked over at Harper, who had Jordan in her lap and she made a funny face at him, which made him giggle. So occupied with that, she didn’t even notice Octavia sneak up behind her.

“Ha!” the woman exclaimed and Madi burst out, “Shit!”

Clarke shot her a look and she turned sheepish. “Blame Octavia,” she told her.

For a second, she figured she’d get in trouble but then Clarke smiled and shook her head, and went back to making Monty lose so horribly at the game it was comical. 

Then, Octavia got a glint in her eye and Madi knew she was gonna suggest something fun. 

“Race you to the water!” she yelled, grinning at Madi as she stood up from the sand. “First one there gets a sundae on Lincoln!” 

She didn’t wait before she bounded off after Octavia, Clarke’s laughter in her ears. 

Things were good before when it was just her and Clarke. But now, things were  _ great. _ Because even on the bad days or when one of them got sad, they had a whole squad of people to help. They had people, instead of just one person. And finally, they had found the courage to allow themselves to truly live. 

Now, things were so much better than she could’ve ever dreamed. They were better than perfect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤︎
> 
> find me on tumblr (@animmortalist)
> 
> [find the playlist here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KU511JXtau6lfh2908lVm?si=56-33r3XSm22pzFyXGcuBg)


End file.
